(no subject)
I have had nightmares since I was about 3 of dozens of dead tortured horses, so when I saw this on one of Lompoc walks I got chills and since I have had insomnia, I have fought twice with Billy trying to express how I feel, I have seen dead white owls in the woods and dead skunks and racoons and a few dogs in the road and this dead horse with the reins still on. I have been down and up and down again, either laughing and a little drunk and unable to sleep and conspiring with my coworkers against our horrible new boss. I have been to more weddings than I want feeling this torn and have felt babies swimming in my sister's stomach, I thought how every wedding Billy and I have seen together they have not lasted. The groom in the first wedding we went to is now the father of those twin boys. I want to throw up when I think about my late credit card payments and insurance payments and electric bill payments, I have fallen behind in Portraiture even though I seem to be one of the best in the class, I have flown in a seaplane and nearly thought about skydiving, like in dreams I had leading up to that weekend. I am being pulled in too many directions, I want my dreadlocks back, a lady came into Starbucks and might rescue me, but I will have to give up my hair, school for awhile, possibly weddings, I'm not sure how to handle such opportunities. I have been exhausted, paniced, craving time away, even though we had gone away two weekends in a row, it was full of socialness and supporting other people. I had giving up money and school to do it and now I'm in trouble. Last night I finally got a real night of sleep and without nightmares even, I was able to run this morning with Molly. Maybe because I was able to smell the ocean again and see the sunset over the bay last night. However there was a decapitated pelican. There is not a place in the world for people like me. I had a dream there was a cancer in my neck and my mom passed out when I told her and Billy was very upset. I had a dream I watched a man eat alive crunching their beaks and all, beautiful neonn blue and pink parrots and I was forced to watch. I turned down an extra wedding tonight because he told me about it two days ago and I'm closing at Starbucks but I have a wedding tomorrow. Lets see if I can get all this laundry down before work
Alcatraz from the seaplane
