The consequences of being easy

[erishkiegal]

            People take me for granted. My desires are not considered because I do not demand they be fulfilled. My feelings are not considered because I try not to let them explode all over people even when I am hurt or upset. My time is not respected and my company is not valued because I am always available whenever they want me. Frequently

Comments

[brianbloom]

I am hearing or inferring from what you wrote that much of your decision-making about reasonableness/unpacking baggage/fairness seem to be based on reactive feedback.. Which means that in those cases you're defining good/bad and right/wrong on how the other person responds or complains. But that's independent of you, and hinges solely on how the other person plays the interaction game. ..All of which is a long-winded way of observing that perhaps the problem isn't really you

[erishkiegal]

Hmmm, not all of my definitions are based on feedback. Some are, but some, like baggage unpacking, are based on a "least possible" scale unless another action is specifically requested by my partner. If my partner wants to see what's in those steamer trunks, I warn them it's messy, and they still want to check it out then I'll drag out whatever they want to look at. I'm not bitter that I do these things for my partners. Usually, if the relationship lasts long enough, my baggage gets slowly unpacked one piece at a time and they gradually get introduced to my neurosis. As to some of the other things, well, I always LIKE being able to spend time with loved ones and do things that make them happy so it's not a sacrifice. I just wish it were more frequently reciprocal

[brianbloom]

So it's sounding like the problem dissects into a few related issues

[erishkiegal]

Just to clarify (not to nitpick) the respecting my time is more about actually paying attention to me when I am there and NOT canceling on me when we've made plans or actually telling me if you aren't going to want me to come over at a time when I usually do. I will gladly give as much time as I can and leave if I must, but I like to have people actually pay attention to me when I am there

[brianbloom]

Re: "respecting your time". I, to be honest, had no idea what specifically about this what problematic, but was using it as a generic example to see where the breakdown was happening. Your clarification does explain better what you care about in regards to that, but is still "compatible" with the scenarios I used