Photographic Memories CH 4
One step forward... three steps back...
This was posted hastily so please forgive me!
Title: Photographic Memories
Pairings: Yoochun/Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slight Angst
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: I can already tell this will be too long for a One-Shot therefore I'm breaking it up into parts. I apologize for any confusion that may arise while reading. It should all make sense in the end.
Summary: Changmin's a Photographer who most want to save.
They don't talk about the kiss. In fact they don't talk at all. It's been almost a week and Yoochun hasn't called, he doesn't answer when Changmin calls and after the third voicemail Changmin tells him to grow up and hangs up.
He hides in his darkroom the following nights, printing pictures, trying everything humanly possible to forget about it. He thinks about the fashion show in Shanghai he's agreed to go to next month and the trip to Paris he plans to take in the fall. But as he pours more developer solution into the tray he can't escape the memories of Yoochun standing in the same exact spot. He can't forget the way he waited patiently, strumming with excitement for his creation to appear, like magic. Changmin squeezes his eyes tight and tries to concentrate but when he ruins his fifth photograph he slams the tray down in complete frustration and stands back, arms crossed as he breathes roughly through his nose.
He can't focus with Yoochun corrupting his thoughts. He can’t do his job when all he can think about is the kiss, the kiss that weakened his knees, the kiss that left stars in his eyes so blinding he could hardly drive home without running into something.
The kiss that's ruined everything and has reminded Changmin why meeting fun, interesting, complex people will always unravel him, will always unlock the deepest most vulnerable parts of his soul, will always hurt him, like everything else in his life.
"Damn it," he whispers as he shakes his head, pressing his fingertips to his eyes. "Goddamnit, Yoochun."
He can't stay there any more and as Changmin leaves he turns around briefly, looking at his equipment, the photos hanging on the wire, drying, the memory of Yoochun using the sponge to wipe his photograph dry and he wishes he never brought Yoochun down here. It was a mistake and it will never be the same.
He sighs, physically pained, and turns the light off.
Jaejoong looks at him with concern as he drinks his coffee, he licks his lips before he says what Changmin knows he's been hanging on to from the moment he met him at the café. "There's something wrong," he states and Changmin looks at him through his sunglasses, glad he can’t see just how bad it may possibly be.
He frowns and picks at the corner of a napkin, his drink ignored and cold in front of him. "I'm fine," he says and tries to smile but Jaejoong narrows his eyes and glares at him seeing past his rather pathetic attempt. Changmin sighs and starts chewing on his bottom lip, a habit he hasn't done in a very long time, and the start of it bothers him to a great extent. "How are you and Yunho doing?" he decides to change the subject.
Jaejoong finishes his coffee and sets the cup aside, he looks patient as he smiles, "We're doing very well," he says and suddenly brightens up quite brilliantly, "he wants to get rings," he tells him and Changmin's heart twists at his happiness.
"That's wonderful," Changmin smiles and suddenly, with alarming clarity and heart wrenching diligence feels a very strong and suffocating urge to run, "Look," he stands up and reaches in his pocket, pulling out some money, more than enough to cover the drinks, "I've got to go," he says and looks around for his bag, when he remembers he left it at home. His heart pounds against his chest and he can't breathe, Jaejoong gets to his feet surprised, his face twisted gracefully in confusion. Changmin needs to leave before the walls close in around and kill him. "I've. I've got to go," he apologizes and practically runs from the café.
Outside the sun shines bright and his lungs expand as he takes a deep breath that makes him dizzy.
"Changmin," Jaejoong appears in the doorway and he looks at him worried.
"I'm sorry but-" before he can finish he feels Jaejoong's arms wrap around him so tight he's forgotten what it feels like to know this kind of love.
Jaejoong holds him and Changmin lets him, the sun brilliant on his face and Jaejoong's comfort around his body in deep protection. "I'm here," he whispers and Changmin closes his eyes thankfully. When he sees himself and Yoochun in the doorway of his apartment, pressed against the frame, burned against his eyelids he lets out a strained cry.
"I've got to go," Changmin begs softly and pulls Jaejoong's arms from his neck. "I'll call you," he promises and walks away, he doesn't turn back but knows Jaejoong watches him until he can't see him anymore.
The next morning Changmin calls Yoochun against his better judgment. He's ignored Jaejoong's, doesn't call Junsu back when he leaves him voicemails and knows how utterly worried they both must be when Yunho begs him to call him back, just to let someone know he's ok.
But he's not ok and it's not just because Yoochun kissed him. It's so much more, it's the way Yoochun looks at him, sometimes so hungry Changmin wants to be devoured, so affectionately Changmin's heart jumps into his throat and he can't breathe. How he talks to him, the way they joke and flirt and have more fun than Changmin's had in such a long time. And sometimes when no one's looking and it's just the two of them Yoochun hugs him like he never wants to let go.
It's not just about the kiss or Yoochun's failure to acknowledge what's transpired between them, it's about the inescapable feelings surging volcanically through Changmin's mind, forcing him to recognize his true feelings, to dissect every look they've shared, overanalyze every flirtatious conversation. It's about realizing he's falling for him, no matter how much he tries to ignore it or push it down. Changmin knows there has to be something there, even if it's one-sided. It's the one-sided component that scares him the most.
Yoochun's voicemail picks up again and Changmin drops to the couch defeated, he hangs up and stares at his hands, the phone clutched tightly in his fingers. Before he can stop himself he throws it with every ounce of ferocious strength against the wall and watches as it crashes to the floor, breaking into pieces.
He promises himself he won't call Yoochun again.
Junsu is looking at a phone curiously, trying to avoid the scowl on Changmin's face. "What about this one?" he lifts it up and shows Changmin who's reading the information for a Haptic 8MP.
"No, I need something bigger," he says and picks up the phone, examining it closely. "I think I'm going with this," he decides and calls over a salesman.
Junsu nods approvingly and shoves his hands in his pockets, "So," he speaks slowly. "What happened to your old phone?" he asks curiously and Changmin wonders how long he's been itching to bring that up.
"It met an untimely death last night," he says casually and refuses to elaborate.
Junsu nods accordingly and rocks back and fourth on his feet. "So, is that why you didn't answer any of my calls?" he asks just as casually, watching him closely.
The salesman approaches before Changmin can answer him, but Junsu's determined look lets Changmin know he's not finished with the conversation.
An hour later as they leave the store, a bag in Changmin's hand, Junsu stares at him. "Jaejoong was really upset after you two met yesterday," Junsu rushes head first into a discussion Changmin had hoped, no prayed, to avoid.
"Do you want to have lunch?" Changmin asks pulling out his keys as they reach the car.
Junsu narrows his eyes, "are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he challenges.
"No," Changmin answers and opens the door. "But I will buy you lunch," he offers and slides into the drivers seat.
Changmin met Hiroshi after a fashion show in Japan. He was painstakingly handsome, a few inches taller than Changmin and he was insufferably nice. Everyone was intimidated by him; he walked like he owned the world and looked people dead in the eye when he spoke to them. They became friends after Changmin photographed him for a high class men's magazine, he looked elegant in the navy suit and pinstriped ascot and when he asked him to have coffee with him, his smile was warm and unnaturally friendly.
Hiroshi was one of the very few Changmin personally asked to pose for him. He refused to take his money and complied willingly. It was those photos that won him his first spot in Japan's Fashion Week.
Changmin fell in love with him even though he knew and had met on various occasions, his beautiful wife, who matched him perfectly. It was the only time in his life he fell in love with a man who didn't fall in love with him.
Changmin buys Jaejoong chocolates and flowers as an apology. He laughs when he stands outside his office like an impatient child and outstretches them, his head bowed, in playful shame.
"I'm sorry for making you worry," he says and looks up when Jaejoong takes them embarrassed but as they walk towards the parking lot Jaejoong's smile transforms into something more serious.
"I worry about you because I care," Jaejoong stops Changmin and grabs his hand, squeezing it tightly. "I know you're dark and twisty and expressing your feelings is difficult, but when you want to talk, even if you think it's not important, I'm here. Junsu's here and so are Yunho and Yoochun," he tells him and Changmin grimaces at the mention of Yoochun's name.
They still haven't talked. He's kept his promise and hasn't called him. He tries not to get upset each day that passes and gets no phone call or visit. Changmin keeps himself busy to avoid the gnawing feeling that eats away at his mind, that twists his heart and slowly deteriorates his expectation.
"You're going tonight aren’t you?" Jaejoong asks unlocking his car, throwing in his briefcase, setting the flowers and chocolates carefully in the back seat. When Changmin doesn't answer Jaejoong looks at him curiously and a little surprised, "Tonight. Yoochun's playing at the club. His new song?" his voice is seared in puzzlement as Changmin continues to look blank. "Changmin, he hasn't stopped talking about it for the last week."
Changmin feels his skin start to flush a brilliant red. "This is the first time I've heard," he replies flatly, holding back the blinding hurt from his eyes. He feels worse when Jaejoong finally understands and tries to reach for him.
"Changmin."
"Well," his voice buckles, "I should go. I'm glad you've forgiven me," he attempts a feeble smile which goes horribly wrong and starts to walk away, his hands clenched so tight at his sides his nails dig painfully into his skin.
"Changmin, wait!" He hears Jaejoong cry out but he's walking too fast and his heart is breaking a little more.
On his way home his friend from high school calls and before Changmin can refuse, they make plans to have dinner.
