All Appologies
Today feels like one of those days you wish you never had. One that before happens, you know it will suck. I knew this day would suck, I just didn’t realize how badly it would.
To make a long story as short as it can, I had… 7 different people want me to hang out. And I let down 7 different people. Now I’m all alone in my room, writing this stupid thing sitting and crying about life.
More than anything, I want to get out, I want to be around my friends, I want to have a life like theirs. They all have jobs, go out on weekends, have parties, have fun, succeed in life… but it seems like I lack all that. What makes everyone else so different from me? Why can’t I have the same fun?
I assume there’s something wrong with me… mentally. I just get afraid of being hurt. I know from past experiences that my mom has this, thing… where she never wants me to be out of the house at night. She use to say “I can’t trust that you will be back in time for morning chores.” And now she says “I can’t trust where you are going.” In addition, I have lost insurance on my car, so she gets angry whenever I drive it, which is hardly. Friday, I wanted to have Jason come over, which was okay, but when she found out I was getting and taking him home, she got mad and had “a talk” with me. She said its too dangerous to drive on the road without any insurance. Jason lives half a mile from my house, and it was at night. Hardly anyone would be on the road anyways. If I ever speak of driving or going somewhere, its “I don’t want you to go, you don’t have insurance on your car. You can’t just be making ‘joy rides’ wherever you please to.”
So because of that, I told most of my friends that I’m sorry, I’d like to go but I can’t. I guess I just get afraid to ask her, because all our conversations are seem to be hateful, nasty, or end up in a fight. I don’t tell her my life anymore because she never seems to pay full or half attention, and she always has to bring me down, make me less of a human… patronize me… whatever.
I just feel really awful now, I had people I never talked to in a long time or have seen in forever message me wanting to spend time with them. And plans went down the drain. I just really hurt inside, I haven’t been ‘out’ in months, I deserve a chance to get away from reality and enjoy life with people who care about me, not locked up in this room sitting at a computer. I want to be happy like my friends, I just have a brick wall in my life that won’t budge. It only brings me even further down…
I knew this morning that today would suck, I just didn’t realize how badly it would…