Control.
"what happened? all the times with Jesse and Mike! Breaking the bed, smearing a hotdog all over the walls, getting molested while I was stuck outside...
Prostitutes for Halloween! Our cooking, religion shows, SIMS: 69, sex machine...
im really sad we grew up. honestly. and now i think i will be done writing here for a while because no one cares. it gets pretty obnoxious.
I miss the way things were before I started drinking and smoking. I miss having a high on life - a constant adrenaline rush. I miss how the simplest things meant the world, and now any plan is consisted of alcohol and weed. Nothing more and nothing less than that. I know I don't do it a lot, but sometimes after an event of being trashed or ripped out of my mind I wonder what else I could have done with those "blank" hours instead of the usual laughing, eating, and starring out into space.
I started talking to an old friend who really got me re-thinking on the whole "stereotypical lifestyle." Anytime I think past (Beyond Keaton, beyond Thomas and beyond high school.) I start to cry. I usually don't cry in front of strangers but as I tried to explain to this old friend exactly what was going on and how I felt I couldn't help but start watering up. It effects me that bad that I want to cry.
I talked to Lindsay about some new motivation to why I don't want to do it anymore. She never really told me how concerned she was when I'd go out and do that stuff but that itself was even more motivation to not be involved with it. Sometimes, I wish I had friends who'd openly express their concern or fear. Just a simple sentence made me not want to do it again. It seems that our group has been consumed into drinking and smoking - which is fine, but when we can't even get the group together just to go see a movie without someone mentioning how they wished they were drunk or stoned it get's pretty hard to stay close to them.
Another person told me I was a hypocrite for wanting a change, to stop, to quit, whatever. I don't think I am. I was absolutely against it, Keaton persuaded me into trying for the "sake of our relationship" ( I know, what a wonderful reason. ) and I got kind of hooked on it. But for me choosing to not do it any longer is my own personal feeling and my own personal benefit which I don't believe is a problem.
Lately I haven't been feeling so great living in Milwaukie. Nothing to do with boredom and the lack it has to offer, but the fact that this isn't the place where I'll be benifiting from. This isn't where I'm going to be making money, starting a new life from highschool and such and such. The problems that I'm dealing with myself now are all within my roots and the people I've grown up with. And until I'm out of here or in a place where I can call it home (Since at this point it's just not feeling all too comforting) things are going to persist. I am not ditching or leaving my friends - I love them to dearly and we have all been through too much to up and leave it all, but I am more than positive that when I am an adult and finished with college Milwaukie won't be my place.
Prostitutes for Halloween! Our cooking, religion shows, SIMS: 69, sex machine...
im really sad we grew up. honestly. and now i think i will be done writing here for a while because no one cares. it gets pretty obnoxious.
I miss the way things were before I started drinking and smoking. I miss having a high on life - a constant adrenaline rush. I miss how the simplest things meant the world, and now any plan is consisted of alcohol and weed. Nothing more and nothing less than that. I know I don't do it a lot, but sometimes after an event of being trashed or ripped out of my mind I wonder what else I could have done with those "blank" hours instead of the usual laughing, eating, and starring out into space.
I started talking to an old friend who really got me re-thinking on the whole "stereotypical lifestyle." Anytime I think past (Beyond Keaton, beyond Thomas and beyond high school.) I start to cry. I usually don't cry in front of strangers but as I tried to explain to this old friend exactly what was going on and how I felt I couldn't help but start watering up. It effects me that bad that I want to cry.
I talked to Lindsay about some new motivation to why I don't want to do it anymore. She never really told me how concerned she was when I'd go out and do that stuff but that itself was even more motivation to not be involved with it. Sometimes, I wish I had friends who'd openly express their concern or fear. Just a simple sentence made me not want to do it again. It seems that our group has been consumed into drinking and smoking - which is fine, but when we can't even get the group together just to go see a movie without someone mentioning how they wished they were drunk or stoned it get's pretty hard to stay close to them.
Another person told me I was a hypocrite for wanting a change, to stop, to quit, whatever. I don't think I am. I was absolutely against it, Keaton persuaded me into trying for the "sake of our relationship" ( I know, what a wonderful reason. ) and I got kind of hooked on it. But for me choosing to not do it any longer is my own personal feeling and my own personal benefit which I don't believe is a problem.
Lately I haven't been feeling so great living in Milwaukie. Nothing to do with boredom and the lack it has to offer, but the fact that this isn't the place where I'll be benifiting from. This isn't where I'm going to be making money, starting a new life from highschool and such and such. The problems that I'm dealing with myself now are all within my roots and the people I've grown up with. And until I'm out of here or in a place where I can call it home (Since at this point it's just not feeling all too comforting) things are going to persist. I am not ditching or leaving my friends - I love them to dearly and we have all been through too much to up and leave it all, but I am more than positive that when I am an adult and finished with college Milwaukie won't be my place.