Changmin takes his time getting dressed, picking out an expensive pair of white pants and buttoned down black shirt. He puts his belt on in front of the mirror and looks at himself carefully. It's hard to ignore the compliments, hard to miss the double takes he gets from strangers as he walks by. The way Yoochun told him he belonged in front of the camera instead of behind it, one afternoon he watched him take pictures in the park.
He breathes steadily as he runs his hands down his chest, straightening the shirt, smoothing the front of his pants and reaches for the silver necklace on the dresser. He slides it over his head and straightens the Turquoise stone so it's flush against the peeking skin of his chest. He looks critically at his reflection, noting how his lips pull down in a frown, the new lines of worry that crease around his eyes. And his eyes, his eyes are dark and despondent.
A few moments pass before he moves away from the mirror, disgusted.
He's tried everything within him to not think about Yoochun and it's been even harder swallowing the pain.
It seems Yoochun hadn't fallen off the face of the earth, a hope Changmin irrationally held on to. It seemed to make him feel better hoping that perhaps Yoochun wasn't talking to anybody and just not him. But he was talking to people; at least he was still talking to Jaejoong.
So maybe It is just him.
Changmin sighs quietly and leaves his bedroom, grabbing his jacket and keys.
He's struck with a rush of anxiety the moment they step into the restaurant with the empty stage and a polished piano and when Jaejoong suddenly appears beside him, face split so wide into a spectacular smile, he feels a little sick.
"Changmin, I'm so glad you came," he wraps his arms around Changmin's shoulders and apologizes immediately when he realizes he's ignored Changmin's guest.
Changmin slides his coat off and folds it over his arm, wishing his legs weren't shaking. "Jaejoong, this is Ki-Woon," he introduces and Jaejoong looks at him with a small smile.
"Pleasure to meet you," he says and he grabs Changmin's arm tight, "come, we have a table right by the stage," he leads them where Junsu, Lyn and Yunho look up with slightly surprised smiles and Changmin knows they hadn't expected him to show up.
He introduces Ki-Woon to everyone and they manage to make it before anyone has ordered.
Changmin is pleased as conversation is light and everyone tries to include his friend, Junsu carries on an excited conversation about sports as their food arrives. Through dinner they laugh when Ki-Woon recollects an embarrassing trip to the beach and reminds Changmin of the seedy hotel with naked girls.
The anxiety he initially felt starts to dissipate through dinner but seems to reinforce itself the moment his friend excuses himself.
"I like your date," Jaejoong grins picking at his rice. Yunho elbows him loudly. "What?"
"He's not my date," Changmin corrects immediately, taking a drink from his wine, "we're friends."
"He's married," Junsu points out observantly.
"Regardless," Jaejoong smiles, "he's nice," he says and eats, ignoring the rest of them.
The night looks to be a success until the lights dim and Changmin feels his stomach plunge towards his feet. The spotlight appears and his pulse becomes frantic and when Yoochun walks onto the stage, he looks amazing.
Changmin tries not to stare but he commits his soft smile to memory and remembers to breathe normally, in and out. He watches him sit gracefully at the piano and Changmin wants him to look over, wants desperately to see the look in his eyes the moment he sees him sitting, uninvited, with the rest of his friends. He gets it a few seconds later with an elegant lift of his head, and their eyes meet from across the room.
It's paralyzing, stealing the breath from his lungs.
Yoochun's eyes burn into his, hypnotizing and Changmin can't find it in himself to look away. For a few moments he's completely unaware of anything around him, sound tunneling solely around the soft escape of his breaths and it's just him in the room staring at Yoochun who's glowing in the fuzzy clouds of his vision.
"Changmin, stop looking at him," whispers a soft voice and it finally breaks the spell and the music begins almost immediately.
"That was awkward," Yunho says softly and Changmin ignores him turning his attention to Yoochun whose head is bowed as the harmonious notes start to dance in the air, powerful, enchanting emotion radiating from the stage.
Changmin decides to lower his head to the table; he doesn't want to look at Yoochun and closes his eyes, listening, captivated. For the rest of the song Changmin allows himself to drown in the heartbreaking melodies and powerful runs of inspiring talent. He thinks if he opens his eyes it may ruin the beauty of the performance with unrequited emotions he's incapable of controlling.
When the song ends met with appreciative applause Changmin lifts his head to see four pairs of eyes staring at him. He ignores them and looks at the empty stage, trying hard not to frown.
"I think that song was about you," Yunho speaks directly to Changmin and Changmin is the only one who ignores him. He tries not to think on it, knows it will only make him crazy.
"It was rather tragic," Lyn frowns and holds Junsu's hand tightly above the table, "but stunning," she sighs.
Changmin thinks everyone else is feeling the same way and it weighs at his chest unforgiving. Ki-Woon looks at Changmin and quirks a small smile, glancing at everyone else at the table, "I think I'm missing something," he states and Changmin shakes his head.
"Really, you're not," he reassures and looks up, heart stopping. Yoochun is walking towards them and he looks anything but happy.
