(no subject)

[erinward]

am i okay? todays walkdown and i dont really know what to feel. i cant believe its been a year. 12 whole months. (actually a little less)this time last year- the day of walkdown. i cant even begin to tell you what i was feeling. i knew my life would change in the following hours either for the very best or the worse i could ever imagine. but i had no idea that it would still be affecting me a year later. a year. 365 days. i still just cant believe its been a year. it seems like yesterday when i was cheering. when i was gleefully happy. when i was making my best friends. when i was making the best memories. when i was dressing like a whore to go run around on ice. when i was wearing fishnets in the middle of january and febuary. when my life revolved around the colors red and black, a bull, and the numbers 9-3-2. i guess it didnt work out for me. and life goes on. rachel won. and im so happy she is happy. i want to be able to be the best friend i think and call myself. but i know it could potentially spin me off the edge again with the depression that set in that night. i remember waking up that sunday- going home with garrett and netta. not really talking. taking off all the red i owned (leaving me in all black) and going to sleep. aaron coming in and waking me up and watching saw. i was so sad. i felt to naked. so bare. i cant believe it was a year ago. jesus. am i going to be that girl that cant let go? am i going to be the person that sits at preston and frankford for years to come? could i have done the job that rachel so gracefully did perfectly? i doubt it. or maybe my passion would have taken over and i could have. but look how complete her last 12 months have been. theyve been incrediable. did me losing effect my friendship with the boys i had come to love. not really.. maybe with michael. but i love my memories. i just cant believe its a year ago.

i love you rachel. sweetheart.
i love you daniel beau.
i love you brett beau
i love you abby sweetheart.
my hearts are with you tonight.
i know what its like to lose something
that youve dedicated your heart too.
and it sucks alot but i'll be your shoulder.

I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead