"What Will It Take To Get You To Follow Through With A Divorce?"

[essencedespair]

Mom: "What Will It Take To Get You To Follow Through With A Divorce?"
Dad: "Make me an offer"

I'm just afraid at the drastic change of lifestyle. My mom woke me up to tell me this, and said i needed to find a way to pull my own weight. I've been trying mom.

I'm just really afraid with life right now... :(

I need a little angel or something to enter

Comments

[plasmabomb]

You know what? I haven't been in your particular situation, but I've being doing an uphill battle with depression, delusional thinking and general mental disorder for years. I can only partcially relate to your particular situation since I have some major issues with my father, but I can understand how you're feel.

YES, you have depression. YES, it is a "mental" disorder. YES, you need help. Move away from your damn mother, the damn house, and get yourself a god damn psychiatrist. Friends are one of the best things you can have, but friends aren't trained to improve your life. The aim of therapy is to not revert your life to how it used to be before all the shit, but to make you into a better person who can deal with the pain because the old you couldn't. Friends offer support and sympathy and that just isn't enough to fix you.

It's extremely frustrating that I come back to LJ to see that nothing significant seems to have changed in your lifestyle. It's doing nothing for your health. You're not going to get an angel to guide you through life, Matt. That's not how life works. Life is a bitch that requires effort to survive. In order to grow and thrive as a person, you're going to have to figure this out on your own. Hope is a powerful driving force, but it won't fix your problems.

I KNOW it's hard because I've been there. Self-pity can be comforting at times, but it bogs you down. You've got to stop drowning yourself in it. I know that when you're depressed you become lethargic and drained of all energy. But if I and millions of others have survived it, and made our little victories in life along the road to recovery, you can too. You can't think that you have a special case either, because you don't. Hell, I ended up saying that "I'm not anything special" when I was at my worst - but in my head I felt like I was. I know now that it was in part of being delusional and part of having severe depression. That's how it works. It's sick and disgusting. We've all got demons and depression functions side by side with them to make your life even more miserable.

I don't care how hard it is. GET A THERAPIST AND GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS. The only way out of this is to work. Believe me, I know.

I don't expect you to reply to this. In fact, I can cynically expect you to completely ignore it with the notion that I'm ignorant of what you're going through. I realize that it's been a LONG time since you've last updated your LJ, but no matter the details, I can feel that the situation hasn't brightened.

If you're going to take anything away from this, take some strength to move forward. It's out of my power to be a guiding hand. I *can*, however, offer you support. Get yourself out of this rut and move on with your life.

yay for crazie eyes

[essencedespair]

Actually, LJ emails me with information on when comments are left. So i did see this. :)

Being perfectly honest, yeah, things aren't great at this house. There is still fights, those little "battles", and sometimes those fights that ruin an entire day (and for us, longer since mom hold grudges, and WONT forget them).

You said that you can feel these problems still exist, and... not lying, sure, there's still problems. But i had to go back, re read every entry i left in the past... oh god... half a year (not very many)... just to understand how i felt back then. I am NOT the same matthew that i was when the entries were wrote.

I am not happy with where i am in life. Ideally, i would love to be out of this house. But that wont happen for a while. I've spent a year putting out applications, hounding businesses, calling companies, and cannot seem to even find someone who wants to hire me. This town is so large but not enough "little jobs".. so much that adults run fast food places. Thats my main concern now. But it makes me wonder... my friend's girlfriend works at a taco bell, she said they were short on people, THEN 3 people up and left, leaving them in a bind. Thinking this is a perfect oppurtunity, i visit the place with an application ready in my hand, give it to the manager, and he looks it over and says thank you. I ask about the survey they require you to take and he says "well, uhh, uhh, its not nesessary at this time... we.. we will call you and let you know."

Later, after being pissed that i got turned down.. my friend talked to his girlfriend. She said that they still need the employees, but... she heard from the manager that... as i was told from my friend (trying to say it in a nice way without hurting my feelings).. "he kinda.. discriminated you."

