Why hold on....why be so upset?
I'll tell you why....a lot of it is fear. Fear that I'll lose such an amazing guy, fear that in all my life I'll never find someone that I connect on every level with like we did. You say that it wasn't going that great, but a few fights isn't "not going that great" That's a healthy thing and that's how we communicate and learn from things that we do wrong. You know that we had really great moments when we were together...even during the last month or so. And if you're willing to walk away from all of this with no regret, then I can't stop you. But before you go...
Always remember...
- how we came to be...friends who always had a special connection and an automatic trust in each other. Little did we know that we would develop strong feelings and have one of the greatest relationships of our lives.
- the chemistry we had at that first dance, dancing cheek to cheek almost kissing, eating at ihop and holding hands under the table, walking me to my car and the first kiss that felt like we had known each other forever
- every friday i had a good luck sign for you and i went to watch you at every game and an image of you walking off the field removing your helmet looking at me and smiling will forever be burned in my memory
- every saturday night you would come over to my house and "watch a movie" and afterwards we would drive around and get food, or starbucks, or jamba juice and then park somewhere and talk or sleep
- how you loved me for who i was...even when all your friends were saying "your girlfriend is hella weird" you didn't care you loved me for my weirdness and the things i said like angry eyes, ya big sexy cute, ripping is for paper, don't get big eyes at me...etc
- new years...my first kiss at midnight and that night in the car just looking at each other and talking about how we felt about each other and how awesome it was that we were together...
- nights that lasted forever...and when it was time to go it would take an extra 30 minutes to say goodbye
- my hand fit so perfectly into yours...like it was custom made to fit into yours
- kiss for me, for you, for both
- no matter what, i'll always be here for you. i'll always be a comfort to you when you need it. i'll always be your best friend. i'll always love you and you'll always have a place in my heart
And always remember...not to let anyone tear you down. don't let anyone tell you what to do. you can do anything that you want to do and you deserve to be happy. you've been through rough times, but you're still surviving and that's what makes you such a great person. through all the shit you've been through and dealt with in your life...you're still a perfect gentleman, an awesome friend, and a really great boyfriend.
anyway...
i've had fun being back in biloxi, but i'm ready to go back. i miss working...how pathetic is that? to miss work i must be absolutely insane, but whatever. i do miss work and having something to do everyday. yeah i hate where i live but it probably won't be too long until i find another job, start school, and hopefully move out into my own apartment. i've been getting into reading books lately, which is really weird. i just feel like i've made some stupid decisions in my life and i don't know...i push people away that i shouldn't...and i get annoyed really easily. i think i just need time to myself and just fix things that i don't like. and it really sucks to think that zach might have given up on me. everyone in my life has given up on me at some point or another and he's just another one to add to the list. i should have shown him that i cared more...because i'd so anything that he wanted me to.
last night i went to this bar called hurricane cove and watched this really amazing guy play. he's really talented and funny and cute too! heh...but i didn't stay the whole time cuz i felt so uncomfortable in there because it was 21 and up and i know i was the youngest person there so it was just really uncomfortable.
its weird...cuz there is all these guys that i could run to...that i guess you could say like me...and normally when i break up with someone i would just find someone else to take the pain away..but this time i just feel like i deserve it and i don't deserve to get over it and move on. or maybe subconsciously i know that me and zach aren't dead and that we will live again and be happy. its really confusing and it hurts a lot, cuz there's nothing i can do right now. i'm too far away and zach's in LA with the boyles and then he's going camping and i hate to bother him while he's having fun,ya kno? But when I get back I'm gonna try my damndest (sp?) to get him back
Well, I should probably go take a shower...and then I'll read some of my book...and then hopefully my dad will be home and I can hang out with him for awhile. I'm really tired of doing the same thing every night...which is nothing. I do nothing every night. Granted there's some good conversation and they have their moments. OH well...my cousins are coming down from San Diego Saturday and then Sunday we're having the big family ordeal...