(no subject)
It's another one of those nights. I feel as though I understand so much more about myself, yet constantly feel so alienated from the rest of society. There will always be 'What ifs?' and 'Should haves...' but one can never change the choices they have made. All we can do, the minimum we owe to those that we coexist with, is to try and learn from our previous experiments in life. I hesitate to use the word mistakes because that implies consistent negativity.
I am so thankful to be who and where I am but that thought of something better, that ever-elusive perfect reality is always lingering in the back of my brain and the middle of the knot in my tongue when I speak.
I owe everything I have to the people that have influenced me in any minor and major way throughout my 23 years of consciousness. Particularly the people that no matter how much I disrespected and abused the relationship we shared they always cared and only blessed me with good intentions. I speak in past tense, but what I say is wholly applicable to the present.
I understand that I have behaved in completely ill motivated and immoral ways. I understand regret on a daily basis, but I do not deserve to feel self-righteous. I have been incredibly well provided for. Life and opportunity have offered me a second chance. It is my responsibility to make the most of that opportunity out of respect for those that provided it.
Bah, I am all sorts of fucked up. Back to reality, as surreal as it is.
I am so thankful to be who and where I am but that thought of something better, that ever-elusive perfect reality is always lingering in the back of my brain and the middle of the knot in my tongue when I speak.
I owe everything I have to the people that have influenced me in any minor and major way throughout my 23 years of consciousness. Particularly the people that no matter how much I disrespected and abused the relationship we shared they always cared and only blessed me with good intentions. I speak in past tense, but what I say is wholly applicable to the present.
I understand that I have behaved in completely ill motivated and immoral ways. I understand regret on a daily basis, but I do not deserve to feel self-righteous. I have been incredibly well provided for. Life and opportunity have offered me a second chance. It is my responsibility to make the most of that opportunity out of respect for those that provided it.
Bah, I am all sorts of fucked up. Back to reality, as surreal as it is.