letting go
Title: letting go
Rating: pg-13
Member: chanyeolxbaekhyun
Genre: romance, slight angst???
Length: oneshot, 5k
Warning: unbeta-ed :-(( [wouldn't mind one!]
Summary: sometimes separation is best
a/n: sorry if you don't like letters ;A; it's not letters the whole way though so please bear with me //.\\
Baekhyun and Chanyeol met in college.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol liked each other.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol loved each other.
Baekhyun took a plane to America.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol became
Baekhyun
and
Chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
you know i’m not really good at writing letters, or anything for that matter. but for you, i’m attempting to come up with something mildly good. so, um, how’s america treating you? i really miss you. i hate not being able to see you every day. i hate not being able to feel your fingers against mine. i hate not being able to wake up to your warm breathing, to your steady heartbeat and to your stupid Hello Kitty pillow. i hate not being able to ruffle your hair, i hate not being able to ....you know...
but it’s okay.
because at least through these letters, i can still “say” i love you.
i love you, baekhyunnie.
see you soon (not really but hopefully),
your chanyeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
hi. did you get my first letter? well, i guess it doesn’t really matter whether you did or not. it feels nice for me just to write out all my feelings anyway. but of course, it’d be great if i could get a reply or something, haha.
i hope everything’s okay, baek. i hope america’s fine, i hope your aunt’s fine. take care, be safe. don’t get lost. don’t go to places alone (but don’t go with some random hot guy either). be careful when you’re on the subway, especially. make sure you look both ways crossing the road... even when the green man is there. you know how bad these accidents can get, ugh.
so, um, yeah, i’ll see you in like, ...well i don’t know how long..because you didn’t exactly say when you’d be back from visiting your aunt...
three months? yeah? i’d assume around there.
i love you, baekky.
see you soon,
yeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
hi bunny!! this last semester is really killing me. i don’t know how you got through it. maybe it was all those late night hot chocolates you always made. i tried to do it myself, with four marshmallows the way you always do. but it just isn’t the same.
the chocolate doesn’t clump at the bottom
the marshmallows aren’t fluffy past a minute
you’re not sitting across me, sipping the same hot chocolate and burning your impatient tongue
you’re not sitting across me, laughing at me when i end up burning mine too
and i hate that.
but i love you.
it’s been three months. i hope i’ll see you (or at least hear from you) soon.
much love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
where are you?
why won’t you reply me?
if i’ve been sending this to the wrong address or something, please help me,let me know and help me find baekhyun.
it hurts.
i dont know anymore,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i feel like this is kinda pointless but i don’t care. this is the only connection i have with you ever since you took that stupid plane to stupid america.
mm, so, i passed my last semester!!! i ended up top in the class! aren’t you proud of your big puppy? i know i’m missing my small puppy. i worked really hard in case you ran away from me because you thought i was stupid. i know chanyeol doesn’t always have the brightest ideas, but chanyeol shines bright for you and chanyeol shines brightest when he’s with you.
so please come back.
anyway, if you were here, just imagine the celebrations! hmm, i imagine we’d have dinner at a really fancy place where they give you more than one fork and one knife and where everyone talks so soft it’s scary. i imagine we’d slow dance idiotically like juniors at their first prom. i imagine you’d tiptoe up for a kiss and i’ll be taken back by surprise. i imagine i’d kiss you back and we’d fall back onto the fluffy bed and the rest of the night is for you to imagine.
i love you, like really, and i always will.
forever yours,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
it’s been 5 months. i’m still not gving up, never will.
waiting for you,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀dear baekhyun,
7 months since you’ve been gone. it’s 7/6/1987; happy 2 years and 7 months.
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
guess what i found today! that old scarf you made me. yes, the really ugly one (i’m sorry but the truth hurts hehe).
it was kinda raggedy-looking from being under a bunch of lamps and stuff but it turned out pretty okay after i put it in the wash.
in case you don’t remember, it’s pink and blue striped with puppies on it. and the puppies are supposed to be us - you and me, baekhyun and chanyeol. :)
i love you!
chanyeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀dear baekhyun,
i found your scarf last time and this time, it’s the gloves! the bright orange ones you knitted with holes far too big and something that’s supposed to be a snowman but looks more like a mutated bunny. aww, don’t cry, don’t think of a mutated bunny, aww. i’m sorry but that really is the perfect way to describe it!!
deal with it, brada.
remember how you gave it to me for our first christmas together? hahahha, after that i insisted presents weren’t necessary. i love how warm you make the winter feel and i really miss the way you snuggled up to me during those snow days. i miss how we could feel so perfectly content just lying in bed together.
i really miss you.
and i really love you baekhyun.
from a person who doesn’t know how to let go,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
merry christmas! christmas doesn’t feel the same without you. park residence is having their annual christmas dinner. you know, with mom’s feasts and dad’s kararoke sessions, it’s tiring without you by my side.
honestly, i feel alone. i just want to sit outside regardless of the cold, wait for a shooting star and wish for you to be back here with me.
all i want for christmas is you.
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i can’t believe i’m still writing.
should i give up on you?
from,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
found a stray puppy today on the way to the supermarket. i took him in! sehun loves puppies too anyway so it all works out. plus he doesn’t mind that we name it baek-q.
from a guy who named his puppy after you,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i heard it’s snowing in america! keep warm. bundle up. don’t care if you look like a ball. i’d rather you stay healthy than look good. ‘cause you always look good anyway.
and taking care of a sick baekhyun is not fun at all. we can’t even kiss. :-(
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
sehun says i’m stupid for writing these letters to someone who never replies.
he asked me why i still do it.
and sometimes i ask myself why too.
from,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i think this is gonna be the last one.
yours,
pcy.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear byun baekhyun,
i fucking hate you. why are you making love so hard.
all i want is you. all i want is to love you. all i want is you back here. i miss you so much but i cant keep holding on forever if you’re not even giving me a glimmer of hope.
all i want is your chubby little self, fitting yourself into the incomplete puzzle that is me.
all i want is your head to rest on my chest and feel safe.
all i want is someone to watch romantic comedies with and cries as much (if not more) than i do
all i want is to hold your hand when we cross the street and walk through the sea of people
all i want is to fall asleep on your shoulder on the bus ride back from the ice skating rink
all i want is to share earphones and get all tangled up
all i want is to hear your heartbeat and feel your fingers playing with mine
all i want is to see your hazelnut eyes
all i want is to taste your sugar-coated lips
all i want is to know you’re there.
all i want is to know you want all this as much as i do.
i think this is it.
forever yours,
park chanyeol.
p.s. i love you, baekhyun, more than you’ll ever know.
