Isn't life supposed to be fun?
Sometimes I feel like my life is on a teeter-totter. Once I get one part of my life somewhat balanced out, another part of it comes flying at me from seemingly out of nowhere. This couldn't be reality... Not that I'm in denial or anything, but after all this soul searching and other similar stuff, I still find that some of the simplest things in life can be some of the most frightening. And I keep telling myself that I'm an adult, but after taking a closer look at the things currently scaring me, it's so completely rediculous that it couldn't possibly be real.
First on the list - I know I'm out in B.F.E. for a reason. But I'm absolutely relishing the idea of having my own place once again. But at the same time, there's this fear of the same kinds of things that happened before will continue happening to the point of redudancy, despite what I change within myself or my life.
Second - As a point of creating change in my life, I have been at least attempting to talk to as many women as I possibly can, regardless of whether I find them attractive or not. As a result, I have found at least a few I've actually liked as people. BUT - It seems as though every time I find myself liking them more and more, some sort of oddball thing happens and they stop talking to me. And to this, I analyzed(I NEVER under-analyze ANYTHING that bothers me this much...) my own personal thoughts and behaviors as to our interactions, and found that just about nothing points the finger at me when it comes to the reasons these things happen.
But one major thing has been crossing my mind the last few days... Some deeply engrained self-doubt has me convinced that I'm afraid of 1. Getting too close to a woman who has what I need/want because I'm afraid of getting hurt AGAIN. 2. Allowing a woman to get too close to me because I don't want her to expect something from me that I can't give to her, due to my physical challenges, and thus hurting her. 3. Settling down in a long-term relationship with a woman who's everything I could want because I'm somewhat selfish and shallow, and don't want to feel like I missed some big part of my life, simply because I haven't had much of an opportunity to explore sexually, again, due to my physical limitations.
I know these thoughts are extremely limiting to my growth as a person, and I don't like them at all. I just don't know how to shake them. Then only thing I can think of on my own is finding something to keep my mind off of things like sex and relationships until I can find a way to get a handle on it within myself. But should that be considered ignoring the problem? If so, then how can I face my fears without becoming too desensitized from getting hurt too often? As for the somewhat selfish and shallow - I gave it some thought, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Maybe it's the testosterone, but I have found that if I just settle for anything, I won't have anything I actually want, and so I refuse to lower my standards just to have a relationship.
First on the list - I know I'm out in B.F.E. for a reason. But I'm absolutely relishing the idea of having my own place once again. But at the same time, there's this fear of the same kinds of things that happened before will continue happening to the point of redudancy, despite what I change within myself or my life.
Second - As a point of creating change in my life, I have been at least attempting to talk to as many women as I possibly can, regardless of whether I find them attractive or not. As a result, I have found at least a few I've actually liked as people. BUT - It seems as though every time I find myself liking them more and more, some sort of oddball thing happens and they stop talking to me. And to this, I analyzed(I NEVER under-analyze ANYTHING that bothers me this much...) my own personal thoughts and behaviors as to our interactions, and found that just about nothing points the finger at me when it comes to the reasons these things happen.
But one major thing has been crossing my mind the last few days... Some deeply engrained self-doubt has me convinced that I'm afraid of 1. Getting too close to a woman who has what I need/want because I'm afraid of getting hurt AGAIN. 2. Allowing a woman to get too close to me because I don't want her to expect something from me that I can't give to her, due to my physical challenges, and thus hurting her. 3. Settling down in a long-term relationship with a woman who's everything I could want because I'm somewhat selfish and shallow, and don't want to feel like I missed some big part of my life, simply because I haven't had much of an opportunity to explore sexually, again, due to my physical limitations.
I know these thoughts are extremely limiting to my growth as a person, and I don't like them at all. I just don't know how to shake them. Then only thing I can think of on my own is finding something to keep my mind off of things like sex and relationships until I can find a way to get a handle on it within myself. But should that be considered ignoring the problem? If so, then how can I face my fears without becoming too desensitized from getting hurt too often? As for the somewhat selfish and shallow - I gave it some thought, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Maybe it's the testosterone, but I have found that if I just settle for anything, I won't have anything I actually want, and so I refuse to lower my standards just to have a relationship.