work first, but you can skip to more "interesting" stuff afterwards?
Unfortunately it's a long time (roughly two months) since I've last posted. It's kind of sad, but work's been pretty busy.
Talking about work, let me write way too much about being stressed and "impostor syndrome".
Work
So I would say, in most rational points of view, I've been doing pretty well recently. After the last major reorg, I moved from a specialty/inhaled products group to the larger analytical group. In there, my role took on more digital initiatives and I supported my first pill project. So it's been interesting learning new things and the programs move much faster due to the development cycle. Also, the groups that work on the projects are smaller, so there's more opportunity to engage in the larger development teams (not just the analytical part) and less just testing all the time. Overall, I'd say it's been good since it's nice to have more direct engagement of the project.
Then last year, my scientific supervisor became my director (a director has say 10 people reporting to them and there are scientific supervisors which have mini-groups within a director, but those groups are less defined than the director's group). Since I was supporting her project, she originally asked if I wanted to just take it over from her. I originally said "no" (was not comfortable since I only started it recently and said maybe after another year of supporting), but she eventually was like "I decided to have you act as the analytical lead since you know the program well enough". And I would say that my boss is pretty good at forcing me to do things that I don't necessarily want which provides good opportunities at times. (A product team has an overall lead and then sub-leads that focus on specific aspects or areas, mine is analytical.) So basically since then, I've been the only analytical person working on my program. I should probably ask more questions, but I think it's a hard balance between taking ownership and being free to ask questions. I probably lean much more on the afraid to ask side, but "ownership" of projects is something that was positively stated about how I work.
In addition to what they call "pipeline projects", my role has a built in ~50% digital focus. So during that reorg, there was a little group built that had a focus of building up my department's digital capabilities (bringing in new technology, applying different tools to our work, incorporating analytics and structured data, "lab of the future", etc). So that's also been pretty good since I've dabbled in that type of work, but it's good to have dedicated time and resources to work on it.
So in both aspects, I've learned a bunch and had some good achievements. I'd honestly say I enjoy it more too. And it obviously paid off since after a year as an analytical lead plus some good digital milestones, I was finally promoted (which sounds small, but it was a big jump due to the boxes that different levels fit into).
So where's the "but"? (lol) But I'd say with the increased responsibility and basically running several things on my own (I also think I'm not a good leader), I've been hit hardcore with impostor syndrome! Like I'd say my old role was much less challenging, a bit frustrating at times, but it was much more work that I was familiar with, good at, and did well. Now, it's lots of new things and I feel confused and stressed most of the time, if I'm being honest.
It's funny, my company had a seminar about impostor syndrome, and there were people (from the company) who talk about their experience and such (lots of people from different levels and some very high). There were several themes and I thought it was good. I remember one person talked about how every positive comment she saw as just her being good at deception or her boss just being too nice, and how she constantly felt at some point, she'd be exposed someday when people realized what she really was. I remember thinking that she was probably just exaggerating and being funny/dramatic. But thinking about it, I often talk about how I feel that my work is like a house of cards and it'll eventually come crashing down. And I totally think that my bosses are too nice (although this was confirmed by others)! I even had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it was (objectively) very good. But I feel like the one semi-critical comment (which was even prefaced as "not a criticism, but experience is needed") makes me constantly think that everyone else thinks I have no idea what I'm doing! (Moving to the "pill" side, I feel like lots of my previous experience isn't as applicable and I feel like I'm in the same boat as a new hire.) I even let Angie read my evaluation and she (like a rational person) thought it was very positive.
They call it the "growth" mindset at work where you learn new things and challenge yourself. I guess that's it? Oh, I also don't feel like I'm as knowledgeable as others who have their role focused on digitalization (like a targeted hire who is a PhD with focus in both chemistry and computer science, or even people with coding knowledge; also very few people are only bachelors, even contractors seem to all have advanced degrees).
Anyway, I feel like some weeks (this week and next week) really feel like the house of cards are ready to fall. I guess I survive, but it's been stressful. But I'll stop now and add other topics to make this a more interesting post.
