right...
anyway so i went to camp and it sucked. it was cold and rainy and i got wet and it made me colder. im starting to understand how jill is frustrated with romeo cuz im the same with martha. we used to be winning at 2'9" and now im lucky if we dont fuck up at 2'3.. it sucks and i wish my horse was bigger so we could do better things. i also wish she was more reliable. i never know if shes gonna jump something or not and if she'll get the right strides. im aggravated that she acts this way. she used to be perfect. she never had a "bad" way... and now going to the right is her "bad" way. sometimes when we go that way she goes sideways and flips out. we could have a perfect round and at the end she always fucks up 1 thing. and it usually costs us a ribbon. i wish she was perfect. i also wish i was in hs so i could see my friends again. ive lost touch with them and its sad cuz theyre the coolest ppl eveeeerrr.. i might chill with davey and kat soon. maybe we'll go to dennys and have fun like we used to. i wish i had friends from ludden to talk to about how much it sucked and the good and bad times. like ISS and the park and tattoos and bri being 0-4 and being in the hospital for a while. i miss talking about cars and knowing more than my guy friends and bringing alcohol to class and drinking it all day or just in my car at 8am then going into homeroom. skipping school and ducking down so the gym teacher cant see us, not like hed care anyway. wearing these supercool superskanky skirts to school everyday and having guys check me out:) yea thats sweet. i really do miss my friends tho. like erica, bryan, bri, kat, davey... i dont wanna say this but i kinda miss sam too. she gave us something to talk about and we could make fun of her cuz shes dumb. i miss kimmie having like every STD and mike wanting to see girls pee and paying laura $100 to see her pee. i miss poems with kat. psych class and father dan's class. ("dont throw things... ESPECIALLY at nuns!")burgerking in the morning and sometimes not coming back to school. getting around attendance policies. getting caught getting around them. being wasted in the ISS room. knowing and talking to like everyone. now i dont know anyone and im not a big talker. id rather talk little but say a lot, than to talk a lot but say little like some ppl i know. my mom tends to do that. it gets annoying. i guess my friends arent really who i thought they were. i thought wed always be together and have each other to help us through shit but i guess i was wrong. i might go to a different barn cuz june is getting insane. she yelled at leah and her mom for being there at 5:53 and said they cant be in her driveway till 6. thats bullshit. i wouldnt really miss it. my horse needs to jump so i need to go somewhere where the barn person isnt as insane. we might try norms. i wont have any friends there but i never really talk to anyone at fairview anyway.
so ive stopped caring. i dunno if anyones realized it. i speak my mind and i dont care if it offends anyone. im sick of not saying shit just cuz im afraid it will hurt them. people can be so naive sometimes and id like to show them cuz its stupid to think that this world is perfect. yea ppl fuck up, its part of life. i hate when ppl are all in other ppl's business, especially when its my business. like seriously. these are my thoughts stuck on a website, i never asked u to read it, i never asked u to care. i never asked u to see these words as more than just words on a page. i never asked u to apply this to ur lives and think "oh it says i act like this so that must mean i AM this" no acting and being are completely different. and my bf is amazing. hes showed me things that i couldnt see cuz i was already inside this. hes showed me from an outsiders view and i now see it. how it is, how ppl act. why ppl act like that. i dont completely agree with everything he says but most of it is true. hes a psych major. he knows a thing or two about ppl and behavoir. i do too. i like to observe ppl. not creepy stalker observe but u know. like watch them and how they treat ppl and how they act around different ppl and their level of eye contact... it really means a lot where ur eyes are when ur talking to someone. i get creeped out when ppl look me in the eye. in other countries its ok to touch ppl u dont really know and to show more affection and be closer to newly met ppl and to look ppl in the eye. i dunno why we freak out about it.
so whit is being warped. u cant honestly believe that what i write here is what i mean. its in the words. its what i say, not what i write. yes i said i need new friends. but by saying that it means that i wanna go out and meet new ppl and have fun with ppl other than the ppl i see cuz they dont always invite me places and im not always with them. i never said i wanted to get rid of my old friends. so next time u start calling me a bitch and flipping out, make sure that what u read is really what i meant. :)
so ive stopped caring. i dunno if anyones realized it. i speak my mind and i dont care if it offends anyone. im sick of not saying shit just cuz im afraid it will hurt them. people can be so naive sometimes and id like to show them cuz its stupid to think that this world is perfect. yea ppl fuck up, its part of life. i hate when ppl are all in other ppl's business, especially when its my business. like seriously. these are my thoughts stuck on a website, i never asked u to read it, i never asked u to care. i never asked u to see these words as more than just words on a page. i never asked u to apply this to ur lives and think "oh it says i act like this so that must mean i AM this" no acting and being are completely different. and my bf is amazing. hes showed me things that i couldnt see cuz i was already inside this. hes showed me from an outsiders view and i now see it. how it is, how ppl act. why ppl act like that. i dont completely agree with everything he says but most of it is true. hes a psych major. he knows a thing or two about ppl and behavoir. i do too. i like to observe ppl. not creepy stalker observe but u know. like watch them and how they treat ppl and how they act around different ppl and their level of eye contact... it really means a lot where ur eyes are when ur talking to someone. i get creeped out when ppl look me in the eye. in other countries its ok to touch ppl u dont really know and to show more affection and be closer to newly met ppl and to look ppl in the eye. i dunno why we freak out about it.
so whit is being warped. u cant honestly believe that what i write here is what i mean. its in the words. its what i say, not what i write. yes i said i need new friends. but by saying that it means that i wanna go out and meet new ppl and have fun with ppl other than the ppl i see cuz they dont always invite me places and im not always with them. i never said i wanted to get rid of my old friends. so next time u start calling me a bitch and flipping out, make sure that what u read is really what i meant. :)