the pale cold light of dawn

[genny_duvall]

Tuesday morning, July 21
Outside Syl's wagon, on the carnival living lot

We didn't want to leave, none of us. Well, Faith wanted to for a bit, but Hope wasn't goin' away, and even though Faith was gripin' 'bout it for ages, I think she didn't really want to go neither. We was so worried that Tez might show up that I did leave for a few minutes to

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[tezcatl_ipoca]

Try not to see the looks I get as I head across the lot. Back to the truck, find a shirt and clean pants; not going to make things any better if I show up to Syl looking like this. Then to Syl's wagon, and oh shit there's the twins on the steps, and Genny, all folded up together and sleeping or near to it. Looks like there's been a stake-out while I've been gone.

Does that mean she's in there? Has she at least let them look after her?

I square my shoulders and walk up to the steps. All got their eyes asleep, anyway. I nudge Genny with my toe. "Hey." Say it softly. "Let me by?"

[genny_duvall]

Jump awake with a gasp - oh heck, musta fallen asleep again, 'cause I don't even see nothin' comin' till there's someone pokin' me and I jump.

"Hey." Say it softly. "Let me by?"

"No..." Mumble it, still scrunchin' awake...oh, my neck hurts somethin' fierce...open my eyes...

Oh God. It's Tez.

Lookin'...well, just like Tez, not like the thing with starin' eyes and bitin' teeth that I painted. Lookin' like Tez after he had a night with too much drink, and I seen that way too many times to count. Least this time he ain't been in a fight...

Gulp. Sit right where I am. He ain't gettin' to Syl!

"No," I say a little louder. Still ain't all that loud, though. Pick up my head and say straight at him,"You ain't goin' in there."

...still wish Lou was here.

[tezcatl_ipoca]

The girl jumps when I nudge her, says No like I was her mama waking her too early. She blinks up at me all bleary - and then she's sitting up and glaring at me, all fierce and frightened-looking at the same time.

"No. You ain't goin' in there."

I rub my face tiredly; rasp of stubble and a bad taste in my mouth. Remind myself she probably thinks she's helping Syl. And Syl said the dumb kid painted me - this wasn't how I wanted to talk to her. Can't be helped.

"Look, kid, I need to talk to Syl. You girls go and get some sleep, huh? Looks like you had a long night."

[genny_duvall]

"Look, kid, I need to talk to Syl. You girls go and get some sleep, huh? Looks like you had a long night."

"We already had some sleep."

I stand up now. If I stay on the middle step, I'm still taller'n him...

There's somethin' different about his face. I painted it a bunch for his posters so I knew it real well even 'fore I did the other picture of him, and somethin' ain't the same. Brighter eyes, even though I know he was out drinkin' all night. Somethin' different about the lines of his bones under his skin. Somethin' different.

"Syl don't want to talk to you. Go away. Or - or I'll fetch Lou."

[tezcatl_ipoca]

Syl doesn't get a chance to answer - if she was intending to - before Faith's barreling up to me, Hope looking all anxious, and for the second time in the last few days a woman's hand's catching me a resounding crack across the face.

Gentler than Iblis, but she's got a hell of a swing on her. Rock back on my heel, stumble a bit as the pain in my leg flares. Manage not to fall. Holy shit, what's with all the slapping these days?

Not going to hurt Faith. Not going to lay a fucking finger on her. I can feel her handprint swelling red on my cheek, and I tell myself again: not going to touch her. But I could shake her right now, I truly could.

"Faith." Grind it out between my teeth. She is not helping this situation. "Go. Away."

[hopeorfaith]

Oh, Tez gives me a look an' I seen that on a bloke afore. Like he wants t'slap me. Well, then. Square up an' look him straight in the eye.

"Go. Away."

"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole," I says, mimickin' him, an' I folds my arms. "Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."

[genny_duvall]

She gives him such a swat he almost falls down, and I don't want to feel bad for almost pushin' him over myself earlier, but I can see his eyes pinchin when it hurts, see him changing' the way he stands afterwards.

"Go. Away."

And see him gettin' cold mad.

"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole," I says, mimickin' him, an' I folds my arms. "Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."

Faith can face that down. Ain't sure if I can. But I can stand by Faith. Push away a couple little tricklin' tears and step up next to the twins (and so they can hang onto me if they need to 'cause they gotta be hurtin' too...) And now there's three people 'tween him and Syl.

[syl_thorn]

All the same shit from Tez. Always is. Know'e's sorry. Only diff'rence izze says'e'll go iffi wann'im to. Ain't never offered 'at b'fore. Bu'then, ain't never been a fight so bad I might c'nsider it. And ferra minute I sorta am. An'en Faith says, "'Scuse me, luvvie." an' whacks Tez across th'face. Jes' like I taught'er.

Good'un too; knocks Tez back a step. An' Tez...well, 'e ain't 'bout t'hit'er, but'e ain't happy neither. "Faith. Go. Away."