Last week (or the previous), we watched Uncharted (movie), which I actually enjoyed. Tom Holland's young Nathan Drake is pretty much Spider-man, but overall, he was good and worked well with Mark Wahlberg. I oddly do enjoy Mark Wahlberg in many of his roles for some reason. It was entertaining, although I guess the story is probably better in the games. Plus I like Elena, but I guess she really shouldn't be in the story yet. I thought Zoey was okay, possibly better than her video game counterpart, although I still have to play Lost Legacy.
This weekend, we'll watch The Batman, which I'm cautious and curious about. I didn't necessarily think the Planet of the Apes movie that this director did was particular good, and nothing really seems that new or different about this movie. So I'm worried that it'll just be an excessively long (3 hrs) rehash of what we already know. But maybe having lowered expectations will lead me to being pleasantly surprised.
I also watched The Book of Boba Fett which wasn't good. It's pretty much just content for content's sake. And why is it Boba Fett? I feel like it's the same mistake where you take someone who's somewhat popular for their mystery or lack of de
tail, and then you try to milk them for content and it just makes them stupid. Plus he pulls a Loki and becomes a hero where he was paid killer previously. And the show even gives up at some point where they just put two episodes of the Mandalorian because why not? So I wouldn't say I regret watching it, but it wasn't good.
On the gaming front, I've been playing Age of Empires IV. "When I was a kid", I enjoyed AoE I and II, probably II more. I never played III for some reason, so I was pretty excited to hear that they made an AoE IV. I've mainly been playing the campaign (finally finished the Norman one) and I really like the presentation where they incorporate history. It's like very documentary intros to the battles and locations. I started the French campaign, but I think I'll skip over to the Mongols or Rus since I'm tired of castles and sieges.
I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not really that it feels the US is again jumping the gun with removing all COVID restrictions. It's like as soon as there's any signs of things getting better, people want to pretend COVID isn't even a thing anymore. And I suspect that the "US's good numbers" would be lockdown worthy in most other countries. My work (which has been very conservative so far, which I liked) is lifting it's mask mandate next week (I think). I'll still wear one since I'm pretty used to it and I honestly feel like it's such a minor thing. The previous time the mask mandate was lifted only lasted a few weeks until Delta. I wonder how long it'll last this time.
Oh, and I'm a loser who plays Wordle like every night. At least I'm 100% successful since I started to play at the beginning of this year.
Talking about work, let me write way too much about being stressed and "impostor syndrome".
Work
So I would say, in most rational points of view, I've been doing pretty well recently. After the last major reorg, I moved from a specialty/inhaled products group to the larger analytical group. In there, my role took on more digital initiatives and I supported my first pill project. So it's been interesting learning new things and the programs move much faster due to the development cycle. Also, the groups that work on the projects are smaller, so there's more opportunity to engage in the larger development teams (not just the analytical part) and less just testing all the time. Overall, I'd say it's been good since it's nice to have more direct engagement of the project.
Then last year, my scientific supervisor became my director (a director has say 10 people reporting to them and there are scientific supervisors which have mini-groups within a director, but those groups are less defined than the director's group). Since I was supporting her project, she originally asked if I wanted to just take it over from her. I originally said "no" (was not comfortable since I only started it recently and said maybe after another year of supporting), but she eventually was like "I decided to have you act as the analytical lead since you know the program well enough". And I would say that my boss is pretty good at forcing me to do things that I don't necessarily want which provides good opportunities at times. (A product team has an overall lead and then sub-leads that focus on specific aspects or areas, mine is analytical.) So basically since then, I've been the only analytical person working on my program. I should probably ask more questions, but I think it's a hard balance between taking ownership and being free to ask questions. I probably lean much more on the afraid to ask side, but "ownership" of projects is something that was positively stated about how I work.
In addition to what they call "pipeline projects", my role has a built in ~50% digital focus. So during that reorg, there was a little group built that had a focus of building up my department's digital capabilities (bringing in new technology, applying different tools to our work, incorporating analytics and structured data, "lab of the future", etc). So that's also been pretty good since I've dabbled in that type of work, but it's good to have dedicated time and resources to work on it.
So in both aspects, I've learned a bunch and had some good achievements. I'd honestly say I enjoy it more too. And it obviously paid off since after a year as an analytical lead plus some good digital milestones, I was finally promoted (which sounds small, but it was a big jump due to the boxes that different levels fit into).
