found on craigslist
> Hey Crackhead
>
>
> Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST
>
>
>
> Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
> girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the
> tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no
> idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was
> untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone
> awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag
> riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
>
> Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket
> that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they
> replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They
> explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you
> break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke
> crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this
> is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR
> crackpipes, and I get angry again.
>
> Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home
> from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my
> face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place
> overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike
> as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to
> ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop,
> I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and
> a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths
> once crossed briefly in the night.
>
> But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You
> couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of
> a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest
> on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough
> for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
>
> This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
> found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
> right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I
> had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought -
> having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no,
> the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So
> I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm
> socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive
> ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a
> 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on
> me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me
> $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a
> 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet.
> And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And
> besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's
> probably not worth it to take it back now."
>
> OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done
> me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally
> understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite
> addictive. What I don't understand is,
>
> YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
>
> I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for
> a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the
> main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing
> you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other
> crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you
> used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why
> not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much
> thought into this, have you?
>
> Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
> crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be
> that stupid.
>
> I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be
> tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead -
> specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and
> you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me,
> and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post
> instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely,
> that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed
> at you dude.
>
> Here are my options as I see them:
>
> 1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
> poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that
> one, it was his idea.
>
> 2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison.
> This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable
> crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like
> anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
>
> 3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
> mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
> sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
> balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
>
> In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and
> buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
> experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think
> about it.
>
> Sincerely,
> Matt
>
> *** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please
> disregard this posting ***
>
>
> Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST
>
>
>
> Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
> girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the
> tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no
> idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was
> untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone
> awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag
> riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
>
> Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket
> that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they
> replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They
> explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you
> break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke
> crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this
> is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR
> crackpipes, and I get angry again.
>
> Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home
> from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my
> face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place
> overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike
> as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to
> ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop,
> I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and
> a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths
> once crossed briefly in the night.
>
> But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You
> couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of
> a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest
> on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough
> for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
>
> This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
> found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
> right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I
> had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought -
> having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no,
> the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So
> I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm
> socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive
> ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a
> 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on
> me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me
> $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a
> 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet.
> And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And
> besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's
> probably not worth it to take it back now."
>
> OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done
> me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally
> understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite
> addictive. What I don't understand is,
>
> YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
>
> I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for
> a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the
> main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing
> you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other
> crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you
> used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why
> not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much
> thought into this, have you?
>
> Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
> crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be
> that stupid.
>
> I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be
> tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead -
> specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and
> you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me,
> and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post
> instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely,
> that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed
> at you dude.
>
> Here are my options as I see them:
>
> 1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
> poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that
> one, it was his idea.
>
> 2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison.
> This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable
> crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like
> anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
>
> 3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
> mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
> sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
> balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
>
> In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and
> buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
> experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think
> about it.
>
> Sincerely,
> Matt
>
> *** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please
> disregard this posting ***