❀❀❀❀❀
After years of hanging on to a rope that seemingly gets thinner with each passing day, Chanyeol finally learns to move on. He goes through his Masters with a new boyfriend, Sehun, whom he gets married to soon after graduating. Somewhere on the walls of his new house, he frames a patchwork of a small puppy and a big puppy standing side by side. Baekhyun had made it for their first anniversary.
Baekhyun on the other hand moved on long ago. Upon arrival in the West, Baekhyun found that his father was set on him staying permanently in America. Arrangements were made. Mr. Byun had bought him a house, found him a job and set him up on one too many blind dates. Sooner or later though, he was introduced to Kim Jongdae, a fellow Korean living in America. They bonded over their roots, memories of pickled radishes, lively Korean streets and the same sense of humour. Eventually, they too tie the knot.
Years pass and everything happens as expected. Families are formed and lives are lived. Everything is normal.
❀❀❀❀❀One fine day in April, Baekhyun opens up his mail to something strange and unfamiliar.
You have one new friend request!
You have received a new message!
Baekhyun’s daughter, Hye Jun, had help him set up a Facebook account, in his efforts to “fit in” with the youngsters. He didn’t pay much attention to it and rarely ever checked it. He could predict his feed anyway - Suho would be posting about his kids, Luhan woud be ranting about the latest football match and Kai would be showing off his new choreography. Typical.
But this time, there was something that actually caught his eye. A friend request? A new message?
Park Chanyeol has added you on Facebook.
Park Chanyeol has sent you a message on Facebook.
Park Chanyeol? It didn’t take him more than 10 seconds to match the name to the face and the face to the feelings. How could he forget Park Chanyeol?
He felt wary of opening the message that was highlighted in his Facebook inbox so only after a minute of staring at it and convincing himself to follow Nike’s famous motto, he just did it. He clicked it and as he opened the message, he invited in a rush of memories and a weird feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite name, things he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
8/4/2011 20:08
Hi, Baekhyun! Is this you? Do you remember me? From Seoul University. If this is the Baekhyun who likes to sew and cook, likes puppies and bunnies, please leave me a reply. And if it’s not, please do let me know.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yes, he thought to himself, this is the Baekhyun who likes to sew and cook and likes puppies and bunnies.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
10/4/2011 12:13
Hi Chanyeol. This is me... Is this the Chanyeol who is 185cm tall, plays the guitar, was pursuing a degree in Economics and likes puppies and bunnies too?
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 01:02
The one and only. :)
01:20
So update me on everything. It’s really great to find you here.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 01:43
What do you want to know? I’m married with two kids. It’s great to talk to you again too. :)
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 01:47
Wow. We’re really grown up, aren’t we? Haha. I’m married with one son. Are yours boys or girls? Are you still in America or have you come back to Korea?
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 01:51
Haha yeah, I’ve got two beautiful girls. Still in America. Settled down here.
Staring at his screen, grown-up Chanyeol wonders if he should ask about the letters. He thumps his chest twice to give himself a little confidence.
Never ask, never know.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 02:01
Baekhyun, did you ever get my letters?
As soon as he hits Enter, he feels a mix of regret, fear and relief.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 02:02
What letters?
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 02:07
I wrote you a lot when you left for America.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 02:08
I never got any letters....
Chanyeol stares at the screen, the piercing light illuminating the otherwise dark room. He doesn’t know how to reply. He tries but ends up continuously backspacing the letters into nothing.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
Seriously?
I guess that’s just how we were supposed to end
Maybe it was fate
Haha that’s funny...
Nevermind then
He closes his laptop and does away with the daunting cursor, screaming at him to respond. He stares into the darkness and doesn’t realize when a tear tracks its way down his cheeks. He turns his back to Sehun and calls out to sleep to carry him away.
❀❀❀❀❀
Chanyeol wakes up the next morning to a new message from Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 08:08
Hey Chanyeol, I think I know why I didn’t get any of your letters. And it’s going to sound really stupid. So like, I moved house as soon as I got to America but I assumed the mailman would deliver any mail addressed to the old house to the new house????? Don’t they do that??
Chanyeol’s fear for the past turns into laughter after he reads Baekhyun’s message. His overuse of question marks creates the image of a very cute and confused puppy in his mind. He can imagine just the look on Baekhyun’s face when he sent that message.
Realizing the stupidity of the whole thing, Chanyeol bursts into even louder laughter. He wants to slap himself in the face so bad for being such an idiot. He kinda wants to slap Baekhyun too, but he could never.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 08:12
Hey, hahahaha. You’re right..... that is really stupid. No, they don’t.... Silly.
It doesn’t take them long to fall back into the routine of Baekhyun and Chanyeol. There’s a reason why they were together in the first place. They catch up on each other’s lives and slowly but surely they stay in contact, messaging each other practically every day.
❀❀❀❀❀
“Daddy, what’s so funny?” Hye Jun asks one day after Baekhyun suddenly bursts into giggles.
“Ahh, nothing Hye Jun-ah. It’s daddy’s best friend. He’s really funny,” Baekhyun replies, unable to look any longer at the picture Chanyeol sent him of Kris’ latest “masterpiece” which looks more like vomit on a bathroom tile.
They don’t know how it happened or who started it first (Baekhyun insists it’s Chanyeol and he lets it be so but he really thinks it’s Baekhyun) but they also start sending very affectionate texts.
Heart shapes and kisses fly across the globe and their fingers seemed to have memorized the patterns on their keypads that spell out “love” and “puppy”.
Somehow, words and images on a screen seem to be able to deliver warmth to the heart more than they ever could have imagined.
The both of them go to sleep, laying their bodies down next to the person they call their spouse while their heart is very much with someone who is halfway across the world from them.
This fact coupled with Jongdae prioritizing his work drives the Baekhyun and Jongdae apart.
And on the other side of the globe, Chanyeol feels no guilt after discovering love letters from China in Sehun’s sock drawer.
Funny how things work out.
❀❀❀❀❀
They mail each other cards and presents on special occassions and Hye Jun is suspicious of the bracelet Baekhyun receives in the mail. Baekhyun is ecstatic when the parcel arrives and Hye Jun has never seen her father so happy. His smile never falters not even for a second, except for when the tape was being uncooperative. But she doesn’t say anything. If her father is happy, so is she.
