The selfishness of punishment

[isidore_excolo]

Tevet 27
Days before the new moon
Day 227
The Abbey
Late afternoonI have watched the confusion grow here, watched men forget their childhoods and women forget their adulthoods, monks forget their Goddess and parishioners forget their families

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[lei_miao_shan]

I do not understand any of this

[al_shairan]

A few hours have passed.

I remember Time; I remember its beginning (θεὸς ἦν ὁ λόγος). I do not know if I remember being in it. I am aware of this body decaying moment by moment. It is an unsettling feeling, although not altogether unpleasant. I think perhaps there is something lovely in it, the inevitability of death

[isidore_excolo]

The woman I was introduced to before, the prostitute, approaches me from the main building as I stand in the yard. "Qǐngwén? Nǐ néng bāngzhù wǒ ma?" I have heard words like those west of the holy land, and I struggle to remember a reply. "Wo bu hui putonghua" I reply, my voice lacking the music in hers.

"nǐ zài zhǎo shénme?" I turn and gasp, his presence making me stagger. Chayot. He smiles and even directed away from me it burns. But they serve El, not Asherah, and so this cannot be for El has abandoned us. "Good morrow, priest," he says, greeting me. "Is your goddess here? If she is, I would be pleased to speak with her."

This is worse almost than Asherah's touch as she brought me apart, and yet there is such divinity to him that I feel blessed.

"Nanshe is the goddess here," I manage. "I do not yet know if she is my goddess. If you would speak with her, I think you would seek her best in dreams."

[lei_miao_shan]

The pale man turns to me and speaks in a halting fashion, just enough words to tell me that he cannot speak my tongue. Ah, what misfortune. But perhaps we can communicate in other ways. I am trying to imagine how I can tell him of my troubles when I sense a presence behind me. A beautiful man, tall and golden and regal, radiating power like heat. But there is such kindness in his eyes that I immediately relax in his presence, and when he smiles at me how can I help but return it? "Nǐ zài zhǎo shénme?" he asks me gently, and ah, but I am so very glad. He speaks to the pale man in English, but I can scarce understand a word.

Whatever they are saying, I instinctively move towards the tall man, "Wǒ mílù le," I say to him, and I am, but truly, my troubles run far deeper than my simple location. I take another step towards him, for I trust this man, though I have only just met him. "Qǐng nǐ," I say softly.

[lei_miao_shan]

They both smile, Isidore grips my hand, and Konrad bows to me, a formal bow and sign of respect, and I think that I am blessed. So many people are wandering alone, frightened and lost, and perhaps I cannot remember but I am very far from alone. I have two kind folk here that I trust, and that are watching out for me, and together I think that the three of us shall prevail.

Little things are coming back to me, scraps and piecemeal, like shreds of dead leaves carried on the wind. Words like "bad", "inside", "come", "it". Little things, perhaps, but everything little bit is a treasure to be held close to my heart. Every little bit is a step closer to remembering.

I am still holding both of their hands, and I squeeze them tightly. Where shall we go now? I shall follow where you lead, my friends.

[isidore_excolo]

"Yes," Konrad answers. "And others besides. And sometimes, when I remember, I am looking at the child who was Konrad from the outside, or else he is not there at all." I wonder if he really is Konrad then, or some shade who got caught up in his life. He nods away from us, to the south.

"It's burnt now, but my house was there."

I shall have to ask, when this is done. I would like to know more about this shade, this boy who speaks very much like a man sometimes.

Miao squeezes our hands, and it reminds me of our responsibility. Konrad and I, unforgetting, should not forget her needs. "Why don't we take you home," I say to her slowly. "You might remember there." Certainly it cannot hurt. I recall she lives at the Follow Me Boy, and surely in a town this size it will not be difficult to find.

[lei_miao_shan]

Konrad turns towards the south and nods, and I can almost understand the words that he speaks. Almost, but not quite. I think...I think that he is trying to tell us where he came from, but I cannot know for certain. How I wish that the words would come faster to me, though I know that I am very lucky to be remembering anything at all.

Isidore looks to me, his expression gentle. And when he speaks, most of the words are nonsense to me, but I am able to pick one from the muddle. Home.

Home? Does he know where my home is? Oh, how very happy I will be if that is so! "Home." I repeat, and smile as another word comes to me, rising from the glassy sea of my mind. "Please. Home."