Before Jaejoong has a chance to speak Yoochun, flushed from the heat of lights, stops in front of Ki-Woon, looking down at him in mild interest. "Who are you?" he asks and Changmin thinks it's not particularly unpleasant but definitely suspicious. Changmin feels a flicker of something resembling anger start to burn behind his eyes, slowly extinguishing the previous emotions.
"Don't be rude," Jaejoong hisses and when Yunho's about to hit him again to stay out of it, he glares warningly to stop him.
Ki-Woon stands up, taller than Yoochun and much more strapping, "Ki-Woon," he answers and offers his hand in salutations. Yoochun's eyes shift and Changmin flushes when they land on him, "I'm Changmin's friend," he smiles patiently glancing at Changmin who's staring directly at Yoochun, frowning. "I've heard so much about you," he adds, hand remaining available for Yoochun to shake.
Yoochun continues to ignore it, "Is that so?" Changmin narrows his eyes forebodingly, his stomach twisting, "I've never heard about you," he says finally and turns away, taking a seat beside Jaejoong.
Changmin decides if it weren't for the others at the table and everyone in the restaurant he would punch him directly in the face for being so rude to his friend. And as he watches Yoochun smile and speak to the others without concern he allows the burn of anger to flourish along his shoulders, clenching at his napkin when Yoochun blatantly ignores the both of them. He's made his friend, who has been enjoying himself the entire evening feel uncomfortable and it is not only childish but wholly insulting. He is a completely innocent party, thrown violently into this unhealthy situation, unknowingly. There is no excuse for his behavior.
The moment Yoochun uncouthly interrupts Ki-Woon's story for the third time Changmin jumps to his feet, practically knocking back his chair and glares heatedly at Yoochun, completely ignoring the stunned expressions of the others at the table.
"I need to speak with you," he says with controlled fury, "Now," and walks away.
Changmin throws the door to the men's bathroom open with a slam and waits for Yoochun, he paces trying to control himself, trying to minimize the undulating rage that bites at his neck and pulses in his blood.
He has no right. No right to treat anyone like this, especially him. He's breathing heavily, clutching the counter when the door opens and Yoochun walks in. Changmin's blinded by his anger and tries his hardest not to hit him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" His voice reverberates loudly against the walls and the heat from his eyes could burn black holes in Yoochun's face if allowed, when he smiles Changmin burns.
"You look amazing," he says softly and approaches him slowly.
Changmin's ears sting at his voice. "Do not come near me," he warns darkly and Yoochun stops in mid step. "It's been weeks," he breathes and the pain starts to infiltrate the solid anger running through his veins and he hates it. "You can't ignore me and then start to act like an asshole," he points accusingly. "You have no right."
Yoochun stands silent, looking at him, gazing and it unnerves Changmin how effective Yoochun's sole presence confuses him to the point of insanity. "Is he your boyfriend?" he asks abruptly with a spark of resentment, his eyes clouding over in darkness.
"Fuck you," Changmin breathes and shakes his head astounded. "You're unbelievable," he takes a step back from Yoochun amazed.
Yoochun licks his lips and moves forward slowly. "I've missed you, Changmin," he says slowly and the darkness consumes his gaze entirely, leaving Changmin breathless in seconds.
Changmin grips the counter again and tries desperately not to fall into the swallowing expression. "You kissed me," he tells him, hating the way his voice is weaker than he wants it to be, the vulnerable expression that contorts his emotion makes him ill, "and disappeared."
Yoochun moves closer, eyes intent, rooting him to his place until he feels the counter pressing uncomfortably against his legs. "I think about your lips every night," he whispers and takes another step.
"Stop it," Changmin finally gathers himself, because he can't take it, the confusion, the throbbing contradiction of this entire situation, "do not say things like that," he pushes Yoochun away and walks towards the wall, placing as much distance between them, much more for himself. "I called and called, I left you messages. You can't say things like that to me," he closes his eyes and breathes slowly, when he opens them he stares, betrayed. "You didn't even invite me tonight," and he's hurt, so hurt.
Finally Yoochun's shoulder deflates and he rubs tiredly at his cheek. "I wanted too, but things, things came up," he admits and scratches at his hair, Changmin scoffs staggered and shakes his head, walking towards the door, he turns around slowly and frowns.
"It was really beautiful," he tells him, closing his heart, letting the fire die, "I've got to go. Ki-Woon deserves to have a good night and there's no doubt in my mind you'll make that impossible," he bites and opens the door.
Before he can leave Yoochun's hand clamps around his wrist and stops him. "Is he your boyfriend?" he asks and Changmin can hear a deep strain that would normally buckle his knees, but he can't find it in himself to care anymore.
"If you weren't such an asshole, you'd know the answer to that," he twists his wrist free, "And you have absolutely no right to be jealous," and walks out.
|CH 3| |CH 5|
This was posted hastily so please forgive me!
