Meh day
Now that I'm calmer than before, I suppose I should go over what all happened today. Well, the past few days.
All I really remember about yesterday is that I was at Marsh's for about half of it (sleepover, which I oddly enough remember well), then came home, LJ'd, went for food, and talked with a friend about something going on at his school. And that's IT. I have no distinct memories, either; I just vaguely know what happened. And I'm pretty sure more happened than that.
This morning... I had a break down of some sort. I dunno if it was nervous or mental or what, but I just... stopped functioning. It was after I got yelled at by dad for not feeding the horses and lying to him about it (which I honestly don't remember if I did or didn't. I know I said I had, but I really don't remember much else) and eating about half of my still-cold breakfast. Then I just... broke.
I was crying without really crying, if that makes any sense. I was angry and scared and way too many other feelings at once... then I went empty. Just -empty-. I couldn't feel anything inside me. Not like a hungry empty just... there was nothing there. And that REALLY scared me. I don't think I felt that bad since the last time I considered suicide.
Oddest thing was, I wasn't really suicidal. I guess that's good, but it's not logical, so it kinda bugs me. =|
Then... I kinda calmed down, went numb. And took a nap. I'd slept til noon (12 hours total) and then my nap on top of it.. and I'm still kinda tired. Just staying on to talk to my friends for a bit. After my nap, I came back on and LJed (the earlier one) and ate dinner, actually fed the horses (heh), and listened to music... just generally was bored. And now I'm LJing.
What sticks in my mind most is the fact I don't really remember last night... The last thing I need is to start blocking shit out. My mind is bad enough as is...
I really need to find someone I actually believe knows what they're talking about, and start getting some help for this. >.o
All I really remember about yesterday is that I was at Marsh's for about half of it (sleepover, which I oddly enough remember well), then came home, LJ'd, went for food, and talked with a friend about something going on at his school. And that's IT. I have no distinct memories, either; I just vaguely know what happened. And I'm pretty sure more happened than that.
This morning... I had a break down of some sort. I dunno if it was nervous or mental or what, but I just... stopped functioning. It was after I got yelled at by dad for not feeding the horses and lying to him about it (which I honestly don't remember if I did or didn't. I know I said I had, but I really don't remember much else) and eating about half of my still-cold breakfast. Then I just... broke.
I was crying without really crying, if that makes any sense. I was angry and scared and way too many other feelings at once... then I went empty. Just -empty-. I couldn't feel anything inside me. Not like a hungry empty just... there was nothing there. And that REALLY scared me. I don't think I felt that bad since the last time I considered suicide.
Oddest thing was, I wasn't really suicidal. I guess that's good, but it's not logical, so it kinda bugs me. =|
Then... I kinda calmed down, went numb. And took a nap. I'd slept til noon (12 hours total) and then my nap on top of it.. and I'm still kinda tired. Just staying on to talk to my friends for a bit. After my nap, I came back on and LJed (the earlier one) and ate dinner, actually fed the horses (heh), and listened to music... just generally was bored. And now I'm LJing.
What sticks in my mind most is the fact I don't really remember last night... The last thing I need is to start blocking shit out. My mind is bad enough as is...
I really need to find someone I actually believe knows what they're talking about, and start getting some help for this. >.o