Pain - and losing Eric Dabrowski.
I said I'd continue my post from last year lol. So, technically, here it is. I have an excuse though! Sorry, I mean an actual explanation. My anxiety gets so hard to manage because it forces me to become irrationally fearful, which can then escalate into a full blown episode. During my CPTSD episodes, clinically, my IQ drops by 30 points. It falls because my brain isn't capable of thinking of somewhere in the middle because all it wants to do is survive; my amygdala takes complete control of my actions. So much that at times, I can't garner the strength to write in my own journal for fucks sake. So I just suffer and cry most of the time.
My therapist's name is Floyd. He specializes in post traumatic stress disorder. He has helped me greatly through this whirlwind of agony. My chest hurts. I've gained weight. My brain is always somewhere else. I dropped so many things this week because my mind was just constantly thinking about traumatic things, like people making fun of me in the past, my ex Seth that used to assault me, teachers berating me and my own parents being bullies.
I hate being a victim of incest and childhood sexual abuse. I hate it so fucking much. I wretch thinking about being raped for nearly a decade by my mother. She started to rape me before I could start talking. I was only 2 1/2 when I started to be sexually assaulted. Jesus FUCKING CHRIST!
But thanks to Floyd, I was able to have the courage to sort of speak up a little bit. I even have a date set to visit my aunt and uncle in October to tell them EVERYTHING that happened under our roof. However, I think I'll ask and see if there's a sooner date in the middle of the week. Getting this information out of my fucking head is so crucial to my survival plan. The truth will set me free.
So many things have happened. Good lord.
Eric died as well. May 10th, 2022. He ended up in the newspaper.
His aunt called me, and I said I'd call as soon as I could. Though, I couldn't muster the will to call her back. Eric had made a new character to avoid me, or so my anxiety is telling me. He claimed it was to 're-do' the story, but he never liked me checking in on him because he had such bad anxiety too. I knew who he was in the past...Actually I'll write about more details about Eric in another post, around the time I gave him the journal. Nevertheless, I need to work on this in therapy with Floyd eventually.
My chest literally feels like it's physically sore and tired. The only way is up right? Right?