bottled up
I've always tried to bottle up my feelings and not let anyone actually know what's going on in my life. I talk a lot about what's going on in my life, but I never really let people know how I'm feeling. Most of the time I don't even want to let myself know how I'm feeling. I pretend that everything is fine, but really its not. I think that on some level I feel like having feelings and letting people into my life is a sign of weakness. I never let anyone too close to me because I'm afraid what they'll find out. Thats one of the reasons that I'm posting this entry on my livejournal and not on my myspace blog. I just don't want people to know. Heres the problem with my feelings not getting expressed, I let them get the best of my when I drink. For some reason when I drink all of my emotions just pour out of my and there's no way to stop it. I just end up crying and blowing up at people. Most of the time I direct my anger and frustrations at people that aren't responsible for the emotions. I was thinking that I should just stop drinking all together. That would just be masking the problem. Drinking isn't the reason that I freak out. I can drink and not freak out I do it all the time. I just need to learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I have to stop running from my problems and face them head on. I avoid conflict and confrontation because its uncomfortable and messy. I let people walk all over me because I don't feel like I'm strong enough to stand up for myself. The drawback to this is that I let all of my problems just fester until one night, when I'm drunk, I just freak out and everyone thinks I'm crazy. Last night I was on my friends boyfriend's couch and all of a sudden I just freaked out and walked back to my car. My car was probably two miles from where I was and I stole the guys blanket to keep my warm on the walk. I probably looked like a psychopath and someone who can't hold her alcohol. In actuality I was feeling rejected and blew up at someone for a completely different reason and then in my mind it was logical to walk home and steal a blanket. Now my feet hurt and I never want to see those people again. This happens to me a lot. I just freak out and then never want to see my friends again because I'm so embarrassed about what I did. Pretty much running away from the reaction caused by bottling up all of my emotions. I just want to be able to tell people how I really feel, and I want to believe that I'm worth something in this world. I never really have accepted me for who I am. I always think I'm inferior and I mask that inferiority complex by pretending that I like who I am. Not sure if people really buy it but its just how I am. I need to be able to not freak out and maybe I should stop drinking all together. This wouldn't happen if I didn't drink at all. I wouldn't freak out randomly yes, but I also would still be avoiding my problems and feelings. I want to just take a break from life and just be alone but thats probably the worst idea of all time. I just want to escape. If there is one good thing that came out of my mini-meltdown its that I did finally confront David about how he has been treating me. He and his girlfriend broke up, again,and all of a sudden he's talking to me again. I know he's an ass and he treated me like crap, but he was my first and I will always have feelings for him on some level. So i talk to him and let him play with my heart all the time. So last night, after I was rejected, I just freaked out on him for some reason. I just decided that it was a great idea to just tell him that I knew the only reason that he was talking to me was because he wasn't with his girlfriend anymore and i was just conveniently around. Then I started crying and decided that walking home was a great idea. Then this morning he's just really confused and tells me that he actually cares about me. I don't think I can trust him. I always knew he was going to screw me over, but i let him play with me anyway. Now I'm just worried that he's gonna hurt me again, and I don't want to let him do it. Maybe I should just start fresh and cut myself off from all former boyfriends. Just find someone completely new altogether. Maybe I should learn how to positively express feelings before I can get into any kind of relationship