Title: Photographic Memories
Pairings: Yoochun/Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slight Angst
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: I can already tell this will be too long for a One-Shot therefore I'm breaking it up into parts. I apologize for any confusion that may arise while reading. It should all make sense in the end.
Summary: Changmin's a Photographer who most want to save.
They don't talk about the kiss. In fact they don't talk at all. It's been almost a week and Yoochun hasn't called, he doesn't answer when Changmin calls and after the third voicemail Changmin tells him to grow up and hangs up.
He hides in his darkroom the following nights, printing pictures, trying everything humanly possible to forget about it. He thinks about the fashion show in Shanghai he's agreed to go to next month and the trip to Paris he plans to take in the fall. But as he pours more developer solution into the tray he can't escape the memories of Yoochun standing in the same exact spot. He can't forget the way he waited patiently, strumming with excitement for his creation to appear, like magic. Changmin squeezes his eyes tight and tries to concentrate but when he ruins his fifth photograph he slams the tray down in complete frustration and stands back, arms crossed as he breathes roughly through his nose.
He can't focus with Yoochun corrupting his thoughts. He can’t do his job when all he can think about is the kiss, the kiss that weakened his knees, the kiss that left stars in his eyes so blinding he could hardly drive home without running into something.
The kiss that's ruined everything and has reminded Changmin why meeting fun, interesting, complex people will always unravel him, will always unlock the deepest most vulnerable parts of his soul, will always hurt him, like everything else in his life.
"Damn it," he whispers as he shakes his head, pressing his fingertips to his eyes. "Goddamnit, Yoochun."
He can't stay there any more and as Changmin leaves he turns around briefly, looking at his equipment, the photos hanging on the wire, drying, the memory of Yoochun using the sponge to wipe his photograph dry and he wishes he never brought Yoochun down here. It was a mistake and it will never be the same.
He sighs, physically pained, and turns the light off.
Jaejoong looks at him with concern as he drinks his coffee, he licks his lips before he says what Changmin knows he's been hanging on to from the moment he met him at the café. "There's something wrong," he states and Changmin looks at him through his sunglasses, glad he can’t see just how bad it may possibly be.
He frowns and picks at the corner of a napkin, his drink ignored and cold in front of him. "I'm fine," he says and tries to smile but Jaejoong narrows his eyes and glares at him seeing past his rather pathetic attempt. Changmin sighs and starts chewing on his bottom lip, a habit he hasn't done in a very long time, and the start of it bothers him to a great extent. "How are you and Yunho doing?" he decides to change the subject.
Jaejoong finishes his coffee and sets the cup aside, he looks patient as he smiles, "We're doing very well," he says and suddenly brightens up quite brilliantly, "he wants to get rings," he tells him and Changmin's heart twists at his happiness.
"That's wonderful," Changmin smiles and suddenly, with alarming clarity and heart wrenching diligence feels a very strong and suffocating urge to run, "Look," he stands up and reaches in his pocket, pulling out some money, more than enough to cover the drinks, "I've got to go," he says and looks around for his bag, when he remembers he left it at home. His heart pounds against his chest and he can't breathe, Jaejoong gets to his feet surprised, his face twisted gracefully in confusion. Changmin needs to leave before the walls close in around and kill him. "I've. I've got to go," he apologizes and practically runs from the café.
Outside the sun shines bright and his lungs expand as he takes a deep breath that makes him dizzy.
"Changmin," Jaejoong appears in the doorway and he looks at him worried.
"I'm sorry but-" before he can finish he feels Jaejoong's arms wrap around him so tight he's forgotten what it feels like to know this kind of love.
Jaejoong holds him and Changmin lets him, the sun brilliant on his face and Jaejoong's comfort around his body in deep protection. "I'm here," he whispers and Changmin closes his eyes thankfully. When he sees himself and Yoochun in the doorway of his apartment, pressed against the frame, burned against his eyelids he lets out a strained cry.
"I've got to go," Changmin begs softly and pulls Jaejoong's arms from his neck. "I'll call you," he promises and walks away, he doesn't turn back but knows Jaejoong watches him until he can't see him anymore.
The next morning Changmin calls Yoochun against his better judgment. He's ignored Jaejoong's, doesn't call Junsu back when he leaves him voicemails and knows how utterly worried they both must be when Yunho begs him to call him back, just to let someone know he's ok.
But he's not ok and it's not just because Yoochun kissed him. It's so much more, it's the way Yoochun looks at him, sometimes so hungry Changmin wants to be devoured, so affectionately Changmin's heart jumps into his throat and he can't breathe. How he talks to him, the way they joke and flirt and have more fun than Changmin's had in such a long time. And sometimes when no one's looking and it's just the two of them Yoochun hugs him like he never wants to let go.
