An ideal fit.
Lately I have been feeling much more resigned to the fact that I will probably be alone for a good long while. I used to think that my next great love was probably just around the corner, and before I knew it I'd be in a more-than-pleasant relationship that not only was emotionally and intellectually stimulating, but also incredibly sexually stimulating. However, it has been a long, long time since I have felt that with someone, and I'm beginning to think that it was just pure dumb luck that led me to the rash of relationships I had when I was younger. For the last few years I have officially been in "the dating scene," and now realize just how infrequently I can actually find someone I hit it off with.
The problem is that it used to be a lot more black and white for me. The people I met were either totally wrong for me or totally right for me, or at least that's the way it seemed. Now it's more about meeting perfectly nice individuals who I just don't click with for one reason or another. People that I could see myself maybe sort of being attracted to, rather than people that I am either totally hot for or totally disgusted by. Completely nice, but maybe just a little too young, or a little too into themselves, or just in a different place in their life that is a little too far removed from where I am in mine.
When I was with Adam and J, everything was the end of the world. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. But I actually cared. And I was actually really fucking turned on, like the can't-wait-until-you're-naked-together-salivating-and-masturbating-at-work kind of turned on. And if they didn't call me for a couple of days I would freak out. And when we were finally together again after however long we'd been apart, I would feel like I was practically exploding from the sheer joy of the occasion. I don't feel that way anymore. It's probably rare and I never realized that because I had already had it twice by the time I could drink alcohol legally. Or it all just felt more intense because I wasn't on mood-regulating drugs. Who knows.
But now it's all bland. A parade of perfectly nice individuals, but no one that falls into the same category that Adam and J did. Which leads me to believe that I will probably be alone for a good long while. And I should get used to that idea. It's depressing, because I would really like to have someone. Someone that I actually care about, that way.
And fuck my upstairs neighbors with their fucking floor-shaking music and drunken yelling.
The problem is that it used to be a lot more black and white for me. The people I met were either totally wrong for me or totally right for me, or at least that's the way it seemed. Now it's more about meeting perfectly nice individuals who I just don't click with for one reason or another. People that I could see myself maybe sort of being attracted to, rather than people that I am either totally hot for or totally disgusted by. Completely nice, but maybe just a little too young, or a little too into themselves, or just in a different place in their life that is a little too far removed from where I am in mine.
When I was with Adam and J, everything was the end of the world. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. But I actually cared. And I was actually really fucking turned on, like the can't-wait-until-you're-naked-together-salivating-and-masturbating-at-work kind of turned on. And if they didn't call me for a couple of days I would freak out. And when we were finally together again after however long we'd been apart, I would feel like I was practically exploding from the sheer joy of the occasion. I don't feel that way anymore. It's probably rare and I never realized that because I had already had it twice by the time I could drink alcohol legally. Or it all just felt more intense because I wasn't on mood-regulating drugs. Who knows.
But now it's all bland. A parade of perfectly nice individuals, but no one that falls into the same category that Adam and J did. Which leads me to believe that I will probably be alone for a good long while. And I should get used to that idea. It's depressing, because I would really like to have someone. Someone that I actually care about, that way.
And fuck my upstairs neighbors with their fucking floor-shaking music and drunken yelling.