Sometimes they have arguments too. Petty ones like when Chanyeol kept waking up in the middle of the night and ruining his sleep schedule just to catch Baekhyun waking up in the morning. And serious ones like where they stand - old friends catching up or is there something behind the thoughtful presents and continuous chats that never stop going back and forth?
Everyone has their arguments but the thing about Chanyeol and Baekhyun is they always make up and in the end, they go to sleep with a smile on their faces. Chanyeol loves waking up to texts of Baekhyun going to sleep and Baekhyun cherishes the goodnight wishes carried by the stars from Chanyeol when he rises in the morning.
❀❀❀❀❀
But not everything in life is as simple as it seems. When a diamond is uncovered, there must have been pressure, hard work and sweat. When a rainbow shines up in the sky, it must have rained. For every up there is a down. And their relationship was no exception to this cold rule.
Baekhyun and Jongdae fight. A lot.
Their fights are the silent ones. The air grows stale, rigid and bitter. Words get stuck on the way up their throats and they just end in avoidant eye contact.
There is no need for words when they both know what’s going on.
The first night starts like this.
Jongdae comes back at three in the morning. Red, strained eyes, a perpetual frown pasted on his face and an aura that simply reeks of stress, heavy-duty paperwork and too much overtime. And yet, while his brain is practically frazzled and his soul is drained out, there Baekhyun is sitting on the bed, as carefree as ever laughing at something on his phone as usual.
“Why are you so happy?” Jongdae asks, the late nights at work making him agitated. He envies Baekhyun’s happiness.
“Oh, nothing..” Baekhyun looks up, unaware Jongdae had been in the room for the past five minutes.
There’s nothing wrong with his answer.
But what ticks Jongdae off is that unlike in the past, when Baekhyun would wrap him up in his arms immediately and nuzzle his neck until Jongdae felt at peace and dozed off, present Baekhyun simply turned his gaze back to his phone.
“What the fuck?” he bursts, the tasteless coffee from the office giving him the energy to explode.
“Hm?” Baekhyun says absentmindedly.
His gaze is still focused on that damned screen.
“Baekhyun, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck are you looking at and what the fuck are you doing over there all smiley and giggly like a schoolgirl when your fucking husband is standing right here obviously in need of love?”
He doesn’t like saying it but if Baekhyun didn’t get the message the first time, he was going to put everything out there, nice and straightforward and clear.
Baekhyun doesn’t respond and Jongdae thinks he’s going to rip his hair out and jump off their balcony. Instead, he takes a deep breath, takes a shower and takes a peek at Baekhyun’s phone.
Park Chanyeol.
Who the fuck is that?
❀❀❀❀❀
They don’t talk properly for another 6 months. The atmosphere is bad. No one eats dinner at the same time anymore. It was rare to find Jongdae and Baekhyun even standing in the same room. Under the pretense of not wanting to disturb Baekhyun when he got back from overtime, Jongdae starts to sleep in their guest room and leaves Baekhyun to his phone upstairs.
After 6 months, Jongdae finally closes the company’s biggest deal and he’s at peace. Now, he feels he can talk to Baekhyun. All this time, he’d just been avoiding it. He had his work to concentrate on and he didn’t want that to blow up into smithereens too so he let that night with Baekhyun slide until he’d finished his work.
Now that the time had come, Jongdae wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. So he did it the only way he knows how to, straight out.
It’s a week after his last project. After finishing the stale dinner Baekhyun left for him in the fridge, he makes his way upstairs to their bedroom - or more like Baekhyun’s bedroom now that Jongdae sleeps in the guest room.
“Baek, we need to talk.”
Somehow, those four words always seem to get things done. Jongdae concludes they work better than profanities and threats when Baekhyun looks up at him and doesn’t ask anything but simply says, “Okay.”
Jongdae slides into the right side of the bed, where he used to belong, where his weight used to leave a mark but all it is now is a section of neat, untouched sheets, a clear sign of their separation.
“What’s going on with us? What happened to us?” Jongdae begins.
“What do you mean?”
“We’re not the same. In case you haven’t realized, I haven’t even been sleeping in this bed, in our bed for months. I don’t know when’s the last time we ate a meal together and since when have our conversations been reduced to the necessities and one word replies?”
Silence ensues so Jongdae takes the opportunity to continue.
“Scratch that. I don’t want to know when we started getting so bad. I want to know why.”
He waits for Baekhyun to answer. He waits, and he waits and he waits. He considers leaving when the silence has been going on for almost five minutes but he stays. He knows he may never get this opportunity again. Jongdae is patient, he really is but there’s only so much he can take. And if Baekhyun isn’t going to answer in the next 10 seconds, Jongdae will have to.
The silence kills, but not as much as what Jongdae says next.
“Who is Park Chanyeol?”
Upon hearing the name, Baekhyun’s ears perk up. He finally turns to face Jongdae. In that moment, the lights are dim, the only sound in the room is the tense beating of their hearts and the occasional bleep of the digital clock.
Baekhyun stares into Jongdae’s deep eyes, so pure, so bright. The shadows outline his face and he realizes he misses the slight upturn of the corners of Jongdae’s lips, the sweet voice that serenades him to sleep. He examines the face he’s forgotten for months and lets slip an apology.
“I’m so sorry.”
That’s all he can say.
The tears begin to fall. Bodys grow limp and sobs echo in the empty room.
Baekhyun feels like this is goodbye. He knows it is. This is where it ends.
And yet, the absence of a pang in his heart tells him that the abandonment of this relationship, this withering of a flower once blossoming with love and warmth is nothing compared to the feelings he’d left behind for years.
❀❀❀❀❀
Sometimes life isn’t pretty. There are no cute stickers or glittery fonts on the divorce papers. Everything is black and white, monotone just like their relationship.
It took them three years to do it. They let their kids go off to college, sent them off to good schools to get good jobs and live good lives. Once their kids had been settled, they filed for the divorce.
The kids were old enough to understand. It wasn’t that big of deal. People fall out of love.
❀❀❀❀❀
On the other side of the globe though, things flow much smoother.
Chanyeol and Sehun’s son, Kyungsoo was already a working man.
Chanyeol and Sehun even laughed about everything. It took some courage to actually bring it up but sometimes, you just have to jump.
Sehun owned up first.
It was a Saturday evening and they were off on a weekend getaway to some tropical island. They sat side by side on beach chairs, watching the sunset. The atmosphere was calm and free.
“Chanyeol, do you think we were meant to be?” Sehun blurts out. His voice slurs a little out of laziness.
