all she keeps inside isn't on the label
sometimes i really do not understand why i exist. this isn't one of those feel sorry for me i'm so emo entries either, i am acutally questioning why i am here. i don't seem to be doing much good. all i do is fuck things up for everyone including myself. i don't seem to be able to make anyone happy. all i am good at is alienating the people i hold closest by being so self concious and weird and so self deprecating.
its just that i cant seem to find any reason to feel good about myself. i hate my body so i torture it in various fucked up ways, i hate my face so much i hate to look in the mirror, i seem to have lost any talent i had in theater so i can't even give people joy that way...it just doesn't seem like i have a purpose. i think i am doomed to end up like my mother who is permantly never happy or satisfied with anything because she's stuck in a depression of her own making. i cant be who i want to be. i cant change. no matter how many times i am told i am beautiful i will never see it. no matter how many times i tell myself not to get jealous or needy or attached to someone i cant stop myself from doing it. no matter how many times i think i can get it together and live a good healthy happy life like any normal person i just cant seem to muster up the strength.
i know that i am a negative person. i'm one big fucking downer for the whole world and thats why no one wants to be around me let alone be in a relationship with me. i know im too crazy and too much to handle. i guess i seem crazy to anyone who knows me cuz i feel things so fast and strongly. but how do you change who you are? i feel like i don't even know who i am but there seems to be some consistancies in my behavior so that must be me.
i am my mother. the one person i never wanted to be. thats the only conclusion i can come to.
and it kills me. i hate myself. and i will never be happy. and i dont know if i can live with that.
but what else can i do? i would feel to guilty if i killed myself, so i guess i'll just have to live my life alone and unhappy with the world that i watch from a distance.
no one will ever understand me it seems cuz i am just too much for anyone.
that makes me so sad. i knew i was different but i didnt think it was in such a bad way.
now i see. i see what i am.
what a realization to come to on a shitty ass wednesday night.
its just that i cant seem to find any reason to feel good about myself. i hate my body so i torture it in various fucked up ways, i hate my face so much i hate to look in the mirror, i seem to have lost any talent i had in theater so i can't even give people joy that way...it just doesn't seem like i have a purpose. i think i am doomed to end up like my mother who is permantly never happy or satisfied with anything because she's stuck in a depression of her own making. i cant be who i want to be. i cant change. no matter how many times i am told i am beautiful i will never see it. no matter how many times i tell myself not to get jealous or needy or attached to someone i cant stop myself from doing it. no matter how many times i think i can get it together and live a good healthy happy life like any normal person i just cant seem to muster up the strength.
i know that i am a negative person. i'm one big fucking downer for the whole world and thats why no one wants to be around me let alone be in a relationship with me. i know im too crazy and too much to handle. i guess i seem crazy to anyone who knows me cuz i feel things so fast and strongly. but how do you change who you are? i feel like i don't even know who i am but there seems to be some consistancies in my behavior so that must be me.
i am my mother. the one person i never wanted to be. thats the only conclusion i can come to.
and it kills me. i hate myself. and i will never be happy. and i dont know if i can live with that.
but what else can i do? i would feel to guilty if i killed myself, so i guess i'll just have to live my life alone and unhappy with the world that i watch from a distance.
no one will ever understand me it seems cuz i am just too much for anyone.
that makes me so sad. i knew i was different but i didnt think it was in such a bad way.
now i see. i see what i am.
what a realization to come to on a shitty ass wednesday night.