Heartache

[eternalise]

I don't know what to feel right now... I let this girl go so long ago, but its not hard to close my eyez and go back to the time when we were inseperable.. We both moved on, had our own lives, loves, jobs, responsibilities.. but there was rarely a great stretch of time (especially holidays) when she didn't get in touch with me and remind me that I could always call or visit or ask if I ever needed anything at all.. I wracked my brain so many times just trying to figure out why she still cared so much, as my self esteem isn't always the greatest.. I just didn't understand. She always approached me in the most mature manner, completely disregarded any fights or bad words we ever shared.. She didn't need me, or ever ask a favor of me.. Even when I had moved away and she had moved away too, I'd still find out she had called my mom to find out how I was doing, and the pictures I posted on the last entry were the recent pics she had included in a sweet Christmas card to my family this past year.. She was athletic, full of life, had a great head on her shoulders, responsible, and I was so proud of her for getting her life together and going to college.. I still haven't looked at the boxes of "Laney Stuff" in my basement, but I intend to get some things together to give back to her family.. I still have enough letters and notes and cards from her to wallpaper a house.. I don't know how I'm going to make it through her funeral. We had seperate lives for the last few years, and I feel bad knowing that she was always the one who got in touch with me.. I was happy knowing she was doing the right thing for herself, but I didn't want to worry Lara by talking to her much.. Lara is being wonderful and understanding about this, though, and I love her so much for it. She knows how special Laney will always be to me, and I just wish I knew how to contact more of her/our old friends. I'm making these entries public in hopes that someone might see this and get in touch with me with information about anyone else that would like to send condolences. I have the address and her mother's fone number if you know of any of "the old crew" or people she was friends with after we broke up. I don't care about any hard feelings with anyone, I just want everyone she loved to be there for her.. I need to stop talking though.. Its hard not to feel a little guilty for being so upset, but there are so few people I've ever had such a strong bond with.. I managed to go so long without having to deal with death so close to me, and in no longer than a year, I've lost 3 people I loved that were my age. Its so hard to feel vulnerable or mortal when you're in your prime.. I won't know until tomorrow probably what actually happened to her, but I know that she died in her sleep so it was peaceful and painless. I'm sorry Laney!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could do more NOW for her, but there's nothing I can do besides remember waking up to chocolate chip pancakes, going to class and finding "I love You" written in candy pixie dust.. and remember how she stole my senior yearbook and turned the last page into a collage/timeline of our relationship up to that point.. how I'd get something so small as a cold and she'd wake me up with a "get well soon" balloon.. all the adorable cards she would get in trouble for making at work and at school.. and the stack of floppy disks she would write stories and letters on for me when she was supposed to be working.. Regardless of any bad things that happened, or any character flaws, she really was an incredibly sweet and caring girl. When I hit rock bottom and was strung out recently, she begged me to come and take a vacation at her apartment and I never made it. I have my own life now and she had hers, but just as I wouldn't want to hurt her when we were together, I didn't want to hurt Lara now. I don't regret that. I just wish I could have seen her smiling, bubbly, funny and alive one more time. She was SO alive.. I can't believe this. I always wondered why she fell for me so quickly and stayed with me so long.. She was just a ball of fire, and she was happy for me and Lara.. She talked about how beautiful we were together and how she'd like to meet Lara and even though I knew that would probably never happen and would be awkward, I wish we had just tried it out. Laney, I don't know why you had to go so soon, but I know you had a better life than most of us simply because you'd never settle for 15 minutes of boredom and you made every waking moment of your life fun and exciting. I wish I had the balls you did to live the way you wanted. There are so many memories and reminders here that break my heart.. I had never met a girl so GORGEOUS who NEVER flaunted it and was always casual, cool, and able to light up a room with her smile like you could. All of those times I thought you were crazy for the things you did, (and the people you did them for).. now I realize that you just couldn't see anyone around you suffer or need for something. You shared everything, you helped so many people out, money was no object to you when it came to friends.. You really were a beautiful soul. I could say so much.. Our relationship could have filled any normal couples' life for 50 years.. I owe a lot of that excitement and fun to you. I don't know why you cared so much and stayed in touch but I thank God I got to continue knowing you and you made me laugh and feel hopeful right up to this last week. I am so terrible at things like this.. I feel like there's so much I could or should do to honor your life and memory, and anything that doesn't go to your family that I have, will stay with me forever. You spent such a short time up here, in this town, and left such a big impression.. We just didn't know anyone like you. We never will again.
Thank you for listening when I needed you, and thank you for making me laugh so many times till I cried. I wish that was the reason for these tears that are making it hard to type.