Back From The Dead!
Hello! I have decided to write a blog in here. I am really bored at work and it will give me something to do. Reading over my blogs from the past are always funny too. It really makes you realize how much you change as a person as you go through life.
I am almost 28. My birthday is on July 23rd. I am getting more and more freaked out the closer that I get to 30. I don't know why.. I realize that age is just a number. But I don't know what to do about it. I have been waking up in the middle of the night with horrible panic attacks and really bad chest pains. I wish that I could just tell my body that everything is alright but it doesn't seem to want to agree with me.
I love my new living situation. Caspien and I decided to move in with our friends, the Austins. It has really been a healthy move. I love my mom more than anything... but she has just become one of the most negative people I know. Being around her is so emotionally draining. She always seems accusatory of everything. She is so unhappy and I have no idea how to help her with this. I always have to make excuses to people for her. I have so often heard from people that they have no idea where I fit into the family when they meet my mother and sister. I am so completely different from them... although in a lot of ways I am the same. I really do miss my dad though. I feel sorry for him that he has to stay in the negativity. I am hoping that maybe by Caspien and I that it will help their relationship... or will help them decide that they need to be with other people. I don't know. I don't really know how to do anything about that situation either. I heard that my sister is moving back into the house because she is having problems with her boyfriend... but who knows if that will happen at all... or how long it will last for. Anyways, enough about that. My new environment is wonderful. I have lifelong friends and we feel more like a big family than just people renting rooms in the house. The house is beautiful and there is a pool and we were allowed to paint and decorate our rooms anyway that we wanted. I can just sit in my room or sit in the house surrounded by the people I live with and not feel anxious or wanting to leave. I haven't been able to relax in such a long time!
Robin is a wonderful person. I have felt so close to her in such a short amount of time. We are so very much alike that it is weird. Every time that we talk I find out more and more things that we share.
Mark is so accepting. I am so happy that he let us into his home. I felt like I have learned a lot from him.
Christian is a wonderful and intelligent young man. We have the best conversations. I am amazed about the stuff that he is so knowledgeable about. And he makes me laugh!
Kimberlyn is a beautiful and witty young woman. We kinda "share" a bedroom... we have our own separate rooms but they are joined by a mutual bathroom and many times I come home to see Kimberlyn in her room writing in her laptop or reading. It is so nice just to glance over and wave at someone! I am so fortunate to have her in my life.
And of course Caspien. He is such an important part of my life. I can't believe that we have been together so long. It seems like we only met yesterday. I am so glad to have watched him grow and progress into the wonderful person that he is today. He is so intelligent and talented. I often find myself in awe of him. We always have our small arguments and disagreements... but we always can fix things. We can get REALLY mad at each other... but we can't seem to stay that way for very long. He has helped me grow so much as well. I think that we met each other at the perfect times when we needed each other the most. I love him so very much that it hurts sometimes.
So with all of these positive influences now surrounding me.... I feel that it has helped so much. I am still a little depressed. Things have just been a little crazy lately. There is always the ever present money problems. I am definitely trying to work on that though. I also have a friend, that I care so very much about, who has just been draining me emotionally, financially, and physically. Maintaining our friendship has been so much work that is just doesn't seem like it is worth it anymore. I don't think that one should have to work so hard just to keep a friend. Especially when your friend's issues and not yours which are driving you apart. I don't really know how to approach someone and tell them that they need so much help and you can't even begin to make a dent in their problems... no matter how much you care about them. There was a point when I thought I would be completely devastated if this person were not to be in my life... but he has pushed me so far away... that now I look back and wonder what I was thinking. I have hurt other people's feelings in the process of trying to make him happy... and that is definitely NOT OK! He has also made me feel badly about myself almost every time I have hung out with him. I know that I shouldn't let his words have any affect on me... but this is supposed to be someone who loves me... so naturally they would make me feel much worse than just some stranger passing on the street. I am really going to appreciate a break from him. I think that will give me time to take a step back and wonder how much I really need this person if at all.
I have rehearsals tonight and that is exciting as well. We have been learning all of the music... and next week we are going to be starting in on the blocking. It is a musical called "The Secret Garden". It has always been a dream of mine to be in this production. I am sad that the performances are only for one weekend. But it will still be worth all of the hard work.
I feel like I have written a small novel! I don't even know if anyone has made it to this point or if they have gotten tired of reading. I think that my next entries will probably be smaller since this is the first one I have written in a while and I had a lot to say. I think I will end on this note... I appreciate so much of what I have and the people who surround me with so much love. Thank you to everyone.... you know who you are!
