Back to Myself
A new day dawned, and I regained my normally sunny disposition. This was in no small part due to my cool friends and family sending me words of love and support, and some astringent, "get your head out of your ass" comments too, which were just as appropriate.
I composed my last post under the covers in a dark room while fighting off a migraine. When I got up, Gillian greeted me by throwing up tomato soup all over the rug. And you know what? It made me feel better. It took me out of my head. When I finally got around to writing my post, I wasn't feeling so down, but every time I thought about the words, I felt like crying, so it was still in me and I wanted it out. I tend to want to cover up and apologize for bad feelings. I feel ugly talking about them. But they are legitimate, so I decided to acknowledge them.
However, as I said, I don't like hand-wringing. Bringing up negative feelings is Ok as long as that is followed by an effort to fix the problem and do something positive. So here, for those who are interested, is my plan.
For my physical improvement:
Today I had a massage, thanks to rt_hon_rackman's sister Li. Tomorrow I'm getting back on my exercise program that I've pretty much blown the last two months. (I'd rather do those in reverse order, but I'll take a massage any time I can get one.) And I'm going to get my diet organized. I didn't gain any weight over the holidays, but I've been eating crap. And I'm going off caffeine. I usually only use it for migraines, but I got myself addicted to Cappuccino Blasts (aka crack), and they gotta go.
Oh, and lots of marital relations.
For my mental improvement:
I am going to read some improving books, starting by finishing the biography of Benjamin Franklin on my bedstand and then Seamus Heany's translation of Beowulf. (I'm already reading for fun. I'm almost done with Roger Zelazny's Amber series.) Any suggestions you all might have for improving books would be welcome. By "improving," I mean interesting, challenging, requiring thought, and something I'm not likely to pick up on my own.
Also, I think I'll take a class. Photography is at the top of the list. I've taken some here before and enjoyed them. Guitar and Spanish are my next choices. We'll see what I can afford and schedule.
For my spiritual improvement:
I'm going to garden like crazy this weekend. My poor gardens have been ignored far too long. I've got lots of work to get done before February when things really start to grow. One of the prices one pays for a year-long growing season is year-round work. But I love getting out and working in the dirt. It's like riding a horse, in that it is completely without words. It helps me get that Zen-like feeling of being in touch with myself, and simultaneously out of myself.
rt_hon_rackman and sweet Gilly-zen heal my spirit every day.
Your responses to my post were also part of my spiritual healing. My heartfelt thanks to you all.
Oh, and I also feel better because I had a dream with Mick and Keith in it. I ended up lying on Keith's hotel room bed, mixing music for him in a big boom-box. He said he liked my taste in music. I said "coming from you, that's a huge compliment." We slept together. But no sex. (Why, god, will you not let me have sex with them in my dreams? rt_hon_rackman doesn't mind. I've had dream sex with Freakin' "Howlin' Mad" Murdoch of the A-Team, for fuck's sake. [In case you're wondering, he's good in the sack.] But never the Stones. It's not fair.) When we woke up, I told him he had a shitty hotel room because it was too close to the road and the car noise was coming in.
So there it is; my outline for getting over myself. I'll keep you posted on how it works.
I've just read some journal entries from some of you who have real problems, not just weltschmertz. My thoughts are with you guys as you live your way through some of the hard bits.
I composed my last post under the covers in a dark room while fighting off a migraine. When I got up, Gillian greeted me by throwing up tomato soup all over the rug. And you know what? It made me feel better. It took me out of my head. When I finally got around to writing my post, I wasn't feeling so down, but every time I thought about the words, I felt like crying, so it was still in me and I wanted it out. I tend to want to cover up and apologize for bad feelings. I feel ugly talking about them. But they are legitimate, so I decided to acknowledge them.
However, as I said, I don't like hand-wringing. Bringing up negative feelings is Ok as long as that is followed by an effort to fix the problem and do something positive. So here, for those who are interested, is my plan.
For my physical improvement:
Today I had a massage, thanks to rt_hon_rackman's sister Li. Tomorrow I'm getting back on my exercise program that I've pretty much blown the last two months. (I'd rather do those in reverse order, but I'll take a massage any time I can get one.) And I'm going to get my diet organized. I didn't gain any weight over the holidays, but I've been eating crap. And I'm going off caffeine. I usually only use it for migraines, but I got myself addicted to Cappuccino Blasts (aka crack), and they gotta go.
Oh, and lots of marital relations.
For my mental improvement:
I am going to read some improving books, starting by finishing the biography of Benjamin Franklin on my bedstand and then Seamus Heany's translation of Beowulf. (I'm already reading for fun. I'm almost done with Roger Zelazny's Amber series.) Any suggestions you all might have for improving books would be welcome. By "improving," I mean interesting, challenging, requiring thought, and something I'm not likely to pick up on my own.
Also, I think I'll take a class. Photography is at the top of the list. I've taken some here before and enjoyed them. Guitar and Spanish are my next choices. We'll see what I can afford and schedule.
For my spiritual improvement:
I'm going to garden like crazy this weekend. My poor gardens have been ignored far too long. I've got lots of work to get done before February when things really start to grow. One of the prices one pays for a year-long growing season is year-round work. But I love getting out and working in the dirt. It's like riding a horse, in that it is completely without words. It helps me get that Zen-like feeling of being in touch with myself, and simultaneously out of myself.
rt_hon_rackman and sweet Gilly-zen heal my spirit every day.
Your responses to my post were also part of my spiritual healing. My heartfelt thanks to you all.
Oh, and I also feel better because I had a dream with Mick and Keith in it. I ended up lying on Keith's hotel room bed, mixing music for him in a big boom-box. He said he liked my taste in music. I said "coming from you, that's a huge compliment." We slept together. But no sex. (Why, god, will you not let me have sex with them in my dreams? rt_hon_rackman doesn't mind. I've had dream sex with Freakin' "Howlin' Mad" Murdoch of the A-Team, for fuck's sake. [In case you're wondering, he's good in the sack.] But never the Stones. It's not fair.) When we woke up, I told him he had a shitty hotel room because it was too close to the road and the car noise was coming in.
So there it is; my outline for getting over myself. I'll keep you posted on how it works.
I've just read some journal entries from some of you who have real problems, not just weltschmertz. My thoughts are with you guys as you live your way through some of the hard bits.