(no subject)
i want so much. i always expect so much from people and things and life and i'm so scared that i'll be disappointed. i'm always disappointed in people. i really am. brooke and xixi never disappoint me, but everyone else does and its depressing. life disappoints me. i expect so much and want so much and i know its only up to me. i feel so uninspired. i want so much though. maybe its natural to want more, i'm constantly demanding more from people and myself and i hate disappointment. it feels great when things work out, it really does and i think i just want to capture that feeling and make it last long enough before something else happens that fucks that moment up. this sounds crazy and i'm trying to explain it, but i dont really know how. i'm insufferable. sometimes i wonder whats the point in everything. why do i try and poor myself into things? is that what living is going to be like forever? i think about times when i'm really, truly happy. sincerely happy. i think life could be about trying to maintain that state of happiness but making it last. i cant always be wasting time with friends though. and that wont always make me happy. i really dont know sometimes.