A Religious View of Horses - Part II
Just a quick explanation first. I found these old writings while cleaning up and packing for our move. I wrote the following 21 years ago, when I was 17 years old and in Grade 12. I was raised a Roman Catholic, and as such I went to a Roman Catholic school. Religious Studies was a required course, and one that I actually greatly enjoyed. To this day, I enjoy a good theological discussion, so long as the other party is willing to actually have a discussion, and not merely preach at me. In any case, the class was asked to write an essay on the following topic: "To be Human is to be Hungry" As you may notice from the date, this was written about a month after Part I. It should also be noted that I had just broken up with my first crush, and the experience was, well... crushing... It would take another 17 years (yeesh, a full lifetime when you think about it!) but I eventually did find my soulmate. The following is copied verbatim from the original text, including any errors in spelling, typos, or grammar, and the text in bold italics at the bottom is the teacher's response to what I had written. Enjoy...
March 17, 1987
To be Human is to be Hungry
Have you ever felt that deep, hollow, empty space that seems to well up within your very heart? it feels as if someone had (sometimes brutally) removed something that was essential to you. You become melancholy, and depressed, the whole world seems to turn cold and grey. I know this feeling well for I have felt it many times. It is caused by a yearning for companionship. More often than not, it is a companionship which you know you can never have, or worse, which you have had, and was brutally torn away from you.
From my own experience, I can testify that this feeling is all consuming. It takes control over your entire being, and makes you miserable. You feel withdrawn, as if you had been removed from humanity and were placed in a void. This may have be brought on by a someone whom you thought you loved, and were loved by, and then suddenly found out that they had been deceiving you. You feel cheap, and used. You vow never to love again, and crawl into your own little hole. But after a while, you hinger for human companionship overcomes you. You tear down your barriers and forge ahead, determined that true love shall succeed.
Armed with this powerful inspiration, you march out into the light, determined to find the true love destined for you. And then you find her. Unfortunately, while
you were moping around, someone else found her first and you come to realize that she's beyond your grasp. Still undaunted, you keep going, searching for the one you is right. After this goes on for a while, you begin to see that everyone who was "just right" has already been discovered. Now you have entered the second stage of the hunger, realizing that all you can do now is to look at the lucky ones around you, and wish that you could go back in time and change all of the stupid mistakes you made that put you here in the first place.
I do not know that this does to other people. perhaps it makes them even more determined, and they forge ahead even stronger than they had before. But for me, it causes the sufferings to become even deeper and more painful. Most people have the fortune that they are able to easily blend into a crowd and become part of the group. For me, this is at best very difficult, if not impossible. I simply do not fit in to the groups that most of my friends do. My friends all enjoy getting together for wild parties, with lots of beer and pizza and other "delights" that I have never even heard of. It is hard to talk with them because we use two different languages. They tend to use slang, while I tend to use as much proper grammar as possible - simply because that is the way that I was brought up. I simply do not fit in well with other people. And that makes me stand out, like some sort of blister on the human race. I feel that I do not belong. And I often wish that I were something else.
I once heard it said, "God bless the lower animals, for they do not fight and kill each other needlessly..." I have never heard a statement which I believe to be more true. I suppose that it is the reason that I am so fond of animals, especially horses. These great majestic creatures do not demand that a person fit their expectations. They simply want to be your friend, often going out of the way to do so. I come to them and immidietly fit in. I may not be a horse, but that doesn't seem to bother them. All they care about is that here is someone who wants to be with them, and give them some love and affection. In return, they give at least ten times as much love and affection back. I suppose some people would not understand my feelings, for even I find them a bit odd at times. But I think that if you were able to see these horses - to actually be amoungst them, and feel their happiness and content that a loving person gives them, and to feel totally at peace, as I do, then, and only then, could you even begin to understand mt feelings. Whenever I find myself feeling forlorn and miserable, I arrange to go and see these beautiful creatures, God's special gift to me, and all of the cold feelings of doubt and misery leave me. And I am left fullfilled, and happy. My spirit is at rest, and I am content, I feel that I can once again face the world at it's problems. And the best part is, I know that if I should stumble into the cold empty void of misery, that these wonderful creatures will be there to help lift me out. When I see these graceful animals, I see at least, a part of God in them.
10/10
You have indeed put your feelings down most eloquently. In terms of offering any advice I can only say that hunger is lifelong and the struggle (and it is often just that) to fill this hunger is lifelong as well - that's probably no consolation at all? I would only hope that the peace and contentment you find now with these special friends the horses will soon be found with some special friends.
Again, back to 2008... I am pleased to say (as I did earlier) that I did finally find my soulmate, and I have made many new friends since I wrote that essay back in 1987. Horses continue to be the love in my life, but that love is now shared with my family and friends. I do not feel that aching hunger any more, and while some days are better than others, and some days are worse, I know that my family and friends will be there. I really need to see if I can find my old Religious Studies teacher, and tell her how things have gone for me in the last 21 years. I've had a few teachers who have made great impacts on my life, and she was one of them.