[meta]: the nice guy phenomenon, and why it is a problem

[epistolic]

It's probably a bit strange for me to be posting this after not posting anything outside of fandom things for the past... year or so, but this is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently; so, here we go.

A couple of days ago, I became aware of The Nice Guy, a website which was set up by (presumably) a self-ordained Nice Guy. In

Comments

[geckoholic]

This, to a T. See, I've had three relationships so far, and never really encountered that problem. It's not until I got back into the dating thing after my last relationship, which lasted almost a decade, ended, and I'm ~stunned by how some guys seem to think. The outlook that finding someone attractive and telling them so should somehow gain them points towards getting laid is just... BZUH?! The guy I'm currently sort of dating -- or have been, I'm in the process of breaking it up, idek -- is one of those self-proclaimed nice guys. He claims he's such a good guy -- and then reacts like every other asshole out there, it's just that he doesn't see it at all and goes all ??? when I'm not happy with his bullcrap. And it's not even about wanting sex -- I'm pretty, errr... Say, I've probably got a guys's libido in that regard, lol, but that he also thinks he's somehow owed we do it the way HE wants because he's being so nice (which he's really not) and deserves to be serviced? IDEK.

I dunno, it seems to be it's something that cropped up during the last decade? I can't recall having that sort of attitude thrown at me when I was single the last time, but maybe that's because I was barely out of my teens then? I dunno. But boy, am I fed up with it. Is it out of style to simply, you know, treat a woman like another human being, not like a trophy and an automaton where you but in compliments and get sex in return? :/

[epistolic]

See that's just the thing! I think the problem is that these guys seem to think that we are the same as a car, or an expensive holiday: if you fork out the money, there isn't any reason why you shouldn't get your car or your holiday. But that doesn't apply to women. To be honest I think if a guy thinks he's a nice guy, then either he is, or he's the complete opposite and just tragically unaware.

I totally get you re: the "I want to have sex this way so we will do it". This is probably TMI but my boy is really into something that I'm not, or at least something I don't feel I'm ready to try just yet, and I've told him this repeatedly. But still he keeps trying to force it on me every time I'm with him. To the point where he will do it EVEN WHEN I HAVE EXPLICITLY SAID NO and I end up having to push him away or roll away or just generally yell at him. Why do guys think this is okay? Why do guys not understand that no means no? It's really sad :(

Yeah exactly! Surely it can't be that hard for guys to understand that, like them, we girls also think and feel and want and don't want certain things. The degree of ignorance, whether it's on purpose or not, is just astounding...

[geckoholic]

Yeah, that's probably comparable, indeed. They just somehow lost the knowledge that they're dealing with ANOTHER HUMAN BEING along the way, and ugh. That's a lot of things, but nice? Nope. Way off. And it is indeed astounding, just how good they are at ignoring the fact to shape the world so it fits them best, women included. Ugh.

[epistolic]

Yeah, it's sad and frustrating. It all just screams "I can't deal with rejection like a mature adult" to me.