Getting Old [OS]
Titre: Getting Old.
Auteur: Erwilde
Rating: G
Genre: Drama / Angst (I guess) / Character Death
Group: Alice Nine.
Pairing: Tora/Saga
Comment: Ok so this time I'm really sorry I didn't even intend on writing it, really. I was just listening to this song and my mood went from 'omfg i'm so happy' to 'ok let's write some awful angst'. And god knows how I hate reading character death fics while I just can't prevent my hands from writing them <.< Oh and I didn't even reread it, I was feeling too guilty for it.
Summary: Tora had always been a lone wolf, distancing himself from people and enjoying quiet spaces. The thing was, being alone never bothered him. Being lonely did.
Getting Old
Tora had always been a lone wolf, distancing himself from people and enjoying quiet spaces. The thing was, being alone never bothered him. Being lonely did. And most of the time, people tended to think that one went automatically with the other ; therefore nobody never tried to bond with him, ever. Oh he knew he was awkward and had somehow no social skills, without forgetting his intimidating features, so he couldn't really resent them for not attempting anything. He quickly understood that he would spend his life alone, and might as well get used to it already. That thought would often pop in his mind, making his brows crease his forehead, before forgetting it as quickly as it came, resuming his reading or whatever he was doing at the moment. But always something that he could do in silence. The only exception was maybe when he had his guitar in hands, allowing the music he was creating enter his personal bubble and ring in his ears without finding it unpleasant. Don't get him wrong, he liked music ; he just couldn't stand useless noise that didn't mean anything.
Sometimes he would wander to new places, glasses on his nose, and sit wherever was to his liking - let it be a small café or a park - when that feeling of loneliness was too heavy to bear, looking for a crowd that could surround him and make him forget. It never really worked though. Even when among young children and laughs, sitting on a bench, he still felt as if he were still in his apartment, alone, and like the last person in the world. But he was used to it. And other times he wondered how it would feel to have someone close, someone that could completely crash his habits and create new ones. Ones that would include someone else in his life. At that, Tora would close his eyes and try to imagine it, how nice it would feel, before shaking himself out of his virtual world and act as if it never happened. After all, he couldn't miss something he never had, right?
And then, he met Saga.
Tora never really fathomed out how things ended up like this, really - he just knew that one minute he was sitting in a café, book in hands, engrossed in the story, and the next there was this hyperactive man talking to him so fast he couldn't even get half of the words spoken to him. He remembers he had blinked several time before understanding what was happening, and taking in the stranger's feature, engraving them on his memory for what he didn't know at the time would be the rest of his life. Apparently, Saga, as he had learnt, often came here and saw him, sitting by himself for hours, before leaving without a word, a bit like a ghost. Well, they were his words. It happened just like that, and before Tora could even think about it, a new habit was created, slowly becoming two, and then three, the change so progressive that he didn't even notice it until the day he realized something. He was laughing at one of Saga's antics back then, making his smile slowly fade away and look up to meet what he guessed was now his only friend's eyes. He wasn't feeling lonely. Finally, maybe he got it wrong since the beginning. Maybe he wouldn't spend his life alone, if he had Saga with him.
One day, Tora decided to tell him everything. How he had imagined his life. How he had spent his days. All the thoughts that had crossed his mind. The way he never felt right, with this constant weight in his chest, whatever he was doing, wherever he was. And how it all disappeared when he was with the brunette. He remembers saying that last part with a smile on his lips that didn't match the tears in his eyes, but Saga understood that it was not sadness he was feeling. Saga always understood everything. However that same day, Saga left him with an expression that Tora had never seen on his face, and it worried him. A whole week passed before he met with Saga again, asking him what was wrong, if he could do something. At that, Saga merely responded that they should stop seeing each other, that it was not going to end well, but Tora could see those words were painful to say, and therefore tried to get an explanation. He felt panic seize him when the brunette just began to walk away, his eyes begging for him not to follow, but Tora couldn't care less at the moment. He knew he looked desperate - and he was desperate - yet he just couldn't let Saga abandon him like that. He was the one who changed his habits, the someone he had secretly dreamed about when he still had this empty and paradoxically heavy hole in his chest. He wanted to know why, so suddenly, he was not allowed to have him anymore.
“I will hurt you if I stay. And I love you too much for letting that happen.”