So where's the "but"? (lol) But I'd say with the increased responsibility and basically running several things on my own (I also think I'm not a good leader), I've been hit hardcore with impostor syndrome! Like I'd say my old role was much less challenging, a bit frustrating at times, but it was much more work that I was familiar with, good at, and did well. Now, it's lots of new things and I feel confused and stressed most of the time, if I'm being honest.
It's funny, my company had a seminar about impostor syndrome, and there were people (from the company) who talk about their experience and such (lots of people from different levels and some very high). There were several themes and I thought it was good. I remember one person talked about how every positive comment she saw as just her being good at deception or her boss just being too nice, and how she constantly felt at some point, she'd be exposed someday when people realized what she really was. I remember thinking that she was probably just exaggerating and being funny/dramatic. But thinking about it, I often talk about how I feel that my work is like a house of cards and it'll eventually come crashing down. And I totally think that my bosses are too nice (although this was confirmed by others)! I even had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it was (objectively) very good. But I feel like the one semi-critical comment (which was even prefaced as "not a criticism, but experience is needed") makes me constantly think that everyone else thinks I have no idea what I'm doing! (Moving to the "pill" side, I feel like lots of my previous experience isn't as applicable and I feel like I'm in the same boat as a new hire.) I even let Angie read my evaluation and she (like a rational person) thought it was very positive.
They call it the "growth" mindset at work where you learn new things and challenge yourself. I guess that's it? Oh, I also don't feel like I'm as knowledgeable as others who have their role focused on digitalization (like a targeted hire who is a PhD with focus in both chemistry and computer science, or even people with coding knowledge; also very few people are only bachelors, even contractors seem to all have advanced degrees).
Anyway, I feel like some weeks (this week and next week) really feel like the house of cards are ready to fall. I guess I survive, but it's been stressful. But I'll stop now and add other topics to make this a more interesting post.
Last week (or the previous), we watched Uncharted (movie), which I actually enjoyed. Tom Holland's young Nathan Drake is pretty much Spider-man, but overall, he was good and worked well with Mark Wahlberg. I oddly do enjoy Mark Wahlberg in many of his roles for some reason. It was entertaining, although I guess the story is probably better in the games. Plus I like Elena, but I guess she really shouldn't be in the story yet. I thought Zoey was okay, possibly better than her video game counterpart, although I still have to play Lost Legacy.
This weekend, we'll watch The Batman, which I'm cautious and curious about. I didn't necessarily think the Planet of the Apes movie that this director did was particular good, and nothing really seems that new or different about this movie. So I'm worried that it'll just be an excessively long (3 hrs) rehash of what we already know. But maybe having lowered expectations will lead me to being pleasantly surprised.
I also watched The Book of Boba Fett which wasn't good. It's pretty much just content for content's sake. And why is it Boba Fett? I feel like it's the same mistake where you take someone who's somewhat popular for their mystery or lack of de
tail, and then you try to milk them for content and it just makes them stupid. Plus he pulls a Loki and becomes a hero where he was paid killer previously. And the show even gives up at some point where they just put two episodes of the Mandalorian because why not? So I wouldn't say I regret watching it, but it wasn't good.
On the gaming front, I've been playing Age of Empires IV. "When I was a kid", I enjoyed AoE I and II, probably II more. I never played III for some reason, so I was pretty excited to hear that they made an AoE IV. I've mainly been playing the campaign (finally finished the Norman one) and I really like the presentation where they incorporate history. It's like very documentary intros to the battles and locations. I started the French campaign, but I think I'll skip over to the Mongols or Rus since I'm tired of castles and sieges.
I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not really that it feels the US is again jumping the gun with removing all COVID restrictions. It's like as soon as there's any signs of things getting better, people want to pretend COVID isn't even a thing anymore. And I suspect that the "US's good numbers" would be lockdown worthy in most other countries. My work (which has been very conservative so far, which I liked) is lifting it's mask mandate next week (I think). I'll still wear one since I'm pretty used to it and I honestly feel like it's such a minor thing. The previous time the mask mandate was lifted only lasted a few weeks until Delta. I wonder how long it'll last this time.
Oh, and I'm a loser who plays Wordle like every night. At least I'm 100% successful since I started to play at the beginning of this year.