(no subject)
I'm really terrible, I can't help just saying what I think or feel, even though I'm sure it gets me into more trouble then good. Like I've said before, it's not going to help me, focusing on relationships with a guy. I just have to be all up on school. It's not hard anymore at all, actually pretty damn easy. I'm super excited that I have a 97% in my econ class and got a 97% on the first exam. Seriously, I don't think I've done this well since my junior year in high school. I've been thinking about a lot of decisions that I've made in the past 4 years and I haven't regretted anything, but now that I think about everything, I can't help but be hurt just thinking about it. It's not that I would take anything back or change anything, it's made me who I am now, but I just wonder what it would be like if I hadn't made certain decisions. For all I know, I could have been married with kids now, instead of deathly single and finally figuring out what I want to do and going to the number one school in the country for it. I'm so excited about my life right now, it really all is falling into place...I wish it would have fallen into place when I graduated, then I could already have my bachelor's degree in fashion design and starting to work at an awesome job. I watched Sweet Home Alabama yesterday and somehow it just confirms that fate will decide everything, that I will be with who I'm supposed to be with when I'm supposed to be with them, doing what I really love. At least I have the career part pretty well figured out, I know what I want to be and what my dream job would be. And I'm going to get it, I swear that anything I've ever wanted I've gotten....I don't care what I have to do to get it, but I will conquer whatever it is. I guess the only thing I'm worried about is that I really will end up alone...it wouldn't be bad, but when that's all everyone talks about, it's kinda hard when you don't have it. I think that I'm fine not getting married, but you can't be relationshipless, if that's even a word. I mean, I don't need them for the sex part, I can handle that myself, but sometimes I do want someone to sleep next to me or randomly do romantic things that just amaze me. It's not even that hard to amaze me, I'd have to say I'm pretty easy in that sense, I'm happy with a few candles, a movie and some food, preferably italian. How terrible is it that when I'm going to hang out with a guy, my mom bribes me to not go. Yeah, so I told her that I hate him, which I do, but at the same time, that makes him all the more attractive.
I don't know, I guess I am getting lonely for someone that's actually worth the time....it's like I'm throwing pennies into a pond, waiting for a hundred dollar bill to magically appear. I'm sick of bullshit relationships, I just want someone I can be honest with and can take it if it's not exactly positive for them. I'm sure that I'll end up meeting someone great in Chicago and eat all my words, but that's not now and that part of moving seems like a thousand years away. Can we just fast forward, can I just forget about anyone else that I think I care about....can all my feelings just feel like nothing compared to someone new that is just perfect for me. Somehow I think that it doesn't get any better than that person, but I'm really hoping that I'm surprised by some feelings more extreme. I just need to be strong and hold my own for awhile, even though it's been almost a year since I've actually been in a really good relationship. Actually I don't know how great any of them have really been... to me there's always been something majorly wrong with them. I can't just be with a nice guy, I can't be with someone who lets me walk all over them. I need a little fighting, nothing serious, but that we're not afraid to say what we think, and can disagree. I need an opinionated man....it's terrible that I have like a 10 page list of everything I would want in a boyfriend or serious relationship man. I can't help but have high standards. If I didn't, I'd be in and out of relationships like nothing and they would mean shit. Maybe all this time, I'm saving up all my love and affection for someone who is really great, and all this time will make me appreciate him so much more. If that's the case, I'd wait forever to get something that great. I don't want some bullshit, I need the real thing.
If you second guess your feelings, they probably aren't real. There are some things that you can just feel. But how are you supposed to know if there is anything better if you haven't experienced it yet??
I don't know, I guess I am getting lonely for someone that's actually worth the time....it's like I'm throwing pennies into a pond, waiting for a hundred dollar bill to magically appear. I'm sick of bullshit relationships, I just want someone I can be honest with and can take it if it's not exactly positive for them. I'm sure that I'll end up meeting someone great in Chicago and eat all my words, but that's not now and that part of moving seems like a thousand years away. Can we just fast forward, can I just forget about anyone else that I think I care about....can all my feelings just feel like nothing compared to someone new that is just perfect for me. Somehow I think that it doesn't get any better than that person, but I'm really hoping that I'm surprised by some feelings more extreme. I just need to be strong and hold my own for awhile, even though it's been almost a year since I've actually been in a really good relationship. Actually I don't know how great any of them have really been... to me there's always been something majorly wrong with them. I can't just be with a nice guy, I can't be with someone who lets me walk all over them. I need a little fighting, nothing serious, but that we're not afraid to say what we think, and can disagree. I need an opinionated man....it's terrible that I have like a 10 page list of everything I would want in a boyfriend or serious relationship man. I can't help but have high standards. If I didn't, I'd be in and out of relationships like nothing and they would mean shit. Maybe all this time, I'm saving up all my love and affection for someone who is really great, and all this time will make me appreciate him so much more. If that's the case, I'd wait forever to get something that great. I don't want some bullshit, I need the real thing.
If you second guess your feelings, they probably aren't real. There are some things that you can just feel. But how are you supposed to know if there is anything better if you haven't experienced it yet??