Chanyeol considers the question posed by the younger male.
Chanyeol’s never been the brightest kid and so he answers simply, “I don’t know.”
But that’s enough to set Sehun up for his confession. If there was even an ounce of uncertainty in Chanyeol, he was going to pounce on it.
“I need to tell you something. Promise you won’t get angry,” he breathes out, composed and confident.
Eyes growing drowsy and seeing a blur of orange, Chanyeol replies, “Shoot. I won’t get angry.”
“I don’t think we’re meant to be.”
To Sehun’s surprise, Chanyeol doesn’t shout. Chanyeol doesn’t cry. Instead, he’s just as calm as he is and says, “Well, now that you say it, I guess I don’t think so either.”
Sehun’s a bit taken aback to be honest but this is good. Things are running in his favour.
“I’ve been writing to an old friend in China. I think he’s the one.”
Sehun’s even more surprised when Chanyeol laughs.
“Good. Funny how things work out, Hun-ah. I’ve been talking to my ex. I think he’s the one too.”
Sehun gets it now. He understands and now he’s the one laughing.
“It is funny how things work out.”
There is no awkwardness, there are no angry fits of rage or bursts of blame. It’s all cool on this side. They spend the rest of the day observing the sky as it changes its shades from bright orange, to deep red to burgundy to a sort of lavender and finally settles on a midnight blue.
The air is cool, fresh and soft. The wind carries with it liberation, laughter and love.
The rest of their weekend getaway is spent reminiscing on all the things they’re thankful for in their relationship. Thankful for Kyungsoo, thankful for the way Chanyeol turns off the lights when Sehun falls asleep early. Thankful for how Sehun makes the perfect cup of coffee to get both their mornings started. Thankful for how Sehun’s high-pitched mirth quelled Chanyeol’s burning flames when he was beginning to get a case of road rage. Thankful for Chanyeol’s long arms being able to lock Sehun in close and warm during the cold winters of 2011. Thankful for the shared laughter, thankful for the peace. Thankful for all the love over the years and thankful for understanding.
❀❀❀❀❀
Baekhyun’s at the airport, ready to buy his one-way ticket back to Korea. After settling all the troublesome divorce papers, he was finally ready.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:33 PM
Yeol, I’m sad.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:34 PM
What happened?
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:46 PM
Byun Baekhyun sends an image.
Chanyeol downloads the image and finds himself staring at a lovely sky. The sky is purple, majestic and mysterious. Clouds sneak their way in little wisps like strings of cotton candy and Chanyeol thinks to himself that he’s never seen a sky so beautiful.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:50 PM
Why does that make you sad? :( It’s beautiful. :)
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:52 PM
Because you’re not here to see it with me.
Chanyeol understands.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:54 PM
Hm.. what are you talking about? Turn around.
Baekhyun scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion but turns around nonetheless. As he swivels his head and shifts his feet, his eyes meet with a pair of shiny whites. It’s just teeth, but he can recognize that smile anywhere. He tilts his head upwards and is greeted by a welcoming pair of brown eyes much larger than his own.
“Hi, Baek,” Chanyeol starts, unable to contain the nervousness and excitement in his voice. He lifts his hands into a shy wave and Baekhyun sees the ugliest pair of gloves he's ever seen, the orange burning holes into his eyes and the uneven holes sparking trypophobia. That's also when he notices that wrapped around Chanyeol's neck is a knitted scarf - pink and blue striped with two little puppies on it, just the way he made it back in the 80's.
Without a splinter of hesitation, he embraces the shorter male in a long hug. It’s soft and fluffy, like hugging a teddy bear. It’s foreign yet familiar and they savour the taste, only breaking apart after a minute.
Baekhyun’s about to say something when Chanyeol fishes around his backpack, revealing a white cloth in his hand. It’s a patchwork of two puppies. The exact one that Baekhyun sacrificed hours of sleep for back in the day. The exact one he pricked his delicate fingers making, the exact one they admired together on their first year anniversary.
The different bursts of colours and splashes of patterns stand out against the stark white cloth and at the bottom right hand corner, three letters that kept Chanyeol going all this while are imprinted in fine golden thread - BBH.
“You kept this all this while?” Baekhyun stutters, feeling the tears form wells in his eyes.
“Happy 30th Anniversary, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, with a smile that could outshine the Sun. “Now let’s go watch that sky together.”
The odd couple link arms and make their way out of the stinky airport where hearts are breaking at separation and dreams are being chased after. The sky is transcending into a dark shade of purple, almost mauve.
For once in almost 30 years, Chanyeol is finally able to reach out and touch Baekhyun. A simple meeting of their fingers sparks a tingle and brings back memories of sweet summers and warm winters. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are finally able to express the things they left unsaid, the feelings they surrendered. They were free to love.
Chanyeol thinks back to the letters he wrote Baekhyun in the later half of the 80’s.
I guess it’s not such a bad thing that he didn’t receive the letters, Chanyeol concludes as he says a silent thanks to Baekhyun’s stupidity and the mailing system. After all, here they were, together now.
He wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s narrow shoulders and they sit at a bus stop. It’s definitely an awkward place to sit, especially during winter and when they don’t even want to board the bus but they want to savour the last few minutes of the beautiful evening sky before it disappears into an endless blue. Plus, it’s too cold to stand.
The atmosphere with it’s honking cars, zooming buses and loud families definitely isn’t the prettiest and they’ve sat on more comfortable chairs than the hard rails that push up into their thighs. Yet, they pay no mind.
For once in almost 30 years, two kindred spirits are reunited. And in a moment so beautiful as that, the rest of the world is erased. There are no devillish kids, impatient drivers or hordes of tourists crossing the streets as they admire the frost emitting from their mouths. There is just the two of them, Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
Their skins are decorated with more lines and wrinkles, more telltale signs of the years they missed together, but their hearts beat just as fast as it did decades ago. This is their fate, this is their destiny. This is where they are meant to be. Baekhyun’s head resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder, Chanyeol's head on Baekhyun's little tuft of hair, hands intertwined and staring out into the same beautiful sky together.
Letting someone go doesn’t mean you throw away your feelings for them for eternity. If it’s true, it’ll always be there, making a nest in the depths of your heart, between arteries and blood vessels. Letting someone go means you trust them enough and believe in their love enough to know they’ll always come back to you.
Rating: pg-13
Member: chanyeolxbaekhyun
Genre: romance, slight angst???
