A real winner, I am.
I want a baby. I really do. I know it sounds completely moronic given my current situation, but I still want at least 2 more children. I love them to death and I love when they're babies... Unconditional love at it's finest, so dependent, yet they don't need much. No high priced fancy toys, no designer clothes, no bullshit. Your love and attention is pretty much it for a few months.
I understand the requirements for having a child, I'm not stupid, I know I can't make it happen on my own. And it makes me think... probably too much. I love my wife. I really, truly do and honestly always will. Our marriage fell apart because of the fact that in seven years she hasn't even begun to take down her wall to trust me and the fact that I can't accept love. Even though I am constantly striving for love and acceptance, when I felt like I had it, I rejected it. And in the back of mind I qualified this rejection with reasons why it can't be true. So now it's been damaged beyond repair.
And I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. I look at Ani and I think, wow, she's beautiful. I lucked out. How did someone like her settle for a chump like me? She doesn't see it because her own emotional issues, but it's there. I swear to you on my mother that once she resolves her emotional issues and gets healthy, she's going to be a real catch. And when she meets some great guy later on, I'm probably going to be angry that we couldn't fix ourselves within our relationship. And I think about me... and I wonder if I'm even fixable... or am I even worth fixing?
I use my camouflage to sustain the one meaningful friendship I have (which is very easily on life support, becoming more and more shallow as time rolls on). And I use it to create these phony, shallow, meaningless friendships with people I barely know. Mostly dudes I used to know in high school. I feel like this facade will only take me so far. It only hides the pain of losing her for so long. And when it's gone, I'm going to have to deal with the reality and gravity of my decisions. Past and present. What then?
So, it makes me wonder how or IF I'm going to be able to make my dream come true. Some people want to be rock stars, some people want to be firemen or doctors or police officers. I want to be super dad. Of course I would love to have the means to take care of all these imaginary children I want, but, I would be just as happy just hanging with my kids all day. I don't feel like I can be shown any greater love than that of my kids... maybe it just hasn't happened yet. I don't know.
How can I feel so loved by my kids and yet reject the love of others? How does that work? I just feel so unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. Incomplete. Like there's this hole in me that I can't fill no matter how hard I try. How do I allow myself to move on? How do I allow anyone else inside my little castle? How do I take off my mask in front of anyone else ever again? Also, how the fuck do I not make these same mistakes over and over again? What will my life look like a year from now? This is all I have been thinking about today, over and over as always. My brain is like the catchy song on the radio... you know all the lyrics that go through your head over and over and over... and then the chorus hits (I catch on to a new thought) and then that's all you can think about. Ugh.
I understand the requirements for having a child, I'm not stupid, I know I can't make it happen on my own. And it makes me think... probably too much. I love my wife. I really, truly do and honestly always will. Our marriage fell apart because of the fact that in seven years she hasn't even begun to take down her wall to trust me and the fact that I can't accept love. Even though I am constantly striving for love and acceptance, when I felt like I had it, I rejected it. And in the back of mind I qualified this rejection with reasons why it can't be true. So now it's been damaged beyond repair.
And I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. I look at Ani and I think, wow, she's beautiful. I lucked out. How did someone like her settle for a chump like me? She doesn't see it because her own emotional issues, but it's there. I swear to you on my mother that once she resolves her emotional issues and gets healthy, she's going to be a real catch. And when she meets some great guy later on, I'm probably going to be angry that we couldn't fix ourselves within our relationship. And I think about me... and I wonder if I'm even fixable... or am I even worth fixing?
I use my camouflage to sustain the one meaningful friendship I have (which is very easily on life support, becoming more and more shallow as time rolls on). And I use it to create these phony, shallow, meaningless friendships with people I barely know. Mostly dudes I used to know in high school. I feel like this facade will only take me so far. It only hides the pain of losing her for so long. And when it's gone, I'm going to have to deal with the reality and gravity of my decisions. Past and present. What then?
So, it makes me wonder how or IF I'm going to be able to make my dream come true. Some people want to be rock stars, some people want to be firemen or doctors or police officers. I want to be super dad. Of course I would love to have the means to take care of all these imaginary children I want, but, I would be just as happy just hanging with my kids all day. I don't feel like I can be shown any greater love than that of my kids... maybe it just hasn't happened yet. I don't know.
How can I feel so loved by my kids and yet reject the love of others? How does that work? I just feel so unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. Incomplete. Like there's this hole in me that I can't fill no matter how hard I try. How do I allow myself to move on? How do I allow anyone else inside my little castle? How do I take off my mask in front of anyone else ever again? Also, how the fuck do I not make these same mistakes over and over again? What will my life look like a year from now? This is all I have been thinking about today, over and over as always. My brain is like the catchy song on the radio... you know all the lyrics that go through your head over and over and over... and then the chorus hits (I catch on to a new thought) and then that's all you can think about. Ugh.