(no subject)
I have a lot I want to say but no courage to do so.
I keep telling people I'm ok, but am I? I try to think I am, but then there are moments like this when I just feel helpless. I feel as if I have absolutely nobody to turn, aside from like two people. I mean I would attempt to call my best friends but they are too busy for me. I guess it could be the slight fact that they have lives and I don't. So I just don't fit into their busy schedules. Then there's my sister. I could so call her. Too bad she doesn't answer, and if she does she doesn't talk. I hate that. I just feel as if I bore her. Like nothing I say is amusing. So this pretty much leaves mom. I miss her. I don't understand it. It's as if my mind can't fathom these feelings. She has given me absolutely no reason to miss her. If anything I should be enjoying this prolonged distance, but I hate it. This living situation just doesn't feel right. It seems so wrong. I'm ready to be numb again. I would much rather be emotionless than to feel like this.
Everything is going wrong. EVERYTHING!
So I'm definitely not looking forward to this whole SAT thing. In fact I'm terrified. It's ridiculous that I waited this long to take it, but such as life. I already know that is impossible for me to make a score high enough to get into my first choice college. And even if I am accepted, I can't pay for it. I have an opportunity to get a full ride, but I don't think that'll happen. There's no way it can. I've filled out the application. Now all I have to do is print it out. I keep holding back. If I submit it, it makes it real. It makes me susceptable to pain. And pain is the only possible outcome.
I've started to apply to other scholarships, but I just don't think I'm qualified for them. There are people more qualified than me. My class rank is lacking. I just barely missed the 6% mark. This pisses me off. Whatever. I feel as if I haven't been involved with enough during high school. The whole "applying for college and scholarships" process makes this obvious. I thought about applying for the Coca-cola scholarship. I don't have enough stuff...it just looks pitiful. There are all these lines and only a few of mine are filled out. It makes me feel inferior. Or maybe slack.
I worked my butt off on both of my cases this month. Court sucked. I just feel like no matter what happens I always manage to screw it up some how. I absolutely love doing it, but no matter how much I prepare I just have to mess something up. I'm not as good as the other people in the class. It shows. I guess it's a total plus that I don't want to be a lawyer. meh. I was head judge on a case. I managed to mess that one up too...no surprise there. This too makes me feel inferior. I hate the class now. It was much better with Mr. Harrison.
I have to be up in less than five hours. GAG! I'm going to bed. I'm not checking for mistakes...if there are any, I'm sorry. kind of.
I keep telling people I'm ok, but am I? I try to think I am, but then there are moments like this when I just feel helpless. I feel as if I have absolutely nobody to turn, aside from like two people. I mean I would attempt to call my best friends but they are too busy for me. I guess it could be the slight fact that they have lives and I don't. So I just don't fit into their busy schedules. Then there's my sister. I could so call her. Too bad she doesn't answer, and if she does she doesn't talk. I hate that. I just feel as if I bore her. Like nothing I say is amusing. So this pretty much leaves mom. I miss her. I don't understand it. It's as if my mind can't fathom these feelings. She has given me absolutely no reason to miss her. If anything I should be enjoying this prolonged distance, but I hate it. This living situation just doesn't feel right. It seems so wrong. I'm ready to be numb again. I would much rather be emotionless than to feel like this.
Everything is going wrong. EVERYTHING!
So I'm definitely not looking forward to this whole SAT thing. In fact I'm terrified. It's ridiculous that I waited this long to take it, but such as life. I already know that is impossible for me to make a score high enough to get into my first choice college. And even if I am accepted, I can't pay for it. I have an opportunity to get a full ride, but I don't think that'll happen. There's no way it can. I've filled out the application. Now all I have to do is print it out. I keep holding back. If I submit it, it makes it real. It makes me susceptable to pain. And pain is the only possible outcome.
I've started to apply to other scholarships, but I just don't think I'm qualified for them. There are people more qualified than me. My class rank is lacking. I just barely missed the 6% mark. This pisses me off. Whatever. I feel as if I haven't been involved with enough during high school. The whole "applying for college and scholarships" process makes this obvious. I thought about applying for the Coca-cola scholarship. I don't have enough stuff...it just looks pitiful. There are all these lines and only a few of mine are filled out. It makes me feel inferior. Or maybe slack.
I worked my butt off on both of my cases this month. Court sucked. I just feel like no matter what happens I always manage to screw it up some how. I absolutely love doing it, but no matter how much I prepare I just have to mess something up. I'm not as good as the other people in the class. It shows. I guess it's a total plus that I don't want to be a lawyer. meh. I was head judge on a case. I managed to mess that one up too...no surprise there. This too makes me feel inferior. I hate the class now. It was much better with Mr. Harrison.
I have to be up in less than five hours. GAG! I'm going to bed. I'm not checking for mistakes...if there are any, I'm sorry. kind of.