What am I doing?
There are times when I wonder, "What the heck am I doing out here?" I suppose everyone has these little bouts of self-doubt now and again, and I would assume that they're equally unpleasant for everyone. I think that in my case, it's mostly that there' s just so much to get done, that it's really overwhelming and that's what's creating this little clouds of doubt. The best thing, I guess, is to stop trying to look at the whole picture at once; That's when it gets too big, and too scary, and the worry and anxieties start creeping in. When I can look at things as one project at a time, things get a little easier.
The other problem is trying to decide which projects are the most important, and what order they need to be done in. Sometimes (often) there are things that are equally important, but they have to be done in a particular order to succeed. Clutter, I think, is my worst enemy; Clutter in the physical world creates clutter in the mind, and that in turn creates all the other problems. Clutter makes one feel helpless, for there is too much stuff all piled up, and once again we get back to the "overwhelming scenario."
Another issue is not knowing where to turn for help, or who to ask. There are people out there with the answers, but finding them can be tricky and sometimes getting them to part with the information is even trickier. I followed a web-link earlier today, against my better judgement. However, the link was something that I was interested in, and since it wasn't porn, was probably safe to follow. ;) As it turned out, it was your typical flash-and-scam (IMO) website; Snake-oil salesmen brought into the 21st century by the might and magic of the Internet. The promised information was never really revealed, but "send $29.95 (plus shipping and handling fees) for my awesome book, and I'll give you the secrets!" Of course there are lots of letters from actual people who have bought the magical tome and wrote it to tell about how in changed their lives.
I hate crap like that. I honestly, truthfully, completely and utterly hate it.
If you're going to try to sell me your "magic book of secrets" just be honest about it. Don't give me all the splash and dance and BS sales-pitches. Frankly, if your book was that awesome, I'm sure Oprah would have had it on her show, or it would be on a best-sellers list somewhere. Of course, they never reveal the actual cost until they've got you so suckered in that you'd sell your Grandmother's soul to get the stupid thing. In this case, I just made up that forementioned "$29.95" price; I never got as far as checking the price before I closed the page in disgust. In all likelihood, it was probably even higher. :P
I'm rambling here, and I apologize for it, but the last several days have been very busy and yet it seems we're not getting anywhere. Again, so much to do, and there's just no end to it. Winning the lottery would certainly help, because then I could afford to hire professionals to get a lot of the fixer-upper tasks done so that I could concentrate on the work that supposed to be generating income. I think a lot of my anxieties and worries will fade away once we start seeing a more positive cash-flow. Starting a business, even a small one, can be a daunting task and all the red-ink in the first weeks (months? years?) of operation can be downright scary.
On a more positive note... As much as I hated to do it, on Sunday the kidling and I completed a long put-off task; surrounding Bonnie and Charles' paddock with an electric-fence wire. Bonnie has been pushing the corral-panels around by leaning into them, which makes a huge mess of things and has devastated large chunks of the lawn. On top of that, she's getting fat enough to look like she's pregnant! In any case, we got the hot-wire set up along the inside of the paddock, and hooked it up to a solar-powered fence-charger. Bonnie took a jolt across the chest which was obviously unpleasant, but didn't seem to overly scare her. She just avoids the fence now, which is exactly the idea. Charles wasn't so lucky; he went up to the fence and sniffed at it. His reward was a sharp crackling zap!! on the nose, which made him jump and take off in the other direction! Again, no real harm done and he is avoiding the fence, but I couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him.
We've also managed to get a bunch of rose bushes that my Mom sent from Calgary planted. Whether or not they'll survive is yet to be seen, but at least they're in the ground now. On the gardening thread; this morning Trixstir and I weeded the flower-bed on the north side of the pump-house, and also built a "bed box" from some of the salvaged 2x6's. The result is a much neater flower-bed, and the entire area looks better as a result. The kidling and I trimmed a lot of the high grass along the driveway, but there's still a great deal more to be done. It looks a lot better now, and it will look better yet when it's finished. I just wish that we could harvest the stuff, as there's a shortgage of hay this year and the cuttings are all going to waste. I hate wasting anything, which is a large part of why there's so much darn clutter around here! *sigh*
Back to the positives again: It was a wonderful evening tonight; the temperature was a balmy 27c (about 80f) and the sky was clear and blue. The moon had risen in the south-east, and the sun was setting in the north-west in a great shimmering reddish-orange ball. Crickets were chirping in the background, and several birds were calling around the farm. The foxes are back again, and one of the cheeky little devils climbed up on top of the gravel pile and sat there, as if it were playing "King of the Mountain!" They seem to be healthy, and I hope that it's been a good diet and mice, rats, and gophers that have been helping them along. The deer are still wandering about as well, and it's always a treat to see them (so long as they aren't nibbling on my plants!)
The peace and serenity out here; the closeness to Nature, the clean crisp air, and the abundance of stars at night...
That's what I'm doing out here...