musings of earlier today, when I was a little sadder
I've reached my prime already. It's come and gone, just like my opportunity to continue the life that once defined me. I might be mistaken, but I thought college was supposed to me this magical time when one can explore the world and hopefully find yourself in the process. But what happens when certain aspects of yourself don't lie within the requirements of a major or minor?
I was brought to tears last night by a television commercial. Silent tears streamed down because it just so happened to show snippets of my past: a conductor's baton, a bow on strings, a silver mouthpiece. Something similar happened this morning on the way to Harvill when a particularly haunting excerpt from a Loreena McKennitt song came on the fortuitously random iPod's shuffle. Deep varying bass notes with soaring chords above--the epitome of the utter deliciousness of the human voice in chorus.
My peak was reached sometime during my fine arts triple-threat heyday in the last years of high school, and it culminated with a whirlwind tour of Europe that I took way too much for granted.
I feel like college is stealing my creativity, its stealing my drive for intellectual inquiry, and honestly can't remember the last time I was even mildly engaged with anything I've been learning , unless it's memorizing the spellings of Russian names for my Slavic Art History test. Learning for the test doesn't count as intellectual activity. I'm put on par with those frat guys who are fulfilling a Humanities credit between parties and road trips.
I positively love the variety of subjects that I've taken this school year, but with the exception of that one last tier two arts credit, I'm finished with the exploration phase. Once I settle into a major, it seems the only option is bam bam bam job training in preparation for the career that will rule my life until death. I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE INTO THE WORKFORCE YET! And I don't define a declared major as a significant life trait. Careers don't define a life, in fact, they seem to prevent life.
I don't have significant plans to run off into the world and make my mark like my brother. Thirty countries by the time I'm thirty sounds like more restriction than experience. But I do want to play an active role beyond the scope of job-hunts and major fulfillment. I want to make a difference like all other intellectually-driven, nave college students. But why is it that societal norms want to prevent we nave students from doing just that--making a difference requires monetary support, and thus a job is required--a proliferation of the shatterproof school-to-work cycle.
Why is it that life plans don't seem to fit into the Four Year Plan nor do scholarships provide the means to truly explore academia without all extras going to further years of schooling?
I'm stagnating--my greatest fear realized. But there seems to be no viable way to two myself out of the muck.
I was brought to tears last night by a television commercial. Silent tears streamed down because it just so happened to show snippets of my past: a conductor's baton, a bow on strings, a silver mouthpiece. Something similar happened this morning on the way to Harvill when a particularly haunting excerpt from a Loreena McKennitt song came on the fortuitously random iPod's shuffle. Deep varying bass notes with soaring chords above--the epitome of the utter deliciousness of the human voice in chorus.
My peak was reached sometime during my fine arts triple-threat heyday in the last years of high school, and it culminated with a whirlwind tour of Europe that I took way too much for granted.
I feel like college is stealing my creativity, its stealing my drive for intellectual inquiry, and honestly can't remember the last time I was even mildly engaged with anything I've been learning , unless it's memorizing the spellings of Russian names for my Slavic Art History test. Learning for the test doesn't count as intellectual activity. I'm put on par with those frat guys who are fulfilling a Humanities credit between parties and road trips.
I positively love the variety of subjects that I've taken this school year, but with the exception of that one last tier two arts credit, I'm finished with the exploration phase. Once I settle into a major, it seems the only option is bam bam bam job training in preparation for the career that will rule my life until death. I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE INTO THE WORKFORCE YET! And I don't define a declared major as a significant life trait. Careers don't define a life, in fact, they seem to prevent life.
I don't have significant plans to run off into the world and make my mark like my brother. Thirty countries by the time I'm thirty sounds like more restriction than experience. But I do want to play an active role beyond the scope of job-hunts and major fulfillment. I want to make a difference like all other intellectually-driven, nave college students. But why is it that societal norms want to prevent we nave students from doing just that--making a difference requires monetary support, and thus a job is required--a proliferation of the shatterproof school-to-work cycle.
Why is it that life plans don't seem to fit into the Four Year Plan nor do scholarships provide the means to truly explore academia without all extras going to further years of schooling?
I'm stagnating--my greatest fear realized. But there seems to be no viable way to two myself out of the muck.