one day at a time...
this week has been rift with emotion. it's not day by day anymore, it's hour by hour. clea is vomiting at least once a day now. she doesn't want to eat anything unless it's something particularly yummy. like ice cream. she got ice cream today.
when she does eat, it's very little. she ate a little breakfast today, but threw it up. all she wants is ice cream. so that's what she has. tonight, she can have steak, if that's all she wants to eat.
i've spent all day with her, doing everything she loves the most. we went to scott park and took a long, leisurely walk in the woods down by the cliffs over the bay. i took lots of photos. she sniffed everything and we spent some time sitting on a bed of moss, looking out over the bay and just enjoying the moment. it was very bittersweet, knowing it might be the last time she and i sit at that spot. we also went to her favorite beach, but there was no running today. just silent contemplation of the waves pounding the beach as i talked to her about how much i love her and how happy i am to have had these moments with her today. i talked about her life, how i hope it's been happy. i told her i'm praying for more time, but if she's not happy, if she's hurting, i will let her go because i love her.
i consulted my animal communicator, anita curtis, on monday about clea. i've used this woman's services several times over the past couple of years, and she's been nothing short of amazing. she has a gift, and i trust her. she told me that clea is indeed becoming uncomfortable, and that her kidneys and liver may be failing. we already knew this from the blood results on saturday, but then she told me something i didn't know; the main reason why clea doesn't want to eat is because she's feeling uncomfortable in her belly, between her rib cage and her naval, just a couple inches inside. well, the next day freedom was feeling her belly and he found a mass in that exact spot. it's within her intestines. it wasn't visible on the xrays or palpable last week. now we know why her calcium spiked again so highly. there was growth. there's no point in removing it, this has also spread to her lungs. the xrays proved that.
anita also told me some other things that left me speechless, but i'm not getting into that right now because it refers to the future and another dog i know. right now, i'm more concerned about the present and this darling girl i have here with me right now.
oh, and she told me that clea wants ice cream, an ice cream cone specifically, so that's what we got today. she's always enjoyed her ice cream trips, ever since we started them when i lived in ohio with her 7 years ago. we'd go to handel's every couple of weeks so she could get a little "doggie cone" with vanilla ice cream. two of her favorite words are "ice cream". her eyes light up, she barks and rumbles and wags her tail when she hears them. she even smiles.
sure enough, her eyes lit up when we approached that drive thru at dairy queen! she didn't eat it until we got home, probably because her belly felt bad, but she gobbled it down when we got home. she had it all over her nose.
i'm waiting for clea's vet to call me. i want to discuss the final option we have left to us; making her as comfortable as possible until her time comes. it is her wish, and ours', that she remain here at home for her final moments. most likely, like i probably already mentioned, we will simply be giving her pain meds until nature runs it's course, or if she continues to be entirely uninterested in eating and becomes unresponsive or shows signs of pain or distress despite any treatments, i want to arrange for the vet to visit our home for... well, something to allow her to release her body comfortably and with dignity. i don't want her to hurt. i accept that it's my responsibility as her best friend and "mommy" to let her go, but it's still going to hurt like hell. i'm not going to force her to stick around just because i'm not ready. i love her too much to do that.
i've contacted the local pet crematorium while i can still function and think. just so i know what to do and how much it costs, so i'm prepared and can ask for a pay advance if necessary. when misty passed on, this ordeal was a total mess and wasn't done how i felt it should've been. i want to handle this with the dignity and respect that clea deserves.
they will make a paw cast for me. they will let me bring her in, and allow me to have a witness at her cremation if i need that. i will handle all the details, not some anonymous person through the vet hospital. and yes, i can handle that.
i made these arrangements so i can stop worrying about stupid details and enjoy the time she has left.
which i should go do right now. i'm going to spend my evening cuddling her, starting now.
when she does eat, it's very little. she ate a little breakfast today, but threw it up. all she wants is ice cream. so that's what she has. tonight, she can have steak, if that's all she wants to eat.
i've spent all day with her, doing everything she loves the most. we went to scott park and took a long, leisurely walk in the woods down by the cliffs over the bay. i took lots of photos. she sniffed everything and we spent some time sitting on a bed of moss, looking out over the bay and just enjoying the moment. it was very bittersweet, knowing it might be the last time she and i sit at that spot. we also went to her favorite beach, but there was no running today. just silent contemplation of the waves pounding the beach as i talked to her about how much i love her and how happy i am to have had these moments with her today. i talked about her life, how i hope it's been happy. i told her i'm praying for more time, but if she's not happy, if she's hurting, i will let her go because i love her.
i consulted my animal communicator, anita curtis, on monday about clea. i've used this woman's services several times over the past couple of years, and she's been nothing short of amazing. she has a gift, and i trust her. she told me that clea is indeed becoming uncomfortable, and that her kidneys and liver may be failing. we already knew this from the blood results on saturday, but then she told me something i didn't know; the main reason why clea doesn't want to eat is because she's feeling uncomfortable in her belly, between her rib cage and her naval, just a couple inches inside. well, the next day freedom was feeling her belly and he found a mass in that exact spot. it's within her intestines. it wasn't visible on the xrays or palpable last week. now we know why her calcium spiked again so highly. there was growth. there's no point in removing it, this has also spread to her lungs. the xrays proved that.
anita also told me some other things that left me speechless, but i'm not getting into that right now because it refers to the future and another dog i know. right now, i'm more concerned about the present and this darling girl i have here with me right now.
oh, and she told me that clea wants ice cream, an ice cream cone specifically, so that's what we got today. she's always enjoyed her ice cream trips, ever since we started them when i lived in ohio with her 7 years ago. we'd go to handel's every couple of weeks so she could get a little "doggie cone" with vanilla ice cream. two of her favorite words are "ice cream". her eyes light up, she barks and rumbles and wags her tail when she hears them. she even smiles.
sure enough, her eyes lit up when we approached that drive thru at dairy queen! she didn't eat it until we got home, probably because her belly felt bad, but she gobbled it down when we got home. she had it all over her nose.
i'm waiting for clea's vet to call me. i want to discuss the final option we have left to us; making her as comfortable as possible until her time comes. it is her wish, and ours', that she remain here at home for her final moments. most likely, like i probably already mentioned, we will simply be giving her pain meds until nature runs it's course, or if she continues to be entirely uninterested in eating and becomes unresponsive or shows signs of pain or distress despite any treatments, i want to arrange for the vet to visit our home for... well, something to allow her to release her body comfortably and with dignity. i don't want her to hurt. i accept that it's my responsibility as her best friend and "mommy" to let her go, but it's still going to hurt like hell. i'm not going to force her to stick around just because i'm not ready. i love her too much to do that.
i've contacted the local pet crematorium while i can still function and think. just so i know what to do and how much it costs, so i'm prepared and can ask for a pay advance if necessary. when misty passed on, this ordeal was a total mess and wasn't done how i felt it should've been. i want to handle this with the dignity and respect that clea deserves.
they will make a paw cast for me. they will let me bring her in, and allow me to have a witness at her cremation if i need that. i will handle all the details, not some anonymous person through the vet hospital. and yes, i can handle that.
i made these arrangements so i can stop worrying about stupid details and enjoy the time she has left.
which i should go do right now. i'm going to spend my evening cuddling her, starting now.