can't cry cuz its over gotta smile cuz it happened...
So...originally I thought this break up thing would be easy...but it really isn't. I think this is probably the first relationship that I was really, genuinely sad to end. And its no one's fault...it was actions and words from both of us. I talked to him yesterday...just to ask about the officialness of it all, and he said it wasn't forever and that we can talk when I get back and I don't know. All I could do was cry...its weird cuz you really don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore. Yeah...me and his relationship was not going the best way at all...him yelling at me and accusing me of cheating...me being oblivious to how I was acting and both of us cussing and then making up and being totally cool...its like we both put up an act to be okay with each other just so we wouldn't fight, instead of really throwing our feelings out there and being look, this is how it is. Its like I don't know if I'm sad because I really want to be with him....or if like I'm sad because he was there and so it was like a comfort zone. I depended on him so much whether he realized it or not, I really did. And what really kills me as weird as it may sound...is like I don't know if he took my pictures off his wall, ya kno?
And if I think that he did...I wanna cry because that's like official I don't wanna be with you...but if they're still up..then there's still a chance, ya know? And maybe we aren't compatible at all and I'm holding onto nothing like he said. But he's not nothing to me. Maybe we're not compatible but I love him and the amazing guy that he can be when he wants to. And no matter what happens I really want to be his friend...so maybe I'm sad that I think I'm losing a friend, ya know? ITs all so confusing...I really just want to go out with him when I get back and talk about everything cuz I know that he thinks that I think I'm always right, and he needs to know that I don't blame him and I pretty much blame myself. Sometimes I felt like I didn't want to be with him and I let that get to me so everything he said or did I got annoyed, but I was really happy around him...always smiling and laughing. And I don't know if I want him to know all this stuff because I want to be with him or if I just want to clarify everything so we could build a really good, solid friendship and not end on bitter terms.
But part of me just feels like...Zach is having major family problems, all his friends are moving away, and on top of it all he wrecked his car not too long ago and basically lost all of his graduation money because he had to pay for everything....he felt like nothing was going right so he just figured since me and him were going through rough waters...that we were doomed for failure. But every relationship has its up and downs...its never gonna be the same relationship that it was the first two months. People grow and change in relationships...the challenge is to grow and change together through communication and to compromise and meet in the middle on things and I think we didn't do that very well especially since school got out and the whole friends moving away thing and growing up became real. I think since graduation he really lost himself and who he is and wants to be. In school he wanted to be a firefighter...he was dead set on it, but now its like...he doesn't know and I think that made him question everything else in his life...including me. I really jsut want him to be happy and I want him to succeed and find himself and be truly happy. And for awhile I thought I could erase all the pain from his past and replace it with happiness...but no one can do that for someone else. You have to do it for yourself. And same goes for me...I thought Zach could replace all the unhappiness in my heart and completely erase it...but you can't rely on someone else to make you happy...You have to be happy with yourself.
I know I screwed up. And I know I acted completely unaffected and innocent throughout all the crap that happened. I know I did things to piss him off and I wrote it off as nothing. I realize that now and I really hope that he could forgive me. I hope we can forgive each other. Whether we are meant to be or not...I don't know. But I'm hoping we can build up this friendship that started our junior year and work off that and maybe there's another chance for us stored in the future. Because me and him really did have good times...amazing times. We had a connection like no other and we both knew it the first night we kissed in the Ihop parking lot. Well...I'm just gonna go now
And if I think that he did...I wanna cry because that's like official I don't wanna be with you...but if they're still up..then there's still a chance, ya know? And maybe we aren't compatible at all and I'm holding onto nothing like he said. But he's not nothing to me. Maybe we're not compatible but I love him and the amazing guy that he can be when he wants to. And no matter what happens I really want to be his friend...so maybe I'm sad that I think I'm losing a friend, ya know? ITs all so confusing...I really just want to go out with him when I get back and talk about everything cuz I know that he thinks that I think I'm always right, and he needs to know that I don't blame him and I pretty much blame myself. Sometimes I felt like I didn't want to be with him and I let that get to me so everything he said or did I got annoyed, but I was really happy around him...always smiling and laughing. And I don't know if I want him to know all this stuff because I want to be with him or if I just want to clarify everything so we could build a really good, solid friendship and not end on bitter terms.
But part of me just feels like...Zach is having major family problems, all his friends are moving away, and on top of it all he wrecked his car not too long ago and basically lost all of his graduation money because he had to pay for everything....he felt like nothing was going right so he just figured since me and him were going through rough waters...that we were doomed for failure. But every relationship has its up and downs...its never gonna be the same relationship that it was the first two months. People grow and change in relationships...the challenge is to grow and change together through communication and to compromise and meet in the middle on things and I think we didn't do that very well especially since school got out and the whole friends moving away thing and growing up became real. I think since graduation he really lost himself and who he is and wants to be. In school he wanted to be a firefighter...he was dead set on it, but now its like...he doesn't know and I think that made him question everything else in his life...including me. I really jsut want him to be happy and I want him to succeed and find himself and be truly happy. And for awhile I thought I could erase all the pain from his past and replace it with happiness...but no one can do that for someone else. You have to do it for yourself. And same goes for me...I thought Zach could replace all the unhappiness in my heart and completely erase it...but you can't rely on someone else to make you happy...You have to be happy with yourself.
I know I screwed up. And I know I acted completely unaffected and innocent throughout all the crap that happened. I know I did things to piss him off and I wrote it off as nothing. I realize that now and I really hope that he could forgive me. I hope we can forgive each other. Whether we are meant to be or not...I don't know. But I'm hoping we can build up this friendship that started our junior year and work off that and maybe there's another chance for us stored in the future. Because me and him really did have good times...amazing times. We had a connection like no other and we both knew it the first night we kissed in the Ihop parking lot. Well...I'm just gonna go now