the pale cold light of dawn
Tuesday morning, July 21
Outside Syl's wagon, on the carnival living lot
We didn't want to leave, none of us. Well, Faith wanted to for a bit, but Hope wasn't goin' away, and even though Faith was gripin' 'bout it for ages, I think she didn't really want to go neither. We was so worried that Tez might show up that I did leave for a few minutes to ( Read more... )
Outside Syl's wagon, on the carnival living lot
We didn't want to leave, none of us. Well, Faith wanted to for a bit, but Hope wasn't goin' away, and even though Faith was gripin' 'bout it for ages, I think she didn't really want to go neither. We was so worried that Tez might show up that I did leave for a few minutes to ( Read more... )
Gentler than Iblis, but she's got a hell of a swing on her. Rock back on my heel, stumble a bit as the pain in my leg flares. Manage not to fall. Holy shit, what's with all the slapping these days?
Not going to hurt Faith. Not going to lay a fucking finger on her. I can feel her handprint swelling red on my cheek, and I tell myself again: not going to touch her. But I could shake her right now, I truly could.
"Faith." Grind it out between my teeth. She is not helping this situation. "Go. Away."
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"Go. Away."
"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole," I says, mimickin' him, an' I folds my arms. "Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."
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"Go. Away."
And see him gettin' cold mad.
"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole," I says, mimickin' him, an' I folds my arms. "Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."
Faith can face that down. Ain't sure if I can. But I can stand by Faith. Push away a couple little tricklin' tears and step up next to the twins (and so they can hang onto me if they need to 'cause they gotta be hurtin' too...) And now there's three people 'tween him and Syl.
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Good'un too; knocks Tez back a step. An' Tez...well, 'e ain't 'bout t'hit'er, but'e ain't happy neither. "Faith. Go. Away."
"Go. Fuck. Yer. Self. Wi'. A. Bargepole. Syl tells me to push off, I will. You I ain't takin' orders from."An'en she'n Hope'r squaring off 'gainst Tez, an' Genny's joinin' 'em, an' bless their idiot li'l hearts. "A'right," I sighs, rubbing tears outta m'eyes wit' m'fingertips. "Enough. Syl's tellin' ya t'push off. Go get some breakfast 'r somet'in'. Reckon we fed th'rumour mill 'nough fer one day. Go on now." Jes' givin' some orders makes m'feel a bit calmer, bit more like m'self. "'ll bring ya some salve later, girls." Hips must be killin' 'em'f they spent th'night on m' ( ... )
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"Alright, Syl. But he messes you 'round, well... You knows where we is." I tuck my hand under Genny's elbow. "C'mon, dolly, le's leave 'em to it, shall we? Could do w'a brew an' a sit down for a bit."
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Like she's talking to a dog, but I'm not about to protest. Slink past the girls, up the steps. There's Syl in the doorway. Wait for her to step aside.
She's willing to talk to me, at least. Or wants me out of sight before she slaps me too. Either's got to be better than her taking me up on my offer to leave. Don't know where the fuck I'd go.
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"Okay...." I say it slow, and watch to make sure Syl really means it. Her voice don't have that scary chokin' sound no more, and she ain't cryin'. Her face is startin' to uncrumple, all the lines goin' back where they should. "You take care, then, Syl..."
I give Hope's arm a squeeze, and slide my arm further through hers so she and Faith can lean more on me, 'cause I know they've gotta need it, and start walkin' off. "Let's go back to your place, gals. It's bigger'n mine." And that way they won't have to walk any more once we're there.
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'e lets me steppin first. Ain't too much room in m'wagon, an'ere's jus' the one chair by the shelf serves's m'work table. I sit on m'bed. Tez sits on th'chair. He don' look at me. Leas' th'light's good. Leave th'hatch open less's rainin'. Smell ain't s'good, though. Never did rinse out th'bin.
We jus' sit there ferra few minutes. Ain't neither ovvus sure what t'say. Finally I says th'same thin's been runnin' through m'head all night. Say it slow'n quiet, so's every word's clear. "Wouldn't nobody want you, rather 'n your mouth or your cunt."
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Let it sit for a moment, thinking about it. Then: "Kinda hurt, y'know, Syl. You talking like it was just sex. I shouldn't have said that - fuck, I shouldn't ever have said that - but shit, it kinda hurt."
Hadn't planned on admitting that.
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"Kinda hurt you sayin' only reason I was upset 's cuz I was jealous." 's my reply. Ain't angry. Ain't got th'energy t'be angry. Jes' kinda tired layin' out th'obvious. "Anyway, wasn'it you sayin' wuz like ya'd never been in love b'fore?" Like I didn' matter?
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Think about it for a minute. Got to do this right. "Syl.... 'S different from anything I've felt before. Doesn't make it better. I...made a choice, y'know? Before I even knew there was a choice to make. Wrong one, maybe."
Something else I shouldn't have said. Would take her hand, if I thought she'd stand for it. Look at her instead. Think about saying I love you.
Wrong time for that; don't know if there'll ever be a right time. A safe time. Probably not, and I've no idea if she knows or not.
"Can't unmake it. So...yeah, you want me to stay away, I will. Don't want to, but I will."
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"Y'keep sayin'at, Tez," I says wit' a sigh, "Y'keep sayin' shit like'at, an'en y'talk like'e's th'best thin'at ever happened t'ya. An' y'say that ev'rythin'e's done t'ya's been yer choice. An' I don't like th'person I see when ya say that. Reall don't. Ain't a nice guy, that fella." An'at's who y'say yer boyfriend's brought back. Yerself. Don't like'im, Tez. Don' like'im atall.
"Can't unmake it. So...yeah, you want me to stay away, I will. Don't want to, but I will."
I sighs an' I look atim. He's an ass, is Tez. Ain't no good wit' people, half th'time. C'n be charmin', sure, but stick'im wit' anybody for more'n couple'a hours an'e'll fuck it up. 'e drinks too much. 'e makes stupid fuckin' choices. Half the time 'e don't fuckin' think 'fore 'e opens 'is mouth 're 'is pants. How'e managed t'run a fuckin' civilization's beyond me ( ... )
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