yeah so i think i really fucked up this time
I don't get it, I don't get why I feel so shitty about telling someone that I just want to be friends with them....its 2 days later and I feel like crying about it, I don't know whether I'm scared that he thinks its a blow off line and I don't want to talk to him or that I might really like him, but I'm not even close to being ready to have a relationship that will actually work. I don't know how to explain this, I thought I did, but I haven't heard from him in 2 days, so it makes me think that he's just done talking to me forever. I really don't know what to do, I guess my best plan is to call him tonight and see what's up. How else am I going to know anything. It's not like I'm seeing anyone or really talking to any other guy "like that" at all. I explained this also, it doesn't have anything to do with him as a person, if it did, I wouldn't have even hung out with him when he was back home in Midland. I kinda also feel bad because I ended up crying when I went to visit him, probably for numerous reasons. Sometimes I wish that I had the same logic that everyone else does, that what everyone else sees as a good thing, I would too. I don't understand some of the stuff he says about relationships...to me it seems like he is the girl in it and i am the guy. Maybe it's just that I have to figure myself out in order to even begin to try to have ANYTHING with anyone else? Otherwise it seems like I just push everyone away, not that I want to, but it happens. I used to think it was because they were too "easy", basically I knew that I could hang out with them whenever I wanted to, so basically I didn't want to anymore....ie the challenge. Now, I'm not so sure. I feel super torn inside about what I said to him this weekend. Maybe I figure that if we get close as being friends and I can trust him like that, then I wouldn't have problems trusting him if I ever got into the relationship area. I guess I also am a little worried, because everyone needs time to be single and since he's been in a 4 year relationship (holy shit i know), i would think that he would want to be single for at least like 6 months minimum?? I just don't get it because when I told him how I felt, he was like good, that's how I feel too....but I don't believe him. The way he's acting is like he wants a relationship, maybe it's just because that's what's easiest for him to do, it's what he knows how to do best.....not the whole dating thing. Basically I really just want to open up to him and tell him everything I'm thinking, but a huge part of me says that he really doesn't care anymore because of everything I said this weekend. I'm dumb, I say stupid shit all the time without thinking, just going with what I feel at that exact second. You really shouldn't listen to me, I try to explain it, but I can't, nothing ever works out in the end, everything sucks and I end up feeling like shit because I don't know how I feel anymore, I thought I knew, but I don't. Maybe he'll just call and then things will be fine....probably not, but we can hope so. I hope so.