The park bench rant.
So I'm lame and should be shot. Ohwell I guess.
I was taking a supposed 'break' from Michael like I said, and last night I was thinking if I should go ahead and wait for him to talk to me before we start talking again, or continue with my orignal plan and talk to him monday (today). So I woke up & checked my phone, he had texted me already. He was like "I can understand if you're upset with me but this silent treatment sucks.. a lot" so I was like ha I guess I need not to wait any longer. So we texted back and forth for a while.. then I said we should talk tonight & he said that's cool. I got to think about talking to him.. which made me think of the whole situation and I kind of got in this weird mood. But I went ahead and called him anyways at 7 like I promised. Pretty much the entire time I was silent.. I was kinda watching TV and mostly thinking about he & Lindsey & this whole speech I had planned to tell him. He was all like "I think you're still mad at me" and I'm like "blah that's dumb i can't be mad at you for this" and he's like "Well then, upset." & I couldn't disagree with that one. I am definitely still upset. Hearing his voice just makes me think of the situation. I guess I haven't had to think about that a whole lot since he told me, except for when I was on the phone with him. So I told him why I was being so gay.. and told him how i had this huge planned out speech to tell him but it turns out it's all stupid and irrelevent and what ever. I basicly just told him how I think it's time for me to stop thinking there's some possibility that we could be together some day. Because that's what causes all these problems.. that's what makes me so jealous & not such a great friend. It's okay if I love him forever, which I gaurentee I will. But it's not okay for me to hold on to wanting him, forever. He didn't say much, as usual. He doesn't know what to say in situations like that. So that was pretty stupid, I felt like an idiot confessing all of this shit and he's just silent. He gets quiet because all he can think is that it's his fault some how.. and how he hates for me to be upset. I know he does, and it's just all wrong. None of this is his fault. -sighs- I wish this was easier.. I wish I didn't love every single thing to do with him. When it comes down to it he just makes me happy, even if we can't be together. Because I know he feels the same way about me.. everything he does proves that, you know. The sweetest thing is how I adore saying I love him and meaning is so much. I think everyone in their life time says I love you at least one time and means it with every fiber in their being.. and this is one of the times. It's the first and could be the last, so maybe that's why it's just so hard to let go of my dream.
But some things just have to be done.
I was taking a supposed 'break' from Michael like I said, and last night I was thinking if I should go ahead and wait for him to talk to me before we start talking again, or continue with my orignal plan and talk to him monday (today). So I woke up & checked my phone, he had texted me already. He was like "I can understand if you're upset with me but this silent treatment sucks.. a lot" so I was like ha I guess I need not to wait any longer. So we texted back and forth for a while.. then I said we should talk tonight & he said that's cool. I got to think about talking to him.. which made me think of the whole situation and I kind of got in this weird mood. But I went ahead and called him anyways at 7 like I promised. Pretty much the entire time I was silent.. I was kinda watching TV and mostly thinking about he & Lindsey & this whole speech I had planned to tell him. He was all like "I think you're still mad at me" and I'm like "blah that's dumb i can't be mad at you for this" and he's like "Well then, upset." & I couldn't disagree with that one. I am definitely still upset. Hearing his voice just makes me think of the situation. I guess I haven't had to think about that a whole lot since he told me, except for when I was on the phone with him. So I told him why I was being so gay.. and told him how i had this huge planned out speech to tell him but it turns out it's all stupid and irrelevent and what ever. I basicly just told him how I think it's time for me to stop thinking there's some possibility that we could be together some day. Because that's what causes all these problems.. that's what makes me so jealous & not such a great friend. It's okay if I love him forever, which I gaurentee I will. But it's not okay for me to hold on to wanting him, forever. He didn't say much, as usual. He doesn't know what to say in situations like that. So that was pretty stupid, I felt like an idiot confessing all of this shit and he's just silent. He gets quiet because all he can think is that it's his fault some how.. and how he hates for me to be upset. I know he does, and it's just all wrong. None of this is his fault. -sighs- I wish this was easier.. I wish I didn't love every single thing to do with him. When it comes down to it he just makes me happy, even if we can't be together. Because I know he feels the same way about me.. everything he does proves that, you know. The sweetest thing is how I adore saying I love him and meaning is so much. I think everyone in their life time says I love you at least one time and means it with every fiber in their being.. and this is one of the times. It's the first and could be the last, so maybe that's why it's just so hard to let go of my dream.
But some things just have to be done.