Love was a word that Tora often encountered in his books, and even if the sound of it was somewhat foreign to him, he knew what it meant, and it scared him. It was often related with happiness and glee, but other times there was sadness and even pain, and Tora never totally understood how one word could convey so many contradictory feelings all at once. Maybe that was why he was so desperate as Saga was trying to give up on him. Maybe this was the painful side of the word, but Tora didn't want to experience it - so he did the only thing he could think about: grabbed Saga and admitted that it would hurt even more if he went away. He admitted that if he didn't get the meaning of the word wrong, he loved him too. He hoped that it would be enough to make him stay, and asked if Saga could teach him how to love him the proper way. Unfortunately, those words only made Saga cry even harder, his fingers clinging to Tora's shirt as he was trying to hide his sobs into the other's chest. The taller man kept his arms around him, caressing his hair, and humming a song he couldn't remember the title of, until the brunette's tears finally came to a stop. His hoarse and tiny voice rose up once again.
“I'm dying, you know?”
Tora knew he had said that to make him leave, but Tora didn't move, his arms holding the other even tighter. He knew Saga was right, that it would hurt even more if he kept the man close to him, but the strings of 'sorry's leaving Saga's mouth as he began to cry once again made Tora even more determined to keep Saga by his side. In a way, it was selfish.
And when Saga passed away, fifteen years later, he felt it from the bottom of his being. He felt the loneliness, the weight come back and claim its place in his chest once again. Saga had told him that his illness would take over him one day, and away from Tora, but the latter couldn't find any regret to have, even when that feeling of emptiness was slowly driving him crazy. He had been right when he had said that you couldn't miss something you never had, but the thing was, he had had Saga. And now he couldn't never get used to that loneliness, ever again. He would keep his former habits from when he was still on his own, reading, trying to find peace surrounded by people, but it would just make that hole grow even deeper inside of him. He had never been as lonely as he was now - and he would stay that way. He would finally spend the rest of his life alone after all, the only person he had wished to stay with now gone, leaving him here, with painfully happy memories. But he never regretted. Even when he grew older and older, he still had this memory of the first words the brunette had spoken to him, making him smile each time he thought about it.
“You seem weird, I think I'm going to like you.”
Auteur: Erwilde
Rating: G
Genre: Drama / Angst (I guess) / Character Death
Group: Alice Nine.
Pairing: Tora/Saga
Comment: Ok so this time I'm really sorry I didn't even intend on writing it, really. I was just listening to this song and my mood went from 'omfg i'm so happy' to 'ok let's write some awful angst'. And god knows how I hate reading character death fics while I just can't prevent my hands from writing them <.< Oh and I didn't even reread it, I was feeling too guilty for it.
Summary: Tora had always been a lone wolf, distancing himself from people and enjoying quiet spaces. The thing was, being alone never bothered him. Being lonely did.
Getting Old
Tora had always been a lone wolf, distancing himself from people and enjoying quiet spaces. The thing was, being alone never bothered him. Being lonely did. And most of the time, people tended to think that one went automatically with the other ; therefore nobody never tried to bond with him, ever. Oh he knew he was awkward and had somehow no social skills, without forgetting his intimidating features, so he couldn't really resent them for not attempting anything. He quickly understood that he would spend his life alone, and might as well get used to it already. That thought would often pop in his mind, making his brows crease his forehead, before forgetting it as quickly as it came, resuming his reading or whatever he was doing at the moment. But always something that he could do in silence. The only exception was maybe when he had his guitar in hands, allowing the music he was creating enter his personal bubble and ring in his ears without finding it unpleasant. Don't get him wrong, he liked music ; he just couldn't stand useless noise that didn't mean anything.
Sometimes he would wander to new places, glasses on his nose, and sit wherever was to his liking - let it be a small café or a park - when that feeling of loneliness was too heavy to bear, looking for a crowd that could surround him and make him forget. It never really worked though. Even when among young children and laughs, sitting on a bench, he still felt as if he were still in his apartment, alone, and like the last person in the world. But he was used to it. And other times he wondered how it would feel to have someone close, someone that could completely crash his habits and create new ones. Ones that would include someone else in his life. At that, Tora would close his eyes and try to imagine it, how nice it would feel, before shaking himself out of his virtual world and act as if it never happened. After all, he couldn't miss something he never had, right?
