Sorry to disappoint you.
How is it that I have two wonderful, patient people like this in my life to give two damns about what goes on with me when no one else seems to bother because to them ..I'm in the 'too hard' basket ? I actually, do not blame them ..I wouldn't want to care about me either. Seeing as though I am clearly a horrible person that keeps messing everything conceivable, up ..and not living up to everyone's expectations, and standards. I'm sorry you find me so morally reprehensible. I'm not a functional member of society, clearly I should be shot in the head.
They look down at me through their noses from way up there on their ridiculously tall ..dizzying high horses. I am sick of being picked apart by other people. I'm trying to keep my intact here, did you forget? ..or did you not know to begin with? I'm sick of being the one who always has to step up and be the bigger person ..be the one who will not lower myself to their level of hated, and ignorance ..and spitefulness. I don't play on peoples insecurities, or their fears. I don't prey on weakness. I am probably the most benevolent, unobtrusive person you could ever come across. I am petrified of stepping on anyone else's toes, but it seems as though everyone is doing this to me, lately. I just want to create a semblance of normalcy so people will leave me alone. That's all. I just want to be left alone, so no one can harass me for something anytime I reluctantly agree to engage with the world around me. So, what is it? What is so, obviously wrong with me? I am a product of my toxic environment, just as you are ..yeah, I'm dysfunctional, but I'm not the only one ..just remember that. You think I don't understand you on a complex level? I do.. cells in the human body mutate when they are subject to an environment that is not normal, not natural. Not healthy. They mutate because they are merely struggling to adapt to these conditions they are forced to be under. It is a state of one's body trying to survive this.
And society is just that ..a malignant tumor growing in it's own state of illness.
I hate that people with mental illnesses are treated as though they are he one's that are flawed ...they are the one's that are not normal, that they are the one's with the problem. Side affect, maybe? But not the whole cause of the problem. I mean what the fuck is a personality disorder?? You exhibit traits outside of the norms of what society deems healthy, and normal and all of a sudden you have a personality disorder. It's overlooking the real problem. I really did not want to come on here and go on a great big anti-society crusade, but it just gets to me. I guess I'm the one with the problem for not being tolerant enough! Silly me. I'm sick of being misunderstood by so many people & being judged for it.
There is always someone to jump on me every time I do something "right" & every time I do something wrong. I forget that I am the only one who isn't perfect on this planet. What is it? not smart enough, not nice enough? not normal enough? not considerate enough? I tolerate more than anyone will ever know, and I still manage to keep a smile on my face around these people, and every single time I turn away I get this painful lump in my throat and I just want to cry, but I can't ..I don't know how to cry anymore. Tears don't well. I only ever breakdown when it all gets too much, and even then that takes a lot. I fear I'm going to slowly, over time turn into a numb, unfeeling human being ..when this is how I started out. I was so cold, and so defensive. So angry. I don't even get angry anymore, I lack the capacity to get truly emotional, or angry. Thank heavens I can still feel those emotions a little bit, but not a whole range of emotion, like most other people appear to have. I can't be spontaneous. I can't say what's on my mind to anyone, unless certain barriers are removed. Even then, how are they going to respond? are they going to interpret it correctly? am I going to explain it perfectly ..explain it well enough to them so as to not confuse them? Sigh.
It took me a lot of work to get to this point, but even still ..I'm not perfect, I am not healthy ..and yeah, not happy either. Which is a no-brainer. I could be *a lot* worse, and I shudder to entertain the thought of what could be like. I'm barely hanging on here ..that's the truth. I'm mentally/emotionally suffering, slowly killing myself in the process, and I don't care because there is no reason to repair myself if I don't have the ability to survive out there. I just don't. Too sensitive, to feeling ..too thin-skinned. Too empathetic when in my healthiest state of mind. Guess that's why I deserve this ..it's obvious. I am defective, and no one wants to, or has the ability to deal with it. Not even me ..especially not me of all people.