Length: oneshot, 5k
Warning: unbeta-ed :-(( [wouldn't mind one!]
Summary: sometimes separation is best
a/n: sorry if you don't like letters ;A; it's not letters the whole way though so please bear with me //.\\
Baekhyun and Chanyeol met in college.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol liked each other.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol loved each other.
Baekhyun took a plane to America.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol became
Baekhyun
and
Chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
you know i’m not really good at writing letters, or anything for that matter. but for you, i’m attempting to come up with something mildly good. so, um, how’s america treating you? i really miss you. i hate not being able to see you every day. i hate not being able to feel your fingers against mine. i hate not being able to wake up to your warm breathing, to your steady heartbeat and to your stupid Hello Kitty pillow. i hate not being able to ruffle your hair, i hate not being able to ....you know...
but it’s okay.
because at least through these letters, i can still “say” i love you.
i love you, baekhyunnie.
see you soon (not really but hopefully),
your chanyeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
hi. did you get my first letter? well, i guess it doesn’t really matter whether you did or not. it feels nice for me just to write out all my feelings anyway. but of course, it’d be great if i could get a reply or something, haha.
i hope everything’s okay, baek. i hope america’s fine, i hope your aunt’s fine. take care, be safe. don’t get lost. don’t go to places alone (but don’t go with some random hot guy either). be careful when you’re on the subway, especially. make sure you look both ways crossing the road... even when the green man is there. you know how bad these accidents can get, ugh.
so, um, yeah, i’ll see you in like, ...well i don’t know how long..because you didn’t exactly say when you’d be back from visiting your aunt...
three months? yeah? i’d assume around there.
i love you, baekky.
see you soon,
yeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
hi bunny!! this last semester is really killing me. i don’t know how you got through it. maybe it was all those late night hot chocolates you always made. i tried to do it myself, with four marshmallows the way you always do. but it just isn’t the same.
the chocolate doesn’t clump at the bottom
the marshmallows aren’t fluffy past a minute
you’re not sitting across me, sipping the same hot chocolate and burning your impatient tongue
you’re not sitting across me, laughing at me when i end up burning mine too
and i hate that.
but i love you.
it’s been three months. i hope i’ll see you (or at least hear from you) soon.
much love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
where are you?
why won’t you reply me?
if i’ve been sending this to the wrong address or something, please help me,let me know and help me find baekhyun.
it hurts.
i dont know anymore,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i feel like this is kinda pointless but i don’t care. this is the only connection i have with you ever since you took that stupid plane to stupid america.
mm, so, i passed my last semester!!! i ended up top in the class! aren’t you proud of your big puppy? i know i’m missing my small puppy. i worked really hard in case you ran away from me because you thought i was stupid. i know chanyeol doesn’t always have the brightest ideas, but chanyeol shines bright for you and chanyeol shines brightest when he’s with you.
so please come back.
anyway, if you were here, just imagine the celebrations! hmm, i imagine we’d have dinner at a really fancy place where they give you more than one fork and one knife and where everyone talks so soft it’s scary. i imagine we’d slow dance idiotically like juniors at their first prom. i imagine you’d tiptoe up for a kiss and i’ll be taken back by surprise. i imagine i’d kiss you back and we’d fall back onto the fluffy bed and the rest of the night is for you to imagine.
i love you, like really, and i always will.
forever yours,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
it’s been 5 months. i’m still not gving up, never will.
waiting for you,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀dear baekhyun,
7 months since you’ve been gone. it’s 7/6/1987; happy 2 years and 7 months.
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
guess what i found today! that old scarf you made me. yes, the really ugly one (i’m sorry but the truth hurts hehe).
it was kinda raggedy-looking from being under a bunch of lamps and stuff but it turned out pretty okay after i put it in the wash.
in case you don’t remember, it’s pink and blue striped with puppies on it. and the puppies are supposed to be us - you and me, baekhyun and chanyeol. :)
i love you!
chanyeollie.
❀❀❀❀❀dear baekhyun,
i found your scarf last time and this time, it’s the gloves! the bright orange ones you knitted with holes far too big and something that’s supposed to be a snowman but looks more like a mutated bunny. aww, don’t cry, don’t think of a mutated bunny, aww. i’m sorry but that really is the perfect way to describe it!!
deal with it, brada.
remember how you gave it to me for our first christmas together? hahahha, after that i insisted presents weren’t necessary. i love how warm you make the winter feel and i really miss the way you snuggled up to me during those snow days. i miss how we could feel so perfectly content just lying in bed together.
i really miss you.
and i really love you baekhyun.
from a person who doesn’t know how to let go,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
merry christmas! christmas doesn’t feel the same without you. park residence is having their annual christmas dinner. you know, with mom’s feasts and dad’s kararoke sessions, it’s tiring without you by my side.
honestly, i feel alone. i just want to sit outside regardless of the cold, wait for a shooting star and wish for you to be back here with me.
all i want for christmas is you.
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i can’t believe i’m still writing.
should i give up on you?
from,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
found a stray puppy today on the way to the supermarket. i took him in! sehun loves puppies too anyway so it all works out. plus he doesn’t mind that we name it baek-q.
from a guy who named his puppy after you,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i heard it’s snowing in america! keep warm. bundle up. don’t care if you look like a ball. i’d rather you stay healthy than look good. ‘cause you always look good anyway.
and taking care of a sick baekhyun is not fun at all. we can’t even kiss. :-(
love,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
sehun says i’m stupid for writing these letters to someone who never replies.
he asked me why i still do it.
and sometimes i ask myself why too.
from,
chanyeol.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear baekhyun,
i think this is gonna be the last one.
yours,
pcy.
❀❀❀❀❀
dear byun baekhyun,
i fucking hate you. why are you making love so hard.
all i want is you. all i want is to love you. all i want is you back here. i miss you so much but i cant keep holding on forever if you’re not even giving me a glimmer of hope.
all i want is your chubby little self, fitting yourself into the incomplete puzzle that is me.
all i want is your head to rest on my chest and feel safe.
all i want is someone to watch romantic comedies with and cries as much (if not more) than i do
all i want is to hold your hand when we cross the street and walk through the sea of people
all i want is to fall asleep on your shoulder on the bus ride back from the ice skating rink
all i want is to share earphones and get all tangled up
all i want is to hear your heartbeat and feel your fingers playing with mine
all i want is to see your hazelnut eyes
all i want is to taste your sugar-coated lips
all i want is to know you’re there.
all i want is to know you want all this as much as i do.
i think this is it.
forever yours,
park chanyeol.
p.s. i love you, baekhyun, more than you’ll ever know.
