(no subject)
I haven't updated in ages. Lately i've noticed many of my entries start like this one, but i just feel so lost at the moment. Everything in my life seems wrong or like its falling apart. Eynesbury sent me a letter yesterday. Offering me a scholarship. Last year this would have made me so happy. I dont know if i should take it. Since then, i've left my other school and am now going to usc. It's great, its like eynesbury, but in many ways, better. But i originally wanted to go to eynesbury. I dont know what i should do. Maybe its like a sign? Saying i should take it and go there? I half want to.
Last week xixi said something to me thats really made me think. I dont know what i really want out of life. I only have this preconceeded idea about what i should be feeling like when i've 'made it'. I dont want to be disappointed. I remember times when i've been happy, like care-free happy, but as you grow, you want more, i want more now, and maybe being 'happy' is trying to maintain that happy feeling but constantly? But i cant always be wasting time with my friends or playing cards. Sometimes i wonder what the point of everything is. Why do i even try? Why do people feel the need to be happy? It's kind of innate to want to succeed for me, i cant see myself not trying or just ditching studying, but i secretly wonder 'why' when i put so my effort into essays, or studying hard for tests.
I haven't spoken to ann for ages. It's killing me. It really is. I ended a friendship with someone else who i thought was a good friend. I attempted to save it, but i couldn't, i don't think. That bothers me. I failed, really, i did. I tried, but they didn't reciprocate. Maybe i should just let it go?
Schools started again, and i feel all this pressure. I want to do good this semester. I need to do well. I feel so stressed and like i have no direction in life. I don't know what to do. Sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i didn't get choices. I know i'm so lucky to be able to choose which school to go to, which subjects to do, how i run my life etc, but its so hard in so many ways. If i didn't have choices, if i didn't have options, i don't think i'd get so disappointed. Its like, when i do something, make a choice and i end up regretting it, i only have myself to blame, but when i have no choice and i end up resenting it, i don't hate myself for it, i usually resent someone else, or dont end up resenting anyone because i dont know any differently.
I just wish i knew what i wanted. I only have ideas. And if i dont know what i want, i'll just be drifting, looking for something. I don't want to waste my life. I dont want to be putting so much effort into stuff if its for nothing. God, i feel so lost and it's consuming me. I never feel hungry anymore, all i want to do is sleep so i dont have to think about things, i can barely concentrate and all i keep asking myself is why? whats the point? And because of that, i've tried to fix other things, and ended up stuffing it up. Matthew with most likely never speak to me again, and the sad thing is he was my sincere friend, and i dont care that we'll probably never talk again. All i can think about is that i failed. I couldn't save that, and god knows how i'm going to find direction in my life. I'm just so worried and confused and i feel like i'm just drifting and i cant get a proper grasp on anything. And i don't know what to do. I dont know who i can talk to or how it'll even help. I just wish i were stronger. And i don't know how to stop feeling like this.
Last week xixi said something to me thats really made me think. I dont know what i really want out of life. I only have this preconceeded idea about what i should be feeling like when i've 'made it'. I dont want to be disappointed. I remember times when i've been happy, like care-free happy, but as you grow, you want more, i want more now, and maybe being 'happy' is trying to maintain that happy feeling but constantly? But i cant always be wasting time with my friends or playing cards. Sometimes i wonder what the point of everything is. Why do i even try? Why do people feel the need to be happy? It's kind of innate to want to succeed for me, i cant see myself not trying or just ditching studying, but i secretly wonder 'why' when i put so my effort into essays, or studying hard for tests.
I haven't spoken to ann for ages. It's killing me. It really is. I ended a friendship with someone else who i thought was a good friend. I attempted to save it, but i couldn't, i don't think. That bothers me. I failed, really, i did. I tried, but they didn't reciprocate. Maybe i should just let it go?
Schools started again, and i feel all this pressure. I want to do good this semester. I need to do well. I feel so stressed and like i have no direction in life. I don't know what to do. Sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i didn't get choices. I know i'm so lucky to be able to choose which school to go to, which subjects to do, how i run my life etc, but its so hard in so many ways. If i didn't have choices, if i didn't have options, i don't think i'd get so disappointed. Its like, when i do something, make a choice and i end up regretting it, i only have myself to blame, but when i have no choice and i end up resenting it, i don't hate myself for it, i usually resent someone else, or dont end up resenting anyone because i dont know any differently.
I just wish i knew what i wanted. I only have ideas. And if i dont know what i want, i'll just be drifting, looking for something. I don't want to waste my life. I dont want to be putting so much effort into stuff if its for nothing. God, i feel so lost and it's consuming me. I never feel hungry anymore, all i want to do is sleep so i dont have to think about things, i can barely concentrate and all i keep asking myself is why? whats the point? And because of that, i've tried to fix other things, and ended up stuffing it up. Matthew with most likely never speak to me again, and the sad thing is he was my sincere friend, and i dont care that we'll probably never talk again. All i can think about is that i failed. I couldn't save that, and god knows how i'm going to find direction in my life. I'm just so worried and confused and i feel like i'm just drifting and i cant get a proper grasp on anything. And i don't know what to do. I dont know who i can talk to or how it'll even help. I just wish i were stronger. And i don't know how to stop feeling like this.