It's not just about the kiss or Yoochun's failure to acknowledge what's transpired between them, it's about the inescapable feelings surging volcanically through Changmin's mind, forcing him to recognize his true feelings, to dissect every look they've shared, overanalyze every flirtatious conversation. It's about realizing he's falling for him, no matter how much he tries to ignore it or push it down. Changmin knows there has to be something there, even if it's one-sided. It's the one-sided component that scares him the most.
Yoochun's voicemail picks up again and Changmin drops to the couch defeated, he hangs up and stares at his hands, the phone clutched tightly in his fingers. Before he can stop himself he throws it with every ounce of ferocious strength against the wall and watches as it crashes to the floor, breaking into pieces.
He promises himself he won't call Yoochun again.
Junsu is looking at a phone curiously, trying to avoid the scowl on Changmin's face. "What about this one?" he lifts it up and shows Changmin who's reading the information for a Haptic 8MP.
"No, I need something bigger," he says and picks up the phone, examining it closely. "I think I'm going with this," he decides and calls over a salesman.
Junsu nods approvingly and shoves his hands in his pockets, "So," he speaks slowly. "What happened to your old phone?" he asks curiously and Changmin wonders how long he's been itching to bring that up.
"It met an untimely death last night," he says casually and refuses to elaborate.
Junsu nods accordingly and rocks back and fourth on his feet. "So, is that why you didn't answer any of my calls?" he asks just as casually, watching him closely.
The salesman approaches before Changmin can answer him, but Junsu's determined look lets Changmin know he's not finished with the conversation.
An hour later as they leave the store, a bag in Changmin's hand, Junsu stares at him. "Jaejoong was really upset after you two met yesterday," Junsu rushes head first into a discussion Changmin had hoped, no prayed, to avoid.
"Do you want to have lunch?" Changmin asks pulling out his keys as they reach the car.
Junsu narrows his eyes, "are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he challenges.
"No," Changmin answers and opens the door. "But I will buy you lunch," he offers and slides into the drivers seat.
Changmin met Hiroshi after a fashion show in Japan. He was painstakingly handsome, a few inches taller than Changmin and he was insufferably nice. Everyone was intimidated by him; he walked like he owned the world and looked people dead in the eye when he spoke to them. They became friends after Changmin photographed him for a high class men's magazine, he looked elegant in the navy suit and pinstriped ascot and when he asked him to have coffee with him, his smile was warm and unnaturally friendly.
Hiroshi was one of the very few Changmin personally asked to pose for him. He refused to take his money and complied willingly. It was those photos that won him his first spot in Japan's Fashion Week.
Changmin fell in love with him even though he knew and had met on various occasions, his beautiful wife, who matched him perfectly. It was the only time in his life he fell in love with a man who didn't fall in love with him.
Changmin buys Jaejoong chocolates and flowers as an apology. He laughs when he stands outside his office like an impatient child and outstretches them, his head bowed, in playful shame.
"I'm sorry for making you worry," he says and looks up when Jaejoong takes them embarrassed but as they walk towards the parking lot Jaejoong's smile transforms into something more serious.
"I worry about you because I care," Jaejoong stops Changmin and grabs his hand, squeezing it tightly. "I know you're dark and twisty and expressing your feelings is difficult, but when you want to talk, even if you think it's not important, I'm here. Junsu's here and so are Yunho and Yoochun," he tells him and Changmin grimaces at the mention of Yoochun's name.
They still haven't talked. He's kept his promise and hasn't called him. He tries not to get upset each day that passes and gets no phone call or visit. Changmin keeps himself busy to avoid the gnawing feeling that eats away at his mind, that twists his heart and slowly deteriorates his expectation.
"You're going tonight aren’t you?" Jaejoong asks unlocking his car, throwing in his briefcase, setting the flowers and chocolates carefully in the back seat. When Changmin doesn't answer Jaejoong looks at him curiously and a little surprised, "Tonight. Yoochun's playing at the club. His new song?" his voice is seared in puzzlement as Changmin continues to look blank. "Changmin, he hasn't stopped talking about it for the last week."
Changmin feels his skin start to flush a brilliant red. "This is the first time I've heard," he replies flatly, holding back the blinding hurt from his eyes. He feels worse when Jaejoong finally understands and tries to reach for him.
"Changmin."
"Well," his voice buckles, "I should go. I'm glad you've forgiven me," he attempts a feeble smile which goes horribly wrong and starts to walk away, his hands clenched so tight at his sides his nails dig painfully into his skin.
"Changmin, wait!" He hears Jaejoong cry out but he's walking too fast and his heart is breaking a little more.
On his way home his friend from high school calls and before Changmin can refuse, they make plans to have dinner.
