Life and pathetic homo drama
Well, each new day is one day closer to graduation; one day closer to becoming a responsible adult and making my own life for myself. I get excited every time I think about being my own person and being out on my own. Classes are going well, it seems to be a breeze. Thanks again to Mark and Brian to showing me that there are normal homos out there; and also for showing me that love can be found in this wretched town. Onto the drama...
They managed to drag me to Brothers last night. Definitely not my favorite place; but I was drunk enough to be fine with going. I always feel so uncomfortable around that many people. Especially since I didn't really have anyone to dance with and I didn't really have anyone to talk to either...until later in the night (more on that in a a second). I saw lots of people that I "knew" (not in THAT way) from online, which was interesting, cuz most of them barely acknowledged me (and some of them that did, I had a hard time remembering who they were). Later on in the night, I happened to check my phone to see what time it was and it said I had a text message...from Joey. That's right, Joey. The last person on Earth that I would have expected to contact me, did. Apparently, he was somewhere at Brothers as well. Then he proceeded to call and leave a message as well. So he contacted me twice. And this is where the sad and stupid high schooler came out. "Oh my god, he texted me and left a message. That must mean something." And then I became giddy. "He called and texted me, he must wanna talk to me or something, oh my god, I have to find him. I have to go find him before he maybe leaves." What was I expecting? I have no idea. I wasn't in my right head, I was thinking like a high schooler, or worse, a middle schooler. I rushed back inside and began searching. And then I saw him, standing on the edge of the stage thingy. And he looked REALLY good. And I went over to him and said hi. And we had a short conversation about him thinking he saw me there and then I was there and that's why he called me. It was short. And without having any expectations, I was still let down. I stood there behind him and watched the drag queens pointlessly lip-sync to bad songs and taking money from strangers stuffing the dollar bills into their "cleavage". And I looked at him, hoping he would say something more. I don't exactly know what, but something. But he didn't. And the drag show bored me. So I told him to "Please call me sometime, I haven't talked to you in a while." "Yeah, I will." (And in that statement, I hoped he was telling the truth, I want to talk to him so badly, I want to hear a different ring-tone and say, "Who the hell is that?" and look at my phone and smile again, like I used to.) And with my tail between my legs (why? I don't know), I went outside and desperately tried to find someone to talk to. Justin, Aric, Will. No one answered. And on the verge of tears, I went inside to try and find Brian and Mark, hoping they would be ready to go. I followed them outside and we prepared to leave. And I tried my best not to sob at Brothers, I tried not to be THAT person. And as we walked out of the building (and Mark went back to get Brian), I called Justin again. And when he asked me why I had called him, the reason walked out the door. He looked at me and then looked away and walked with his friends. I said again, "Hey, call me", and he again said that he would. And all I wanted to do was leave that place as fast as we could. We left Brothers and I managed to keep my composure and not cry at all.
The truth is that I'm embarassed by myself. I'm embarassed that I would do that. I don't even know if it's appropriate to blame the alcohol, it's a bad excuse. Either way, I don't know what to think of it all. I thought I was done, but I'm not. And I can't tell if that's good or bad.
They managed to drag me to Brothers last night. Definitely not my favorite place; but I was drunk enough to be fine with going. I always feel so uncomfortable around that many people. Especially since I didn't really have anyone to dance with and I didn't really have anyone to talk to either...until later in the night (more on that in a a second). I saw lots of people that I "knew" (not in THAT way) from online, which was interesting, cuz most of them barely acknowledged me (and some of them that did, I had a hard time remembering who they were). Later on in the night, I happened to check my phone to see what time it was and it said I had a text message...from Joey. That's right, Joey. The last person on Earth that I would have expected to contact me, did. Apparently, he was somewhere at Brothers as well. Then he proceeded to call and leave a message as well. So he contacted me twice. And this is where the sad and stupid high schooler came out. "Oh my god, he texted me and left a message. That must mean something." And then I became giddy. "He called and texted me, he must wanna talk to me or something, oh my god, I have to find him. I have to go find him before he maybe leaves." What was I expecting? I have no idea. I wasn't in my right head, I was thinking like a high schooler, or worse, a middle schooler. I rushed back inside and began searching. And then I saw him, standing on the edge of the stage thingy. And he looked REALLY good. And I went over to him and said hi. And we had a short conversation about him thinking he saw me there and then I was there and that's why he called me. It was short. And without having any expectations, I was still let down. I stood there behind him and watched the drag queens pointlessly lip-sync to bad songs and taking money from strangers stuffing the dollar bills into their "cleavage". And I looked at him, hoping he would say something more. I don't exactly know what, but something. But he didn't. And the drag show bored me. So I told him to "Please call me sometime, I haven't talked to you in a while." "Yeah, I will." (And in that statement, I hoped he was telling the truth, I want to talk to him so badly, I want to hear a different ring-tone and say, "Who the hell is that?" and look at my phone and smile again, like I used to.) And with my tail between my legs (why? I don't know), I went outside and desperately tried to find someone to talk to. Justin, Aric, Will. No one answered. And on the verge of tears, I went inside to try and find Brian and Mark, hoping they would be ready to go. I followed them outside and we prepared to leave. And I tried my best not to sob at Brothers, I tried not to be THAT person. And as we walked out of the building (and Mark went back to get Brian), I called Justin again. And when he asked me why I had called him, the reason walked out the door. He looked at me and then looked away and walked with his friends. I said again, "Hey, call me", and he again said that he would. And all I wanted to do was leave that place as fast as we could. We left Brothers and I managed to keep my composure and not cry at all.
The truth is that I'm embarassed by myself. I'm embarassed that I would do that. I don't even know if it's appropriate to blame the alcohol, it's a bad excuse. Either way, I don't know what to think of it all. I thought I was done, but I'm not. And I can't tell if that's good or bad.