And then, he met Saga.
Tora never really fathomed out how things ended up like this, really - he just knew that one minute he was sitting in a café, book in hands, engrossed in the story, and the next there was this hyperactive man talking to him so fast he couldn't even get half of the words spoken to him. He remembers he had blinked several time before understanding what was happening, and taking in the stranger's feature, engraving them on his memory for what he didn't know at the time would be the rest of his life. Apparently, Saga, as he had learnt, often came here and saw him, sitting by himself for hours, before leaving without a word, a bit like a ghost. Well, they were his words. It happened just like that, and before Tora could even think about it, a new habit was created, slowly becoming two, and then three, the change so progressive that he didn't even notice it until the day he realized something. He was laughing at one of Saga's antics back then, making his smile slowly fade away and look up to meet what he guessed was now his only friend's eyes. He wasn't feeling lonely. Finally, maybe he got it wrong since the beginning. Maybe he wouldn't spend his life alone, if he had Saga with him.
One day, Tora decided to tell him everything. How he had imagined his life. How he had spent his days. All the thoughts that had crossed his mind. The way he never felt right, with this constant weight in his chest, whatever he was doing, wherever he was. And how it all disappeared when he was with the brunette. He remembers saying that last part with a smile on his lips that didn't match the tears in his eyes, but Saga understood that it was not sadness he was feeling. Saga always understood everything. However that same day, Saga left him with an expression that Tora had never seen on his face, and it worried him. A whole week passed before he met with Saga again, asking him what was wrong, if he could do something. At that, Saga merely responded that they should stop seeing each other, that it was not going to end well, but Tora could see those words were painful to say, and therefore tried to get an explanation. He felt panic seize him when the brunette just began to walk away, his eyes begging for him not to follow, but Tora couldn't care less at the moment. He knew he looked desperate - and he was desperate - yet he just couldn't let Saga abandon him like that. He was the one who changed his habits, the someone he had secretly dreamed about when he still had this empty and paradoxically heavy hole in his chest. He wanted to know why, so suddenly, he was not allowed to have him anymore.
“I will hurt you if I stay. And I love you too much for letting that happen.”
Love was a word that Tora often encountered in his books, and even if the sound of it was somewhat foreign to him, he knew what it meant, and it scared him. It was often related with happiness and glee, but other times there was sadness and even pain, and Tora never totally understood how one word could convey so many contradictory feelings all at once. Maybe that was why he was so desperate as Saga was trying to give up on him. Maybe this was the painful side of the word, but Tora didn't want to experience it - so he did the only thing he could think about: grabbed Saga and admitted that it would hurt even more if he went away. He admitted that if he didn't get the meaning of the word wrong, he loved him too. He hoped that it would be enough to make him stay, and asked if Saga could teach him how to love him the proper way. Unfortunately, those words only made Saga cry even harder, his fingers clinging to Tora's shirt as he was trying to hide his sobs into the other's chest. The taller man kept his arms around him, caressing his hair, and humming a song he couldn't remember the title of, until the brunette's tears finally came to a stop. His hoarse and tiny voice rose up once again.
“I'm dying, you know?”
Tora knew he had said that to make him leave, but Tora didn't move, his arms holding the other even tighter. He knew Saga was right, that it would hurt even more if he kept the man close to him, but the strings of 'sorry's leaving Saga's mouth as he began to cry once again made Tora even more determined to keep Saga by his side. In a way, it was selfish.
And when Saga passed away, fifteen years later, he felt it from the bottom of his being. He felt the loneliness, the weight come back and claim its place in his chest once again. Saga had told him that his illness would take over him one day, and away from Tora, but the latter couldn't find any regret to have, even when that feeling of emptiness was slowly driving him crazy. He had been right when he had said that you couldn't miss something you never had, but the thing was, he had had Saga. And now he couldn't never get used to that loneliness, ever again. He would keep his former habits from when he was still on his own, reading, trying to find peace surrounded by people, but it would just make that hole grow even deeper inside of him. He had never been as lonely as he was now - and he would stay that way. He would finally spend the rest of his life alone after all, the only person he had wished to stay with now gone, leaving him here, with painfully happy memories. But he never regretted. Even when he grew older and older, he still had this memory of the first words the brunette had spoken to him, making him smile each time he thought about it.
“You seem weird, I think I'm going to like you.”