Keeping it together...
Well not really. From the get-go today its been a really bad day.
Full of anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, etc, etc... The list goes on and on. I'm really trying to keep things cool and together and my head on my damn shoulders. But as I roll along it seems like the worse it gets. I think the next few months are going to be very, VERY rough on me personally. Probably rough on every, but I just feel like I have so much more plopped down on my shoulders that it's just going to eventually hold me under long enough that when I finally do break free of it, I will have that feeling when you touch the bottom of the deep end and try to make it back up for air... as soon as my face hits the surface it's going to be the most insane feeling and the first nice deep breath in a long time.
I just think it's a combination of me trying to hash everything out at once. Maybe I should slow it down. My brain is Grand Central Station right now and all these trains are coming in at the same time and none of them have brakes.
I think what makes it worse is the fact that I feel so alone in everything. Like, everyone has their own shit to worry about and is too busy doing their thing. It just hurts because I've *almost* ALWAYS been there for them. Helped when I could, and found help for them when I couldn't. I guess I've always believed things would come full circle and am a little disappointed to find out that haven't or won't. I know I'm not perfect or anything, but I feel like when it comes to my family and close friends, I've done the right thing by them and been a good dude to them.
I don't know, maybe we'll see as things come to a head here.
But... Maybe it's also time for an agonizing reappraisal of the whole situation.
Maybe it's time to start fucking firing anyone and everyone in my life except my kids and start with a clean slate.
Maybe I'm over-reacting off a terrible day. Who fucking knows? I reckon we'll find out soon enough, eh?
Full of anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, etc, etc... The list goes on and on. I'm really trying to keep things cool and together and my head on my damn shoulders. But as I roll along it seems like the worse it gets. I think the next few months are going to be very, VERY rough on me personally. Probably rough on every, but I just feel like I have so much more plopped down on my shoulders that it's just going to eventually hold me under long enough that when I finally do break free of it, I will have that feeling when you touch the bottom of the deep end and try to make it back up for air... as soon as my face hits the surface it's going to be the most insane feeling and the first nice deep breath in a long time.
I just think it's a combination of me trying to hash everything out at once. Maybe I should slow it down. My brain is Grand Central Station right now and all these trains are coming in at the same time and none of them have brakes.
I think what makes it worse is the fact that I feel so alone in everything. Like, everyone has their own shit to worry about and is too busy doing their thing. It just hurts because I've *almost* ALWAYS been there for them. Helped when I could, and found help for them when I couldn't. I guess I've always believed things would come full circle and am a little disappointed to find out that haven't or won't. I know I'm not perfect or anything, but I feel like when it comes to my family and close friends, I've done the right thing by them and been a good dude to them.
I don't know, maybe we'll see as things come to a head here.
But... Maybe it's also time for an agonizing reappraisal of the whole situation.
Maybe it's time to start fucking firing anyone and everyone in my life except my kids and start with a clean slate.
Maybe I'm over-reacting off a terrible day. Who fucking knows? I reckon we'll find out soon enough, eh?