(no subject)
i don't even understand, i don't know how to explain how much of a wreck i am sometimes and that you don't realize it and how afraid i am to mess anything else up...i shouldn't like someone yet, but i do and i don't like how i feel like an open door and anything can just come right in, like i'm afraid if i let you in that so much other things will come in to and i don't know if i can deal with it all.....i'm so --i don't even know--- that i can't tell how he feels, i mean, i think i know, but usually people are sure or they don't care enough because its a game or a project or just something to do for the time, but its not like that.....i just don't like being scared and i am....i'm scared because i don't do well with subtle hints, i need someone to actually say everything that they feel and be super direct, like how they feel, if something i do bothers them, i don't know, just about anything....i hate it, i have to be and i feel like everyone else does too, otherwise how am i supposed to know, i'm not a mind reader, you have to communicate and if you don't, everything gets based on assumptions, which are most likely wrong.....i dont know, i hate when things are so grey and you never know how things are, i hate it, that's why i've jumped into all of my relationships, hoping that they work out and well they all haven't, but i am not a patient person and i hate going from day to day, like i don't need you to call me all the time, i'm fine without it, but like i don't know, i guess i'm used to even the bad relationships when people say things like well call me when you get home so that i know you got there okay, things like that, caring shit that people say, even when they don't know each other that well.....i don't know, am i supposed to wonder if your an asshole because you don't do that, or you aren't used to doing that, i don't even know whwat to think, and if i spent all my time thinking about reasons why you aren't doing, i'm just avoiding the issue that you aren't and making up dumb excuses and then i might as well just be in my last relationship and think that everything is great and i'm so in love and really having a shitty relationship and a terrible life.....god, why don't i just spend my time writing a book then all my stupid shit in here, maybe then it would go somewhere good and help someone