❀❀❀❀❀
After years of hanging on to a rope that seemingly gets thinner with each passing day, Chanyeol finally learns to move on. He goes through his Masters with a new boyfriend, Sehun, whom he gets married to soon after graduating. Somewhere on the walls of his new house, he frames a patchwork of a small puppy and a big puppy standing side by side. Baekhyun had made it for their first anniversary.
Baekhyun on the other hand moved on long ago. Upon arrival in the West, Baekhyun found that his father was set on him staying permanently in America. Arrangements were made. Mr. Byun had bought him a house, found him a job and set him up on one too many blind dates. Sooner or later though, he was introduced to Kim Jongdae, a fellow Korean living in America. They bonded over their roots, memories of pickled radishes, lively Korean streets and the same sense of humour. Eventually, they too tie the knot.
Years pass and everything happens as expected. Families are formed and lives are lived. Everything is normal.
❀❀❀❀❀One fine day in April, Baekhyun opens up his mail to something strange and unfamiliar.
You have one new friend request!
You have received a new message!
Baekhyun’s daughter, Hye Jun, had help him set up a Facebook account, in his efforts to “fit in” with the youngsters. He didn’t pay much attention to it and rarely ever checked it. He could predict his feed anyway - Suho would be posting about his kids, Luhan woud be ranting about the latest football match and Kai would be showing off his new choreography. Typical.
But this time, there was something that actually caught his eye. A friend request? A new message?
Park Chanyeol has added you on Facebook.
Park Chanyeol has sent you a message on Facebook.
Park Chanyeol? It didn’t take him more than 10 seconds to match the name to the face and the face to the feelings. How could he forget Park Chanyeol?
He felt wary of opening the message that was highlighted in his Facebook inbox so only after a minute of staring at it and convincing himself to follow Nike’s famous motto, he just did it. He clicked it and as he opened the message, he invited in a rush of memories and a weird feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite name, things he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
8/4/2011 20:08
Hi, Baekhyun! Is this you? Do you remember me? From Seoul University. If this is the Baekhyun who likes to sew and cook, likes puppies and bunnies, please leave me a reply. And if it’s not, please do let me know.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yes, he thought to himself, this is the Baekhyun who likes to sew and cook and likes puppies and bunnies.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
10/4/2011 12:13
Hi Chanyeol. This is me... Is this the Chanyeol who is 185cm tall, plays the guitar, was pursuing a degree in Economics and likes puppies and bunnies too?
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 01:02
The one and only. :)
01:20
So update me on everything. It’s really great to find you here.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 01:43
What do you want to know? I’m married with two kids. It’s great to talk to you again too. :)
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 01:47
Wow. We’re really grown up, aren’t we? Haha. I’m married with one son. Are yours boys or girls? Are you still in America or have you come back to Korea?
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 01:51
Haha yeah, I’ve got two beautiful girls. Still in America. Settled down here.
Staring at his screen, grown-up Chanyeol wonders if he should ask about the letters. He thumps his chest twice to give himself a little confidence.
Never ask, never know.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 02:01
Baekhyun, did you ever get my letters?
As soon as he hits Enter, he feels a mix of regret, fear and relief.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 02:02
What letters?
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 02:07
I wrote you a lot when you left for America.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 02:08
I never got any letters....
Chanyeol stares at the screen, the piercing light illuminating the otherwise dark room. He doesn’t know how to reply. He tries but ends up continuously backspacing the letters into nothing.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
Seriously?
I guess that’s just how we were supposed to end
Maybe it was fate
Haha that’s funny...
Nevermind then
He closes his laptop and does away with the daunting cursor, screaming at him to respond. He stares into the darkness and doesn’t realize when a tear tracks its way down his cheeks. He turns his back to Sehun and calls out to sleep to carry him away.
❀❀❀❀❀
Chanyeol wakes up the next morning to a new message from Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
11/4/2011 08:08
Hey Chanyeol, I think I know why I didn’t get any of your letters. And it’s going to sound really stupid. So like, I moved house as soon as I got to America but I assumed the mailman would deliver any mail addressed to the old house to the new house????? Don’t they do that??
Chanyeol’s fear for the past turns into laughter after he reads Baekhyun’s message. His overuse of question marks creates the image of a very cute and confused puppy in his mind. He can imagine just the look on Baekhyun’s face when he sent that message.
Realizing the stupidity of the whole thing, Chanyeol bursts into even louder laughter. He wants to slap himself in the face so bad for being such an idiot. He kinda wants to slap Baekhyun too, but he could never.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
11/4/2011 08:12
Hey, hahahaha. You’re right..... that is really stupid. No, they don’t.... Silly.
It doesn’t take them long to fall back into the routine of Baekhyun and Chanyeol. There’s a reason why they were together in the first place. They catch up on each other’s lives and slowly but surely they stay in contact, messaging each other practically every day.
❀❀❀❀❀
“Daddy, what’s so funny?” Hye Jun asks one day after Baekhyun suddenly bursts into giggles.
“Ahh, nothing Hye Jun-ah. It’s daddy’s best friend. He’s really funny,” Baekhyun replies, unable to look any longer at the picture Chanyeol sent him of Kris’ latest “masterpiece” which looks more like vomit on a bathroom tile.
They don’t know how it happened or who started it first (Baekhyun insists it’s Chanyeol and he lets it be so but he really thinks it’s Baekhyun) but they also start sending very affectionate texts.
Heart shapes and kisses fly across the globe and their fingers seemed to have memorized the patterns on their keypads that spell out “love” and “puppy”.
Somehow, words and images on a screen seem to be able to deliver warmth to the heart more than they ever could have imagined.
The both of them go to sleep, laying their bodies down next to the person they call their spouse while their heart is very much with someone who is halfway across the world from them.
This fact coupled with Jongdae prioritizing his work drives the Baekhyun and Jongdae apart.
And on the other side of the globe, Chanyeol feels no guilt after discovering love letters from China in Sehun’s sock drawer.
Funny how things work out.
❀❀❀❀❀
They mail each other cards and presents on special occassions and Hye Jun is suspicious of the bracelet Baekhyun receives in the mail. Baekhyun is ecstatic when the parcel arrives and Hye Jun has never seen her father so happy. His smile never falters not even for a second, except for when the tape was being uncooperative. But she doesn’t say anything. If her father is happy, so is she.
