(no subject)
Hey.... so its been a long few weeks. Went home for a wedding - had a good time - had a blast seeing all my friends and fam in jersey - I miss them all already, but its good i dont live there anymore. I somehow ended up on non-speaking terms with my best friend, then didnt know how to bite the bullet and fix it - so i was the HUGE asshole and didnt call on her birthday - pride is a horrible thing you know that? So of course i'm still the huge ass that hasnt called - but i didnt intend to not speak to her at all - i was just pissed and spur of the moment said "maybe we dont speak anymore" and that was it - apparently we dont speak anymore. Sooner or later i'm sure i'll cave, because i know she's more stubborn than i am and won't cave. I just hope that when i do she's still there - since she is one of the few people who can finish my thoughts without me having to say them. But then you'd think she has ESP and would just know i didnt mean for this to last so long, but like i said - she can hold out longer so ... she will. Its admirable, but frustrating when you're trying not to be an asshole.
AND so on...
So i'm going out tonight. Supposedly halloweening - but i'm not in the mood to dress up - like i ever am - pshaw. SO jeans and a T here i come - however had i had the right socks and shoes (seriously) i would have dressed up. I had the cute skirt, the cute shirt - but wasnt comfy bc the socks and shoes weren't what i wanted them to be - so i opted out. So sad. Good thing men are not what i'm looking for. But i am adorable! I must say. I'm trying to work on my self confidence before i worry about finding men - but i have to tell you that it sucks when you go out and guys dont pay attention to you -and youre trying to look cute - it doesnt build up the self confidence let me tell you that. I need to be more decisive too - i know this. I mean "what do you want to do?" "i don't know what do you want to do?" not a way to keep a guy - ELLEN NEEDS TO LEARN TO JUST MAKE DECISIONS DAMMIT!! BE FORCEFUL!! Take charge of my life and the rest of it will fall into place - but not having a clue as to what i want to be or do or whatever doesnt help me to be decisive. It just sucks. Seriously - but sitting home - yea thats not gonna help things. Even kristy is out right now (at the mall - but either way she's out).
I'm so close to broke its not even funny. I have like 50 dollars in my bank account - bc i have so many bills - no one's getting christmas presents this year i think - i need to save so i can buy my brother and his soon-to-be-wife a gift and i just bought the dress for the bridesmaid part i'm in in that - i havent tried it on though - i better be hot! And i need to find a date because i dont want to be the lonely sister - i wont pick a guy off the street though. I asked my friend chris - he said if he didnt have to pay the airfare he'd consider it - dammit - i cant afford that right now - but i'd have a good time. I just dont want to have to sit out the slow dances. Does that make sense? both sides of my family will be there - the last time i saw both sides they all knew my ex. They may not have LOVED him - but they all thought i was gonna marry him... and now he's off married to someone else- and my brother is getting married.. I'm happy for bill - i jsut dont want to look like the loser. I mean i feel like it but why should i look like it? I'm internalizing too much here i think. I'm not stress ing about a date - i'll find one or i wont - if i dont it'll be one chair cheaper for my brother and courtney - if i do - i wont feel left out of the couple stuff.... i dont know what to do about it.
I have what a little over 2 months.... thats enough time.
AND so on...
So i'm going out tonight. Supposedly halloweening - but i'm not in the mood to dress up - like i ever am - pshaw. SO jeans and a T here i come - however had i had the right socks and shoes (seriously) i would have dressed up. I had the cute skirt, the cute shirt - but wasnt comfy bc the socks and shoes weren't what i wanted them to be - so i opted out. So sad. Good thing men are not what i'm looking for. But i am adorable! I must say. I'm trying to work on my self confidence before i worry about finding men - but i have to tell you that it sucks when you go out and guys dont pay attention to you -and youre trying to look cute - it doesnt build up the self confidence let me tell you that. I need to be more decisive too - i know this. I mean "what do you want to do?" "i don't know what do you want to do?" not a way to keep a guy - ELLEN NEEDS TO LEARN TO JUST MAKE DECISIONS DAMMIT!! BE FORCEFUL!! Take charge of my life and the rest of it will fall into place - but not having a clue as to what i want to be or do or whatever doesnt help me to be decisive. It just sucks. Seriously - but sitting home - yea thats not gonna help things. Even kristy is out right now (at the mall - but either way she's out).
I'm so close to broke its not even funny. I have like 50 dollars in my bank account - bc i have so many bills - no one's getting christmas presents this year i think - i need to save so i can buy my brother and his soon-to-be-wife a gift and i just bought the dress for the bridesmaid part i'm in in that - i havent tried it on though - i better be hot! And i need to find a date because i dont want to be the lonely sister - i wont pick a guy off the street though. I asked my friend chris - he said if he didnt have to pay the airfare he'd consider it - dammit - i cant afford that right now - but i'd have a good time. I just dont want to have to sit out the slow dances. Does that make sense? both sides of my family will be there - the last time i saw both sides they all knew my ex. They may not have LOVED him - but they all thought i was gonna marry him... and now he's off married to someone else- and my brother is getting married.. I'm happy for bill - i jsut dont want to look like the loser. I mean i feel like it but why should i look like it? I'm internalizing too much here i think. I'm not stress ing about a date - i'll find one or i wont - if i dont it'll be one chair cheaper for my brother and courtney - if i do - i wont feel left out of the couple stuff.... i dont know what to do about it.
I have what a little over 2 months.... thats enough time.