Changmin takes his time getting dressed, picking out an expensive pair of white pants and buttoned down black shirt. He puts his belt on in front of the mirror and looks at himself carefully. It's hard to ignore the compliments, hard to miss the double takes he gets from strangers as he walks by. The way Yoochun told him he belonged in front of the camera instead of behind it, one afternoon he watched him take pictures in the park.
He breathes steadily as he runs his hands down his chest, straightening the shirt, smoothing the front of his pants and reaches for the silver necklace on the dresser. He slides it over his head and straightens the Turquoise stone so it's flush against the peeking skin of his chest. He looks critically at his reflection, noting how his lips pull down in a frown, the new lines of worry that crease around his eyes. And his eyes, his eyes are dark and despondent.
A few moments pass before he moves away from the mirror, disgusted.
He's tried everything within him to not think about Yoochun and it's been even harder swallowing the pain.
It seems Yoochun hadn't fallen off the face of the earth, a hope Changmin irrationally held on to. It seemed to make him feel better hoping that perhaps Yoochun wasn't talking to anybody and just not him. But he was talking to people; at least he was still talking to Jaejoong.
So maybe It is just him.
Changmin sighs quietly and leaves his bedroom, grabbing his jacket and keys.
He's struck with a rush of anxiety the moment they step into the restaurant with the empty stage and a polished piano and when Jaejoong suddenly appears beside him, face split so wide into a spectacular smile, he feels a little sick.
"Changmin, I'm so glad you came," he wraps his arms around Changmin's shoulders and apologizes immediately when he realizes he's ignored Changmin's guest.
Changmin slides his coat off and folds it over his arm, wishing his legs weren't shaking. "Jaejoong, this is Ki-Woon," he introduces and Jaejoong looks at him with a small smile.
"Pleasure to meet you," he says and he grabs Changmin's arm tight, "come, we have a table right by the stage," he leads them where Junsu, Lyn and Yunho look up with slightly surprised smiles and Changmin knows they hadn't expected him to show up.
He introduces Ki-Woon to everyone and they manage to make it before anyone has ordered.
Changmin is pleased as conversation is light and everyone tries to include his friend, Junsu carries on an excited conversation about sports as their food arrives. Through dinner they laugh when Ki-Woon recollects an embarrassing trip to the beach and reminds Changmin of the seedy hotel with naked girls.
The anxiety he initially felt starts to dissipate through dinner but seems to reinforce itself the moment his friend excuses himself.
"I like your date," Jaejoong grins picking at his rice. Yunho elbows him loudly. "What?"
"He's not my date," Changmin corrects immediately, taking a drink from his wine, "we're friends."
"He's married," Junsu points out observantly.
"Regardless," Jaejoong smiles, "he's nice," he says and eats, ignoring the rest of them.
The night looks to be a success until the lights dim and Changmin feels his stomach plunge towards his feet. The spotlight appears and his pulse becomes frantic and when Yoochun walks onto the stage, he looks amazing.
Changmin tries not to stare but he commits his soft smile to memory and remembers to breathe normally, in and out. He watches him sit gracefully at the piano and Changmin wants him to look over, wants desperately to see the look in his eyes the moment he sees him sitting, uninvited, with the rest of his friends. He gets it a few seconds later with an elegant lift of his head, and their eyes meet from across the room.
It's paralyzing, stealing the breath from his lungs.
Yoochun's eyes burn into his, hypnotizing and Changmin can't find it in himself to look away. For a few moments he's completely unaware of anything around him, sound tunneling solely around the soft escape of his breaths and it's just him in the room staring at Yoochun who's glowing in the fuzzy clouds of his vision.
"Changmin, stop looking at him," whispers a soft voice and it finally breaks the spell and the music begins almost immediately.
"That was awkward," Yunho says softly and Changmin ignores him turning his attention to Yoochun whose head is bowed as the harmonious notes start to dance in the air, powerful, enchanting emotion radiating from the stage.
Changmin decides to lower his head to the table; he doesn't want to look at Yoochun and closes his eyes, listening, captivated. For the rest of the song Changmin allows himself to drown in the heartbreaking melodies and powerful runs of inspiring talent. He thinks if he opens his eyes it may ruin the beauty of the performance with unrequited emotions he's incapable of controlling.
When the song ends met with appreciative applause Changmin lifts his head to see four pairs of eyes staring at him. He ignores them and looks at the empty stage, trying hard not to frown.
"I think that song was about you," Yunho speaks directly to Changmin and Changmin is the only one who ignores him. He tries not to think on it, knows it will only make him crazy.
"It was rather tragic," Lyn frowns and holds Junsu's hand tightly above the table, "but stunning," she sighs.
Changmin thinks everyone else is feeling the same way and it weighs at his chest unforgiving. Ki-Woon looks at Changmin and quirks a small smile, glancing at everyone else at the table, "I think I'm missing something," he states and Changmin shakes his head.
"Really, you're not," he reassures and looks up, heart stopping. Yoochun is walking towards them and he looks anything but happy.