Sometimes they have arguments too. Petty ones like when Chanyeol kept waking up in the middle of the night and ruining his sleep schedule just to catch Baekhyun waking up in the morning. And serious ones like where they stand - old friends catching up or is there something behind the thoughtful presents and continuous chats that never stop going back and forth?
Everyone has their arguments but the thing about Chanyeol and Baekhyun is they always make up and in the end, they go to sleep with a smile on their faces. Chanyeol loves waking up to texts of Baekhyun going to sleep and Baekhyun cherishes the goodnight wishes carried by the stars from Chanyeol when he rises in the morning.
❀❀❀❀❀
But not everything in life is as simple as it seems. When a diamond is uncovered, there must have been pressure, hard work and sweat. When a rainbow shines up in the sky, it must have rained. For every up there is a down. And their relationship was no exception to this cold rule.
Baekhyun and Jongdae fight. A lot.
Their fights are the silent ones. The air grows stale, rigid and bitter. Words get stuck on the way up their throats and they just end in avoidant eye contact.
There is no need for words when they both know what’s going on.
The first night starts like this.
Jongdae comes back at three in the morning. Red, strained eyes, a perpetual frown pasted on his face and an aura that simply reeks of stress, heavy-duty paperwork and too much overtime. And yet, while his brain is practically frazzled and his soul is drained out, there Baekhyun is sitting on the bed, as carefree as ever laughing at something on his phone as usual.
“Why are you so happy?” Jongdae asks, the late nights at work making him agitated. He envies Baekhyun’s happiness.
“Oh, nothing..” Baekhyun looks up, unaware Jongdae had been in the room for the past five minutes.
There’s nothing wrong with his answer.
But what ticks Jongdae off is that unlike in the past, when Baekhyun would wrap him up in his arms immediately and nuzzle his neck until Jongdae felt at peace and dozed off, present Baekhyun simply turned his gaze back to his phone.
“What the fuck?” he bursts, the tasteless coffee from the office giving him the energy to explode.
“Hm?” Baekhyun says absentmindedly.
His gaze is still focused on that damned screen.
“Baekhyun, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck are you looking at and what the fuck are you doing over there all smiley and giggly like a schoolgirl when your fucking husband is standing right here obviously in need of love?”
He doesn’t like saying it but if Baekhyun didn’t get the message the first time, he was going to put everything out there, nice and straightforward and clear.
Baekhyun doesn’t respond and Jongdae thinks he’s going to rip his hair out and jump off their balcony. Instead, he takes a deep breath, takes a shower and takes a peek at Baekhyun’s phone.
Park Chanyeol.
Who the fuck is that?
❀❀❀❀❀
They don’t talk properly for another 6 months. The atmosphere is bad. No one eats dinner at the same time anymore. It was rare to find Jongdae and Baekhyun even standing in the same room. Under the pretense of not wanting to disturb Baekhyun when he got back from overtime, Jongdae starts to sleep in their guest room and leaves Baekhyun to his phone upstairs.
After 6 months, Jongdae finally closes the company’s biggest deal and he’s at peace. Now, he feels he can talk to Baekhyun. All this time, he’d just been avoiding it. He had his work to concentrate on and he didn’t want that to blow up into smithereens too so he let that night with Baekhyun slide until he’d finished his work.
Now that the time had come, Jongdae wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. So he did it the only way he knows how to, straight out.
It’s a week after his last project. After finishing the stale dinner Baekhyun left for him in the fridge, he makes his way upstairs to their bedroom - or more like Baekhyun’s bedroom now that Jongdae sleeps in the guest room.
“Baek, we need to talk.”
Somehow, those four words always seem to get things done. Jongdae concludes they work better than profanities and threats when Baekhyun looks up at him and doesn’t ask anything but simply says, “Okay.”
Jongdae slides into the right side of the bed, where he used to belong, where his weight used to leave a mark but all it is now is a section of neat, untouched sheets, a clear sign of their separation.
“What’s going on with us? What happened to us?” Jongdae begins.
“What do you mean?”
“We’re not the same. In case you haven’t realized, I haven’t even been sleeping in this bed, in our bed for months. I don’t know when’s the last time we ate a meal together and since when have our conversations been reduced to the necessities and one word replies?”
Silence ensues so Jongdae takes the opportunity to continue.
“Scratch that. I don’t want to know when we started getting so bad. I want to know why.”
He waits for Baekhyun to answer. He waits, and he waits and he waits. He considers leaving when the silence has been going on for almost five minutes but he stays. He knows he may never get this opportunity again. Jongdae is patient, he really is but there’s only so much he can take. And if Baekhyun isn’t going to answer in the next 10 seconds, Jongdae will have to.
The silence kills, but not as much as what Jongdae says next.
“Who is Park Chanyeol?”
Upon hearing the name, Baekhyun’s ears perk up. He finally turns to face Jongdae. In that moment, the lights are dim, the only sound in the room is the tense beating of their hearts and the occasional bleep of the digital clock.
Baekhyun stares into Jongdae’s deep eyes, so pure, so bright. The shadows outline his face and he realizes he misses the slight upturn of the corners of Jongdae’s lips, the sweet voice that serenades him to sleep. He examines the face he’s forgotten for months and lets slip an apology.
“I’m so sorry.”
That’s all he can say.
The tears begin to fall. Bodys grow limp and sobs echo in the empty room.
Baekhyun feels like this is goodbye. He knows it is. This is where it ends.
And yet, the absence of a pang in his heart tells him that the abandonment of this relationship, this withering of a flower once blossoming with love and warmth is nothing compared to the feelings he’d left behind for years.
❀❀❀❀❀
Sometimes life isn’t pretty. There are no cute stickers or glittery fonts on the divorce papers. Everything is black and white, monotone just like their relationship.
It took them three years to do it. They let their kids go off to college, sent them off to good schools to get good jobs and live good lives. Once their kids had been settled, they filed for the divorce.
The kids were old enough to understand. It wasn’t that big of deal. People fall out of love.
❀❀❀❀❀
On the other side of the globe though, things flow much smoother.
Chanyeol and Sehun’s son, Kyungsoo was already a working man.
Chanyeol and Sehun even laughed about everything. It took some courage to actually bring it up but sometimes, you just have to jump.
Sehun owned up first.
It was a Saturday evening and they were off on a weekend getaway to some tropical island. They sat side by side on beach chairs, watching the sunset. The atmosphere was calm and free.
“Chanyeol, do you think we were meant to be?” Sehun blurts out. His voice slurs a little out of laziness.
