Hardware woes
So I struggled with my hard drive all night, and Dad struggled with it all morning, and we eventually resolved that it was just defective. He took it back to Staples and they gave him a new one, and it apparently works.
I installed a sound card that Dad had lying on a shelf, and it also appears to be defective. While at Staples, he bought a new one, and I'm about to shut down and try again to upgrade. Needless to say, this has been a frustrating day.