Russian Novel (warning: here there be drama)
She wrote me today, the ex-lover of my lover (no, you likely don't know who she is and that's as it should be), explaining that she can no longer be my friend. I make her uncomfortable; so much so that she is no longer comfortable around my mate either. Myriad: 0 for 3, or love three, if only we were playing tennis. I've managed to make my mate uncomfortable, make my lover uncomfortable (mostly because my mate is uncomfortable), and make my lover's ex so powerfully uncomfortable that she can no longer even bear the sight of me on tribe. Go me. But, as those of you who know me are aware, I cannot let things lie. Oh no. I had to tell her that I hoped we could be friends again at some point and hoped strongly that she not let this interfere with her friendship with my mate as they seem to have so much in common.
"yeah, like clearly being uncomfortable with your involvement with ___.
"i don't think a friendship will work being you are involved with ___. i have a bad taste in my mouth with you and him now and can never be comfortable with that or you two together. it seems like a lie to me, on both your sides. "
Well, the first part is true. I deserved that jab. And perhaps she never will be comfortable with her ex and I dating, that is for her to determine. It's that last sentence that I cannot swallow. The one shred of dignity I can cling to out of the mess I've made is that no matter how painful, embarrassing, or uncomfortable, I did not lie. Have I royally botched communications left, right, and sideways? Yes. Have I been unforgivably selfish and put my happiness above that of others? Yes. Have I completely misjudged not only my partner's responses but my own? Yes. I've been a goddamn bull in a china shop and made a bloody soap opera of my love life, but I ALWAYS tried my damnedest to tell the truth as I knew it. Oh I made a right mess of communicating it sometimes and I was wrong more often than right but, dammit, I tried! I tried not only to avoid lying but to volunteer truth even when the person I was telling didn't want to hear about it. If I had been willing to lie I could have easily avoided all the drama I'm going through now.
So I explain to her that this is a rather serious accusation to me and ask when and to whom I have lied. Her response?
"Please do not contact me again."
One of my least favorite phrases in the English language is "This conversation is over." The rudeness, the abruptness, and the complete disregard for and rejection of anything the other person may still have to say or wish to know pushes some serious buttons for me. I can't stand having a conversation so summarily aborted. It leaves me nowhere to go, simmering in my own unresolved emotions and confusion. Oh, I'll honor her request. She wants nothing more to do with me or mine. My sin is too great to be expunged; I kissed her boy...... who is poly..... and then slept with him...... after they'd broken up. Well, OK, it's emotional for her. I'm unclear on the finer points of their arrangement and I understand that some folks become upset over the thought of those they have loved going on to sleep with somebody else, especially right on the heals of the first relationship's demise. It hurts me that she has so completely rejected me and that she refuses any further dialog though. I'm left processing my feelings in the wholly inadequate medium of my on-line journal (sorry, dear readers, but it just isn't the same). Her refusal to even explain my sins has my head spinning. Am I so far fallen that it is no longer even worth the effort to explain to me my transgressions in the hopes that I may do less harm in the future? Has her discomfort with me progressed to an active dislike of my person which lends her no desire to help me understand my failings? Was I somehow rude or cruel in our conversation? Or is it something so simple as a realization that she had spoken inaccurately but did not wish to afford me the courtesy of an explanation. Don't try to answer these questions, dear hypothetical reader, as they are somewhat rhetorical in nature. I do not query your motives, but hers. Still, the questions keep rattling 'round my head and needed expressing somewhere.
My state of being is actually a little fragile and shaky at the moment and this extra dose of insecurity, on top of a few other things, has come at a painful time. I have been open and honest about my wants and desires and held true to my convictions and the promises I have made to myself. I've done it in a rather backwards and half-assed way (I made a promise to another that I never should have made which only resulted in me having to ask to be released from it later) but I genuinely did choose the best path that I saw available. Still, I have hurt several people. My level of responsibility for their pain/discomfort is something I am still struggling to assess but, regardless, I cannot help but feel distress that my joy causes others sorrow. I have made the selfish choice of putting my happiness above the happiness of others and though I could not point out a better path for me to have taken I am still feeling rather reprehensible at the moment. I am unsure of my status in both my relationships, if that term even applies, and I've lost one potential friend. Are convictions worth such prices? "To refuse to turn away from love, be it great or small." Such a benign edict should not carry such bitter consequences. It should be mentioned that I've also gained some wondrous moments that more than pay the emotional cost for the pains and strife I've suffered through this process, but I am unsure if it justifies the damage done to others.
Of course, none of this self doubt and recrimination does me an ounce of good. The deed is done and if given the same choice over I would do it again. I could do nothing less and be myself. That somehow does not keep me from feeling wretched about being the center of so much drama and upset.
So, yes, I feel rather wretched and worthless and vulnerable and insecure at the moment. I ask for too much. I am inconsiderate of those around me. I am selfish. I am weak. I love not wisely nor too well but too uncompromisingly. It is entirely possible that I will lose that which I seek through the act of reaching for it. Everything feels very up in the air and I feel rather unworthy of all that has happened because of, for, or as a result of myself and my actions. I have only a handful of words to comfort me.
I will not turn away from love, be it great or small.
I hope that is enough.