Winter Mood.
I think I've been pushing myself too hard. I'm frustrated at how much I need to sleep, and how often (and much) I need to eat. Due to the year-long stress of not having enough cash, and the current 'too busy' situation, my brain decided that a solution was to eat smaller meals, and no snacks. I can't explain the logic, just that maybe it accounts for feeling frantic, sad, lonely, frustrated and restless ALL THE TIME.
Yesterday and today I went out and got stuff I knew I could/would eat. Not a lot, but enough to make sure I've got something in me for the next couple of days. Cereal. Brown rice. Cans of heatable food.
Part of it is that I 'eat dinner at my desk', and get paid for 8 straight hours of work - so dinner gets slotted in when the residence gets quiet, and considering that my body wants to time lunch for EXACTLY the hour of my commute to work, lunch is usually a rushed and small affair. So more snacks. More portable food.
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The rest, I think, is just winter. I feel alone/lonely but when I'm with folks I'm mostly sleeping or too stressed with 'where do I need to be next'. I'm working on it. I'm letting BJ, and our newly adopted little brother, come over when I'm not feeling great. I'm still trying to date K - they're sweet and seem really willing to accommodate on dates and come highly recommended by Theo, my ex-work husband.
But really, I'm just feeling all the fissures and cracks in my heart. The things I never said to my father, never could. All the cold and lonely nights when I forget what a joy it is to curl up safe with myself. All the lonely, sleepless nights before I knew that was an option. The old longing for a partner - which seems so alien now - what would I do if a wonderful creature with deep eyes and long fingers, who smelled and felt just right showed up? How would I bend my life around them?
Maybe I have nothing to say, nothing to feel sad over, really. Maybe I just need to sit quiet, make things and wait.
Yesterday and today I went out and got stuff I knew I could/would eat. Not a lot, but enough to make sure I've got something in me for the next couple of days. Cereal. Brown rice. Cans of heatable food.
Part of it is that I 'eat dinner at my desk', and get paid for 8 straight hours of work - so dinner gets slotted in when the residence gets quiet, and considering that my body wants to time lunch for EXACTLY the hour of my commute to work, lunch is usually a rushed and small affair. So more snacks. More portable food.
**********************************************************
The rest, I think, is just winter. I feel alone/lonely but when I'm with folks I'm mostly sleeping or too stressed with 'where do I need to be next'. I'm working on it. I'm letting BJ, and our newly adopted little brother, come over when I'm not feeling great. I'm still trying to date K - they're sweet and seem really willing to accommodate on dates and come highly recommended by Theo, my ex-work husband.
But really, I'm just feeling all the fissures and cracks in my heart. The things I never said to my father, never could. All the cold and lonely nights when I forget what a joy it is to curl up safe with myself. All the lonely, sleepless nights before I knew that was an option. The old longing for a partner - which seems so alien now - what would I do if a wonderful creature with deep eyes and long fingers, who smelled and felt just right showed up? How would I bend my life around them?
Maybe I have nothing to say, nothing to feel sad over, really. Maybe I just need to sit quiet, make things and wait.