Until next time....
I am almost 28. My birthday is on July 23rd. I am getting more and more freaked out the closer that I get to 30. I don't know why.. I realize that age is just a number. But I don't know what to do about it. I have been waking up in the middle of the night with horrible panic attacks and really bad chest pains. I wish that I could just tell my body that everything is alright but it doesn't seem to want to agree with me.
I love my new living situation. Caspien and I decided to move in with our friends, the Austins. It has really been a healthy move. I love my mom more than anything... but she has just become one of the most negative people I know. Being around her is so emotionally draining. She always seems accusatory of everything. She is so unhappy and I have no idea how to help her with this. I always have to make excuses to people for her. I have so often heard from people that they have no idea where I fit into the family when they meet my mother and sister. I am so completely different from them... although in a lot of ways I am the same. I really do miss my dad though. I feel sorry for him that he has to stay in the negativity. I am hoping that maybe by Caspien and I that it will help their relationship... or will help them decide that they need to be with other people. I don't know. I don't really know how to do anything about that situation either. I heard that my sister is moving back into the house because she is having problems with her boyfriend... but who knows if that will happen at all... or how long it will last for. Anyways, enough about that. My new environment is wonderful. I have lifelong friends and we feel more like a big family than just people renting rooms in the house. The house is beautiful and there is a pool and we were allowed to paint and decorate our rooms anyway that we wanted. I can just sit in my room or sit in the house surrounded by the people I live with and not feel anxious or wanting to leave. I haven't been able to relax in such a long time!
Robin is a wonderful person. I have felt so close to her in such a short amount of time. We are so very much alike that it is weird. Every time that we talk I find out more and more things that we share.
Mark is so accepting. I am so happy that he let us into his home. I felt like I have learned a lot from him.
Christian is a wonderful and intelligent young man. We have the best conversations. I am amazed about the stuff that he is so knowledgeable about. And he makes me laugh!
Kimberlyn is a beautiful and witty young woman. We kinda "share" a bedroom... we have our own separate rooms but they are joined by a mutual bathroom and many times I come home to see Kimberlyn in her room writing in her laptop or reading. It is so nice just to glance over and wave at someone! I am so fortunate to have her in my life.
And of course Caspien. He is such an important part of my life. I can't believe that we have been together so long. It seems like we only met yesterday. I am so glad to have watched him grow and progress into the wonderful person that he is today. He is so intelligent and talented. I often find myself in awe of him. We always have our small arguments and disagreements... but we always can fix things. We can get REALLY mad at each other... but we can't seem to stay that way for very long. He has helped me grow so much as well. I think that we met each other at the perfect times when we needed each other the most. I love him so very much that it hurts sometimes.
So with all of these positive influences now surrounding me.... I feel that it has helped so much. I am still a little depressed. Things have just been a little crazy lately. There is always the ever present money problems. I am definitely trying to work on that though. I also have a friend, that I care so very much about, who has just been draining me emotionally, financially, and physically. Maintaining our friendship has been so much work that is just doesn't seem like it is worth it anymore. I don't think that one should have to work so hard just to keep a friend. Especially when your friend's issues and not yours which are driving you apart. I don't really know how to approach someone and tell them that they need so much help and you can't even begin to make a dent in their problems... no matter how much you care about them. There was a point when I thought I would be completely devastated if this person were not to be in my life... but he has pushed me so far away... that now I look back and wonder what I was thinking. I have hurt other people's feelings in the process of trying to make him happy... and that is definitely NOT OK! He has also made me feel badly about myself almost every time I have hung out with him. I know that I shouldn't let his words have any affect on me... but this is supposed to be someone who loves me... so naturally they would make me feel much worse than just some stranger passing on the street. I am really going to appreciate a break from him. I think that will give me time to take a step back and wonder how much I really need this person if at all.
I have rehearsals tonight and that is exciting as well. We have been learning all of the music... and next week we are going to be starting in on the blocking. It is a musical called "The Secret Garden". It has always been a dream of mine to be in this production. I am sad that the performances are only for one weekend. But it will still be worth all of the hard work.
I feel like I have written a small novel! I don't even know if anyone has made it to this point or if they have gotten tired of reading. I think that my next entries will probably be smaller since this is the first one I have written in a while and I had a lot to say. I think I will end on this note... I appreciate so much of what I have and the people who surround me with so much love. Thank you to everyone.... you know who you are!
Until next time....