Before Jaejoong has a chance to speak Yoochun, flushed from the heat of lights, stops in front of Ki-Woon, looking down at him in mild interest. "Who are you?" he asks and Changmin thinks it's not particularly unpleasant but definitely suspicious. Changmin feels a flicker of something resembling anger start to burn behind his eyes, slowly extinguishing the previous emotions.
"Don't be rude," Jaejoong hisses and when Yunho's about to hit him again to stay out of it, he glares warningly to stop him.
Ki-Woon stands up, taller than Yoochun and much more strapping, "Ki-Woon," he answers and offers his hand in salutations. Yoochun's eyes shift and Changmin flushes when they land on him, "I'm Changmin's friend," he smiles patiently glancing at Changmin who's staring directly at Yoochun, frowning. "I've heard so much about you," he adds, hand remaining available for Yoochun to shake.
Yoochun continues to ignore it, "Is that so?" Changmin narrows his eyes forebodingly, his stomach twisting, "I've never heard about you," he says finally and turns away, taking a seat beside Jaejoong.
Changmin decides if it weren't for the others at the table and everyone in the restaurant he would punch him directly in the face for being so rude to his friend. And as he watches Yoochun smile and speak to the others without concern he allows the burn of anger to flourish along his shoulders, clenching at his napkin when Yoochun blatantly ignores the both of them. He's made his friend, who has been enjoying himself the entire evening feel uncomfortable and it is not only childish but wholly insulting. He is a completely innocent party, thrown violently into this unhealthy situation, unknowingly. There is no excuse for his behavior.
The moment Yoochun uncouthly interrupts Ki-Woon's story for the third time Changmin jumps to his feet, practically knocking back his chair and glares heatedly at Yoochun, completely ignoring the stunned expressions of the others at the table.
"I need to speak with you," he says with controlled fury, "Now," and walks away.
Changmin throws the door to the men's bathroom open with a slam and waits for Yoochun, he paces trying to control himself, trying to minimize the undulating rage that bites at his neck and pulses in his blood.
He has no right. No right to treat anyone like this, especially him. He's breathing heavily, clutching the counter when the door opens and Yoochun walks in. Changmin's blinded by his anger and tries his hardest not to hit him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" His voice reverberates loudly against the walls and the heat from his eyes could burn black holes in Yoochun's face if allowed, when he smiles Changmin burns.
"You look amazing," he says softly and approaches him slowly.
Changmin's ears sting at his voice. "Do not come near me," he warns darkly and Yoochun stops in mid step. "It's been weeks," he breathes and the pain starts to infiltrate the solid anger running through his veins and he hates it. "You can't ignore me and then start to act like an asshole," he points accusingly. "You have no right."
Yoochun stands silent, looking at him, gazing and it unnerves Changmin how effective Yoochun's sole presence confuses him to the point of insanity. "Is he your boyfriend?" he asks abruptly with a spark of resentment, his eyes clouding over in darkness.
"Fuck you," Changmin breathes and shakes his head astounded. "You're unbelievable," he takes a step back from Yoochun amazed.
Yoochun licks his lips and moves forward slowly. "I've missed you, Changmin," he says slowly and the darkness consumes his gaze entirely, leaving Changmin breathless in seconds.
Changmin grips the counter again and tries desperately not to fall into the swallowing expression. "You kissed me," he tells him, hating the way his voice is weaker than he wants it to be, the vulnerable expression that contorts his emotion makes him ill, "and disappeared."
Yoochun moves closer, eyes intent, rooting him to his place until he feels the counter pressing uncomfortably against his legs. "I think about your lips every night," he whispers and takes another step.
"Stop it," Changmin finally gathers himself, because he can't take it, the confusion, the throbbing contradiction of this entire situation, "do not say things like that," he pushes Yoochun away and walks towards the wall, placing as much distance between them, much more for himself. "I called and called, I left you messages. You can't say things like that to me," he closes his eyes and breathes slowly, when he opens them he stares, betrayed. "You didn't even invite me tonight," and he's hurt, so hurt.
Finally Yoochun's shoulder deflates and he rubs tiredly at his cheek. "I wanted too, but things, things came up," he admits and scratches at his hair, Changmin scoffs staggered and shakes his head, walking towards the door, he turns around slowly and frowns.
"It was really beautiful," he tells him, closing his heart, letting the fire die, "I've got to go. Ki-Woon deserves to have a good night and there's no doubt in my mind you'll make that impossible," he bites and opens the door.
Before he can leave Yoochun's hand clamps around his wrist and stops him. "Is he your boyfriend?" he asks and Changmin can hear a deep strain that would normally buckle his knees, but he can't find it in himself to care anymore.
"If you weren't such an asshole, you'd know the answer to that," he twists his wrist free, "And you have absolutely no right to be jealous," and walks out.
|CH 3| |CH 5|