Which makes me wonder how many other places could have turned me down because of my physical condition. Its fast food, not construction. >.>

But anyways.. Mentally.. i am a lot better than where i was half a year ago. I have my friends, i spend time studying, enjoying time with my girlfriend.. i guess the only things in my life that are a bother to me are 1. The small fights that still happen 2. No Job 3. What do i want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm not happy with where i am in life currently (i dont mean like very upset, depressed.. or that sort.).. but i am happy with who i am. I've definately changed alot since this last entry. Now i can't say im 100% fixed, because im not. Periodically, i have days where nothing could go wrong, and i feel flat out depressed and sad with the world. But, as of now, the days of "i cant stand my life... everything goes wrong with me, i cant take it anymore" are gone.

And i can assure you of this. :)

(part 2)

[essencedespair]

oh, and no offense here, but this family has been to 1 counciler, and my brother had a therapist. The counciler was of no help [i think he used his counciling job to talk about his problems more than of ours]... and the therapist never listened to what my brother had to say, only believed the things my mom had to say. It was always my mom's side of the story that the doctor believed, and it really bothered me to know that he was treated as if he had no actual feelings in the matter. His opinion wasnt taken into account... and to me, ugh.. i just cant deal with someone saying to me "Your mother did nothing wrong... it is all you. You need to change. you need to be on medications.. you need to.." no.. i cant do that. i cant have someone tell me its all me. And no, i am not saying im pefect, i know my faults, i know my weaknesses, but i also have a mind. I study situations, i enjoy watching people, learning about their personalities, and watching events unfold. I know my mom is the one who brings all the problems to the family. This is coming from a woman who says "its not me who needs to change, its every one of you [refering to my dad, brother, and myself.]. How ignorant is that? No... a therapist isnt what i need.. i can deal with my own demons on my own.

And no, i dont toss aside what you have to say, nor do i feel you are ignorant in anyway, or anything inferior about this. From the few times i have talked with you, i always admired you. Heck, i even told Katie that i liked you because you always.. i dunno, caught my liking somehow.

I do appreciate your concern. Its very nice to know that no matter how long ago this was, you still cared enough to talk to me about it.

Perhaps we can talk again soon, because its been a while.
OH! and im writing a story, and would LOOOOOVE to have you make me a character... *begs* Pretty please? :D

Thank you!
Matthew

Re: (part 2)

[plasmabomb]

Aw, Matt! That is the BEST thing I've heard all week! You have no idea how happy I am for you! Wheee! *hugs*

You should totally get a new LJ, with happy unicorns that crap rainbows and butterflies that puke love to celebrate the change.

Concerning the therapist thing, it's okay. There are tons of awesome psychiatrists/psychologists out there that live to help others. It seems fate dealed you a bad card that time. I'm sorry he gave you guys such a terrible time.

Ehh. Rereading my comment, I came off kind of harsh. I apologize. I was having a crummy day and then I saw the entry and. Paff. Brain asplode.

I'd love to talk! I've been out of touch with a lot of my LJ peeps for a while now. Summer and school sort of made my internet life die for a while.

I would totally love to hear about that story. :)

Hugs 'n stuff
Kitty

Re: (part 2)

[essencedespair]

Eh, i dont think i have any plans on getting a new LJ, nor do i think ill keep updating this one. I dunno, it just doesnt seem all that thrilling anymore. Plus, i fear ill find some way to complain about life. Truely, i think the best thing that happened to me was getting rid of this. Relying on this to vent was just keeping me in the mindset of bad things.

I felt the entry you gave was harsh, but it sort of didnt bother me. I figured to myself "i needed to hear that when i was at that point in life". but, because life is better than 6 months ago, i took no offense to it. You had a crummy day? :( sorry to hear that.. as you said to me, i can offer you support if you'd like. ^^

I'll try to get on AIM more, and hope to see you. If not, i do use MSN (its really the only messenger i use), so if you use that, Darkfantasy87@hotmail.com is my name. Or.. we could chat through here or email, whichever. ^^

Good to hear from you once again, and i'll let you know about my story. If you'd like to sneak a character in, im sure i can fit it in. (i had my friends make me characters. katie made one. ^^)

Take care! ^^
Matthew

Re: (part 2)

[plasmabomb]

Hah! I was only joking about the LJ thing, crazyface.

I'll see if I can't get myself onto AIM more often.

<3