"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole. Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."An'en she'n Hope'r squaring off 'gainst Tez, an' Genny's joinin' 'em, an' bless their idiot li'l hearts. "A'right," I sighs, rubbing tears outta m'eyes wit' m'fingertips. "Enough. Syl's tellin' ya t'push off. Go get some breakfast 'r somet'in'. Reckon we fed th'rumour mill 'nough fer one day. Go on now." Jes' givin' some orders makes m'feel a bit calmer, bit more like m'self. "'ll bring ya some salve later, girls." Hips must be killin' 'em'f they spent th'night on m'

[tezcatl_ipoca]

"Y'keep sayin'at, Tez," I says wit' a sigh, "Y'keep sayin' shit like'at, an'en y'talk like'e's th'best thin'at ever happened t'ya. An' y'say that ev'rythin'e's done t'ya's been yer choice. An' I don't like th'person I see when ya say that. Reall don't. Ain't a nice guy, that fella."

Grind the heel of my hand into my eyes, one after the other. My head's starting to hurt, and there's that little caught-up agitated feeling under my breastbone that I recognise. Verdi's brew must've got too much of the drink out of my system, and my body and brain aren't happy about that.

Know better than to ask Syl for a drink.

"Don't think," I say, all slow as I think it through, "don't think that he's the wrong choice. Not really." Trying to get it untangled in my head, lay it out flat. Things never seem this complicated when he's around

[syl_thorn]

"Don't think, that he's the wrong choice. Not really. Syl, 's not him, not exactly. 'S what I've done to myself, the way I've done it. Thought it'd be so damn easy, see. Thought I'd just go back to myself, back to what it was. Instead 's like I'm stuck halfway. I -

"Back before, I wasn't - wasn't a person. Not really. Became one, a person, after - after everything. Hid in it. Took a long time, Syl, to become what I - who you've known. Never that good at being a man, but I *was* one. Hated the gods I saw, walking round in flesh. More than I was, less than I had been. Just - long-lived bullies with too much time and power on their hands. Didn't want to be that.

"'S where I've ended up, though. And I don't know how to be this thing. Can't go back to what I was, without I - give up this body. Kinda fond of it now, y'know."....how'd we start talkin' 'bout this, 'zactly? Thought'e wuz supposed t'be apologizin'. Innis way 'e's tryin' t'explain, but'e's also workin'is way back up t'nice spell'a self-pity. An'if'e starts'at up 'm

[tezcatl_ipoca]

"Tez, dunno what ya wan' me t'say 'ere. Buttif las' night's'n example of what ya'd be like azza god, kinda' prefer ya th'way y'are."

She's got that look that tells me I'm talking about myself too much, treading on thin ice. Seen that look a lot of times. "Hell, Syl, you known me long enough. Just tell me to shut the fuck up if I'm going on." Normally that would make her smile; not a twitch of it now.

"Fuck, Tez, ye're the only one who could hurt me like'at. Heard worse shit'n 'at from lotsa folk 'n m'time. Wuz hearin' it from you tha' hurt."

...me? Say it out loud: "Me?" Sound like a fucking idiot, I know it. "Syl, I - "

Don't have a single word to say to that. Not a single fucking word. Not often that happens, either.

...the only one?

[syl_thorn]

"Me? Syl, I - "

Well, that shut'im up, if not'in' else. 'Scept now'e's starin' at me like I grew 'nother setta tits. Mothera God. "Yes, you, ya fuckwit. Y'think I'd givva shit 'f jes' anybody said somet'in' like'at t'me? S'hearing it from somebody'at - " Aw hell, still ain't no good't this shit. " - somebody'at matters t'me 'at makes th'diff'rence." Snort, and'm feelin' steady 'nough now t'light uppa smoke. "Y'really fuckin' think I'd'a run off cryin' if Joe Blow from th'next table'd yelled somet'in' like'at 't me. C'mon, Tez. Thought y'knew me better'n 'at." Why's this such a fuckin' surprise t'him?

[tezcatl_ipoca]

"Y'really fuckin' think I'd'a run off cryin' if Joe Blow from th'next table'd yelled somet'in' like'at 't me. C'mon, Tez. Thought y'knew me better'n 'at."

"Well, no, didn't think that, exactly.... Not if just anyone said it. Not like I'm the only person matters to you, though. Look at those girls of yours, sat up to keep me away." Smile at that, annoying as they were. She's lighting up, and that's a good sign.

Find my own cigarettes and fiddle with them for a bit, keeping my eyes on my hands. Finally look up at her: "Syl? You really still think that? That...that's the only reason anyone would want you?"

[syl_thorn]

"Well, no, didn't think that, exactly.... Not if just anyone said it. Not like I'm the only person matters to you, though. Look at those girls of yours, sat up to keep me away."

Yeah, they did. Even Genny stood up t'him. They's good girls, allovem, an'I'll hafta do somet'in' t'show how proud I am ovvem. They's damn good girls. 'm lucky t'havvem.

Tez's startin' t'get tha' jittery look mean's 'e ain't hadda drink 'r a smoke in too long. Ain't gonna share m'shine. Ain't feelin' quite char'table 'nough t'help'im get drunk yet. He takes out'is pack'a cigs'n plays wit'it. Can't runnit ov'r'is knuckles way 'e duzza coin, but turnsit over'is fingers, plucksatit. Got nice hands, Tez does. All long fingers'n grace. "Syl? You really still think that? That...that's the only reason anyone would want you?"Aw, hell. Start t'tell'im t'shut up, 'course not. But I dunno, guess'm too tired t'put on th'tough act. "I dunno, Tez," Sigh, breathin' out smoke. Think back t'm'last lover, fellow dancer. 'mazin' fuckin' sex, didn' have much