I know...

[erinlittle]

I don't know why sometimes I don't understand why i do stupid things that I do, why sometimes I make myself look so unattractive to nice guys or mess it up by talking about other guys. I can't help it, I have the hardest time letting anyone in, really in. I think that's why when I'm single, I'm single for awhile is because I can't let anyone in, because no one understands or they just use anything I say against me. And then I actually start "looking for a boyfriend" and basically I don't give up til I get the one I want. And even then, I think it's just so that I'm not alone....because after awhile, it feels super shitty when only guys that you used to date and guys that like you call, not guy friends. It sucks because you always have to be defensive, even if your ex comes to town to hang out, I just keep wondering why he's really here, he can't just be a nice guy, there has be a secret motive. Maybe he wants to get back together or see if I even would. I hate this because some days I can completely understand what is going on and why I do some thing, and other days, I'm so caught up in the games and pretend feelings or fears that I'll lose the game that I can't see the big picture. I don't know, I guess that there's someone that I like, someone that I wish I could count on, but it probably won't end up happening, which is bad because it makes me feel like shit, I'm still hurt in the end, even if I don't open myself up at all, just the disapointment of nothing happening with him would be enough to make me not want to get out of bed for way more than just a weekend. Everywhere I read about bipolar girls and they always have boyfriends, and so then they aren't alone and it's shitty when you don't have that and don't want to be by yourself all the time, so I just go out with other people, people I don't even care about or trust most of the time. It's not good.

I guess that I'm just hoping he can be the one that wants to be there for me.