I've come back, crawling on all four...
i never really wanted to update, truely i would just rather not, and just dissapear off of here. -_-
The campground, is just... not fun. i slept on the couch. well... i tried. the couch is so, not comfortable... i truely couldnt fall asleep. So today i'm running on no to horrible sleep. ugh..
My future seems bleak for me. Years ago, there was many times in which i could see my future... see where i was going to be, what i was going to do, just... my future. I don't see that anymore. it stopped at my 18th birthday. i dont know if i just... lost that touch, or if i just, truely dont see anymore cause there will be no more to see.
Just lately, it seems im struggling more and more, days that should keep a smile on me are just spurts of pleasure, and a new day pulls me back down into the dark realm... where i'm once again brought to my knees with unhappiness.
i probably have gotten to the point where someone would tell me to take medication... but i am stubborn. i'm just totally against any form of pill that will change my mood. to me, thats like changing a personality. there has to be other ways to deal with this.
Its this family, this house, this lifestyle. i never got this bad being at my friend's house. *sigh* i should have never left. regardless if there was some disputes, they were still my friends. they did care for me. even so, i still woke up with a smile. i still laughed around them. i felt pleasant... happy. i smiled.... now, my face is painted with a permanent frown. i may smile once. if that.
i always said there was something about on this land that this house and my family live on. just... the presence of being in, or around it... just eats at my soul... and my heart.
problems with my mom haven't changed. if at all i ever challenge her, whether its saying "thats not right", or to the point that she belives something and i believe something else, she becomes angered. how DARE i go against her....
i dont know anymore... i dont feel i do anymore good talking to my friends. i lost my touch. i can't help them with their problems cause i'm now so far in mine.
*sigh* im being yelled at... i gotta go. :(
Matthew