Dumping Ground
I usually use this journal as a way to interact with my friends, and I like it that way. But some of you use your journals more like journals, to write down very personal thoughts and emotions. I admire that, and I’m going to do that now, because I need a place to dump. Rawness below the cut.
Have you ever had days when you felt sunk in your own incompetence? I’m having one of those. Everyone I know seems smarter than me, more talented, more eloquent, better at writing, better read, better informed, better at raising their children, more successful in their chosen field. Everyone seems to be having more fun, more sex, more fullness in their lives.
I feel, in a word, inadequate.
In a few more words, I feel uninspired, unintelligent, unattractive, unmotivated, untruthful, unloved (that’s not fair to you, rt_hon_rackman; let’s just say I feel insufficiently loved for my current need), financially retarded, harried, fat, physically and mentally out of shape, slow, selfish, and stuck. I feel average.
I have always felt that I had to chase the people I wanted to be with. All my life, I have not been the one people chose to hang out with; I chose to hang out with them. This has gotten me some super-cool friends, but sometimes I gotta wonder what the hell they are gaining from the relationship.
Is this a load of violin playing? Damn right. And I was going to apologize for it. I was going to top from the bottom (or maybe bottom from the top) and say “you shouldn’t feel obliged to respond to this,” or “sorry for the self-absorbed nonsense.” But fuck it. This is the way I’m feeling, and I wanted to lay it out. You are adults and my friends, and you’ll do what you think is right no matter what I say.
I have a whole bunch of more reader-friendly posts in my head, which I have been wanting to post and will get to soon. I’m not a fan of hand-wringing, and this is uncomfortable for me, but this is what is on my mind right now, so it gets priority. Back to the fun when I’ve had some sleep.
Have you ever had days when you felt sunk in your own incompetence? I’m having one of those. Everyone I know seems smarter than me, more talented, more eloquent, better at writing, better read, better informed, better at raising their children, more successful in their chosen field. Everyone seems to be having more fun, more sex, more fullness in their lives.
I feel, in a word, inadequate.
In a few more words, I feel uninspired, unintelligent, unattractive, unmotivated, untruthful, unloved (that’s not fair to you, rt_hon_rackman; let’s just say I feel insufficiently loved for my current need), financially retarded, harried, fat, physically and mentally out of shape, slow, selfish, and stuck. I feel average.
I have always felt that I had to chase the people I wanted to be with. All my life, I have not been the one people chose to hang out with; I chose to hang out with them. This has gotten me some super-cool friends, but sometimes I gotta wonder what the hell they are gaining from the relationship.
Is this a load of violin playing? Damn right. And I was going to apologize for it. I was going to top from the bottom (or maybe bottom from the top) and say “you shouldn’t feel obliged to respond to this,” or “sorry for the self-absorbed nonsense.” But fuck it. This is the way I’m feeling, and I wanted to lay it out. You are adults and my friends, and you’ll do what you think is right no matter what I say.
I have a whole bunch of more reader-friendly posts in my head, which I have been wanting to post and will get to soon. I’m not a fan of hand-wringing, and this is uncomfortable for me, but this is what is on my mind right now, so it gets priority. Back to the fun when I’ve had some sleep.