Chanyeol considers the question posed by the younger male.
Chanyeol’s never been the brightest kid and so he answers simply, “I don’t know.”
But that’s enough to set Sehun up for his confession. If there was even an ounce of uncertainty in Chanyeol, he was going to pounce on it.
“I need to tell you something. Promise you won’t get angry,” he breathes out, composed and confident.
Eyes growing drowsy and seeing a blur of orange, Chanyeol replies, “Shoot. I won’t get angry.”
“I don’t think we’re meant to be.”
To Sehun’s surprise, Chanyeol doesn’t shout. Chanyeol doesn’t cry. Instead, he’s just as calm as he is and says, “Well, now that you say it, I guess I don’t think so either.”
Sehun’s a bit taken aback to be honest but this is good. Things are running in his favour.
“I’ve been writing to an old friend in China. I think he’s the one.”
Sehun’s even more surprised when Chanyeol laughs.
“Good. Funny how things work out, Hun-ah. I’ve been talking to my ex. I think he’s the one too.”
Sehun gets it now. He understands and now he’s the one laughing.
“It is funny how things work out.”
There is no awkwardness, there are no angry fits of rage or bursts of blame. It’s all cool on this side. They spend the rest of the day observing the sky as it changes its shades from bright orange, to deep red to burgundy to a sort of lavender and finally settles on a midnight blue.
The air is cool, fresh and soft. The wind carries with it liberation, laughter and love.
The rest of their weekend getaway is spent reminiscing on all the things they’re thankful for in their relationship. Thankful for Kyungsoo, thankful for the way Chanyeol turns off the lights when Sehun falls asleep early. Thankful for how Sehun makes the perfect cup of coffee to get both their mornings started. Thankful for how Sehun’s high-pitched mirth quelled Chanyeol’s burning flames when he was beginning to get a case of road rage. Thankful for Chanyeol’s long arms being able to lock Sehun in close and warm during the cold winters of 2011. Thankful for the shared laughter, thankful for the peace. Thankful for all the love over the years and thankful for understanding.
❀❀❀❀❀
Baekhyun’s at the airport, ready to buy his one-way ticket back to Korea. After settling all the troublesome divorce papers, he was finally ready.
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:33 PM
Yeol, I’m sad.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:34 PM
What happened?
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:46 PM
Byun Baekhyun sends an image.
Chanyeol downloads the image and finds himself staring at a lovely sky. The sky is purple, majestic and mysterious. Clouds sneak their way in little wisps like strings of cotton candy and Chanyeol thinks to himself that he’s never seen a sky so beautiful.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:50 PM
Why does that make you sad? :( It’s beautiful. :)
Byun Baekhyun to Park Chanyeol
7/11/2014 6:52 PM
Because you’re not here to see it with me.
Chanyeol understands.
Park Chanyeol to Byun Baekhyun
7/11/2014 6:54 PM
Hm.. what are you talking about? Turn around.
Baekhyun scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion but turns around nonetheless. As he swivels his head and shifts his feet, his eyes meet with a pair of shiny whites. It’s just teeth, but he can recognize that smile anywhere. He tilts his head upwards and is greeted by a welcoming pair of brown eyes much larger than his own.
“Hi, Baek,” Chanyeol starts, unable to contain the nervousness and excitement in his voice. He lifts his hands into a shy wave and Baekhyun sees the ugliest pair of gloves he's ever seen, the orange burning holes into his eyes and the uneven holes sparking trypophobia. That's also when he notices that wrapped around Chanyeol's neck is a knitted scarf - pink and blue striped with two little puppies on it, just the way he made it back in the 80's.
Without a splinter of hesitation, he embraces the shorter male in a long hug. It’s soft and fluffy, like hugging a teddy bear. It’s foreign yet familiar and they savour the taste, only breaking apart after a minute.
Baekhyun’s about to say something when Chanyeol fishes around his backpack, revealing a white cloth in his hand. It’s a patchwork of two puppies. The exact one that Baekhyun sacrificed hours of sleep for back in the day. The exact one he pricked his delicate fingers making, the exact one they admired together on their first year anniversary.
The different bursts of colours and splashes of patterns stand out against the stark white cloth and at the bottom right hand corner, three letters that kept Chanyeol going all this while are imprinted in fine golden thread - BBH.
“You kept this all this while?” Baekhyun stutters, feeling the tears form wells in his eyes.
“Happy 30th Anniversary, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, with a smile that could outshine the Sun. “Now let’s go watch that sky together.”
The odd couple link arms and make their way out of the stinky airport where hearts are breaking at separation and dreams are being chased after. The sky is transcending into a dark shade of purple, almost mauve.
For once in almost 30 years, Chanyeol is finally able to reach out and touch Baekhyun. A simple meeting of their fingers sparks a tingle and brings back memories of sweet summers and warm winters. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are finally able to express the things they left unsaid, the feelings they surrendered. They were free to love.
Chanyeol thinks back to the letters he wrote Baekhyun in the later half of the 80’s.
I guess it’s not such a bad thing that he didn’t receive the letters, Chanyeol concludes as he says a silent thanks to Baekhyun’s stupidity and the mailing system. After all, here they were, together now.
He wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s narrow shoulders and they sit at a bus stop. It’s definitely an awkward place to sit, especially during winter and when they don’t even want to board the bus but they want to savour the last few minutes of the beautiful evening sky before it disappears into an endless blue. Plus, it’s too cold to stand.
The atmosphere with it’s honking cars, zooming buses and loud families definitely isn’t the prettiest and they’ve sat on more comfortable chairs than the hard rails that push up into their thighs. Yet, they pay no mind.
For once in almost 30 years, two kindred spirits are reunited. And in a moment so beautiful as that, the rest of the world is erased. There are no devillish kids, impatient drivers or hordes of tourists crossing the streets as they admire the frost emitting from their mouths. There is just the two of them, Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
Their skins are decorated with more lines and wrinkles, more telltale signs of the years they missed together, but their hearts beat just as fast as it did decades ago. This is their fate, this is their destiny. This is where they are meant to be. Baekhyun’s head resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder, Chanyeol's head on Baekhyun's little tuft of hair, hands intertwined and staring out into the same beautiful sky together.
Letting someone go doesn’t mean you throw away your feelings for them for eternity. If it’s true, it’ll always be there, making a nest in the depths of your heart, between arteries and blood vessels. Letting someone go means you trust them enough and believe in their love enough to know they’ll always come back to you.